relationship question (though it may be too late)

[Jari Razskazoff]

Say a friend, wouldn't be me, has trouble making up his mind on whether or not he should stay with his girlfriend. Here are the pro's and con's that I could come up with.

pro

1. She is good with his Mom and Dad

2. She helps out with the little things when his money is tight.

3. VERY VERY pretty (she is 24, he is 31)

4. She has a wonderful 7 year old daughter from another man, who is in the picture and a good dad.

5. His friends like her

6. They have a lot of fun together (when they aren't argueing)

7. She really 'tries' in the relationship

8. She is hard working.

Cons

1. She is whiney

2. Their political ideals are different, but she is an uneducated voting american

3. She is closed minded, and even her mom says she just don't listen

4. She is irresponsible with her money

5. I don't think he feels inspired by her

6. She is angry and full of hate. (she hates this, that... goes back to the whiney thing)

7. Over emotional

8. She takes time away from fishing (which not having a serious relationship would take care of)

9. She tells little white lies a lot

10. She is a smoker

11. He is 31, and she is 24

12. They argue a lot.

Should he have stayed with her, caus he's feeling a lot of guilt for making the decision he did, and I want to know what the people on Fishing Minnesota would say.

[mrklean]

The cons just described most woman, personally if he is questioning it then his mind is already made up and its not gonna work

[fishersofmen]

Mrklean is right for the most part. There are only 3 of those that I couldn't deal with and would have to change, the rest are pretty typical. #6 I couldn't be with someone who is angry and full of hate. #9 Tells little white lies alot, got to be complete honesty in a serious relationship. All those lies eventually causes a trust issue. #10 Smoking is discusting even if she is hot. All 3 things above describe my ex-girlfriend who I can't stand.........

[AceintheHole]

I'm in the same spot but it's my wife. Whom I deeply love and have 3 wonderful children with 2 of which are ours and the other is not. Her father is not in her life and has never been and will never be as long as I am alive. Relationships are about trust if there's no trust there no relationship. Right now we take it day by day. You have to understand a women's needs they are much different the ours and vice versa. Being open and honest and talking with your partner are very very important. I know as guys the last thing we want to do is to show emotion and share our feels. We listen and shake our heads. If he truly cares about her and wants to be with her then do everything in he's power to keep her but it's a two way street and efort has to be shown on both ends. AS far as taking away from outdoor activities I here you on that one but no comes before my family not even fishing as much as that suck. I hope things work out one way or the other. Good luck.

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

Yep listen to Ace he's canceled on me twice now lol. Just kidding Ace I know where your at and your right nothing comes between a man and his family. Now as for her political views being different that one can be tricky. I grew up in a very republican family and my soon to be wife was raised in a very blue dog democratic family. Her and I have completely different views on what should and should be done in the world. Now her and I live a happy life so this con shouldn't be any concern. Sporting Activities going down the drain also come with a good woman, and kids. I went from 5-6 days a week fishing or hunting to maybe three days and now that I have a kid I get out hopefully once a week. Thats just what happens after time. It really looks like she is a normal girl that wants what she wants. If he's not willing to meet at the half way point then just gt out now. Now if she doesn't want to do the same then you have a problem. Good luck.

[pinkfloyd4ever]

The cons just described most woman, personally if he is questioning it then his mind is already made up and its not gonna work

LOL Dwight! But I agree with ya.

When in doubt time to get out.

[Jari Razskazoff]

good advice, i'm sure he will appreciate what fmers would have to say. thanks.

On another note, I wish I could date Laura Schara.

[Black_Bay]

I'd cut her loose. First she smokes. Second she is irresponsible with money. Your friend, is it really your friend , should remember that down the road it may be their money she's irresponsible with. Nothing ruins a relationship faster than money problems. How close is she with her ex? I wonder if she'd think about going back to him. To me the pros don't come close to outweighting the cons. If he really wants to give her a chance he should ask her to make a few changes like quiting smoking.

[nofishfisherman]

I think my camping motto woudl fit this situation...

"When in doubt, Do without".

If your friend is having serious doubts about staying with her how likely does it appear that the doubts will go away? The point of dating is to find a life long partner, someone you wil raise a family with, grow old with. Its basically like you are interviewing people to see who your best friend will be for the rest of your life. If there are doubts now when he's only 31 whats it going to fee like when he's 40 or 50, or even 70 when he realizes he spent the majority of his life with a woman that doesn't make him happy.

I don't know about the rest of you but when I was dating my wife to be there were no doubts involved. I didn't sit there weighing the pros and cons of the woman to see if I could deal with her issues for the rest of my life. When its the right woman it just seems to click. The fact that he is weighing the pros and cons tells me that he won't be happy being with this woman for the rest of his life.

[fishersofmen]

Well said nofish.......

[ILLIFIED]

If you are debating whether or not to keep her around it sounds like you've written her off in your mind. If you love someone, you will be able to forgive ALL of their shortcomings but it sounds like you are being nitpicky with someone and trying to find some excuse to get rid of her.

This sounds like a very unproductive situation if you are complaining about the little stuff.

Move on.

[IFallsRon]

She sounds like the kind of woman that would make you happy by not being around.

Does she have a boat?

[setterguy]

There are plenty of women you could live with, very few you couldn't live without.

That was what I pondered when thinking about proposing to my wonderful wife.

[genegodawa]

About the whiney-ness, well, here's something to remember about women:

Women are never happy unless they are unhappy!

Seriously though, nobody reading any of the pros and cons can give a final answer, just thoughts to consider. You gotta live the whole dating/relationship thing until it either feels right or wrong.

My mantra is "honesty and loyalty"....with those as my base, I feel the rest is all just compromise and either you can accept compromise or be selfish.

You know those song lyrics: "the things we do for love"?

If either partner feels the other partner is way too selfish, it will not last as bad feelings lead to resentments which drive a stake in any relationship (not just a man/woman one).

Subject is way too deep and with so many thoughts I cannot continue chatting....gotta go ponder my own relationship. A buddy once told me, "you gotta wonder if being with that other person is gonna make your life better with them than without them".

For each of us, that answer will be diff based on our own needs/priorities. For instance, smoking as a priority in a relationship? I'll have to go light up to think about whether that is awfully shallow or the right way to judge someones character. Not that I'm judging non-smokers! Nyuk, nyuk.

[Gissert]

#4, #5, and #9 are show stoppers. Trust me, I learned the hard way with #9 a couple of times.

[Luvsoutdoors]

Let's look at this from another perspective,

he's 31, obviously perfect and mature, not--- anytime you have to ask friends for this kind of opinion on a personal relationship and make a "list"-shows your not ready-get a dog and see how that works for you.

[Jari Razskazoff]

now that is some good advice... but he's not up for debate, because he would have to live with himself with or without her.

[Fazerfish]

For those of you who have a problem with #6, have your wife / girlfriend read "the Secret". I have never read it because it a girly book, but it changed my wifes additude and changed a bunch of her girlfriends as well. It basically says that all the negitive thoughts you project out attract negitive energy towards you. Thinking positive thoughts attracts positive energy and good things happen.

I'm sure they state it in a way that all women understand, because its soo popular right now.

For all you FM'ers, just picture sitting in a boat fishing, thinking 'man I'm never gonna catch a fish, while your buddy next to you is thinking 'I can't wait to catch my next fish'.

Who usually catchs more fish????

[bucketmouth64]

You could buy them the book by Dr. Phil called relationship rescue. I believe there is a workbook that goes along with it, but you don't have to get it. Lot's of good information even if a relationship isn't in trouble. Everyone can become a better person to make relationship with their spouse better. Both have to be willing to read it if they feel they need to save their relationship. It's cheap self help therapy. The key is that both have to be on board and do the recommended exercises to make it work. If this doesn't work then look into counseling (professional, or your church). If one has already checked out then there's nothing to save.

[Sandmannd]

Let me see how I can break this down for you.

pro

1. She is good with his Mom and Dad - My wife is not good with my Mom. So what, she's my wife. But it is good when they do get along.

2. She helps out with the little things when his money is tight. - This is always a plus. Does she pull her share with bills and such?

3. VERY VERY pretty (she is 24, he is 31) - That's screems "High Maitenance". You should know whatcha got.

4. She has a wonderful 7 year old daughter from another man, who is in the picture and a good dad.

5. His friends like her - Always a plus.

6. They have a lot of fun together (when they aren't argueing)

7. She really 'tries' in the relationship

8. She is hard working. - That can be hard to find at 24.

Now the tough ones.

Cons

1. She is whiney - Show me a 24 year old that isn't?? Was she always like this?

2. Their political ideals are different, but she is an uneducated voting american - Don't talk politics in your house. It might be tough, but if I loved someone, this would be a non issue.

3. She is closed minded, and even her mom says she just don't listen - That can be tough to deal with. It also looks like she had to grow up pretty fast having a kid at 17. She may be a little set her her ways. Unless you are talking close minded on #3, there ain't much you can do about that.

4. She is irresponsible with her money - Again, typical early 20's adult.

5. I don't think he feels inspired by her

6. She is angry and full of hate. (she hates this, that... goes back to the whiney thing) - This would be hard to deal with and you have to ask if it is even worth it.

7. Over emotional - Again, comes with being "high Maintenance"

8. She takes time away from fishing (which not having a serious relationship would take care of) - If you EVER and I mean EVER think of being in a serious relationship or marriage, you better learn to expect this.

9. She tells little white lies a lot - Who doesn't tell white lies. Now if she lies about everything, there's a problem.

10. She is a smoker - So?? Did she just start or has she always. If always, he knew that going in.

11. He is 31, and she is 24 - Yep, big one. I always say you don't start to figure anything out till around 24 or 25 and it isn't till you get in your 30's you really start to understand what you want.

12. They argue a lot. - About what? Money? Politics? Child Care? What? Figure it out and if it can be fixed, if not, then you're doomed.

Now, how long have they been dating? They don't have a child together. It's hard to pull apart, but nows the time to do it if he doesn't think he can work it out. Before you are married or have a child you better figure out if you can be together long term.

[BrianLucky13]

As someone that just went through this, I would say if you break up its always for the better!!! I think we all have had a girlfriend and it works at first then after you really figure out the person things go to @#$&&!!! The thing that would do it for me is #9, if she lies about little things, only imagine what important things she lies about. It all comes down to trust. If you dont trust the girl, you wont ever trust her(doesnt matter how hot she is!!!)

[BobT]

After being married twice maybe I can offer some value.

From the cons.

#2 - this could be a potential thorn. They may be able to agree to disagree with regard to politicians but their political differences will filter into their own lives because they also spell out distinct personality, moral, idealistic, and ethical differnces between them, all of which could cause strife.

#4 - If one partner is irresponsible while the other is not, they will likely never come to terms on how to manage their finances. One way my 2nd wife and I have managed (she's more loose with her money than I) is by not sharing our bank accounts. We sat down and worked out an agreement about who will be responsible for which costs. So far it works but I can tell you it still has its spurs.

#5 - This sounds more like he doesn't feel real close to her. Sounds to me like he's more interested in her exterior package than her interior one. Not a strong source for happiness down the road.

#9 - Definitely a potential source for problems. My first wife told plenty of "little" lies when we first met and it only got worse as time went on. In an intimate relationship is there any such thing as a "little" lie?

#10 & 11 - Only a problem if he has a problem with it.

#12 - likely the result of the rest of the cons and other personality conflicts. We don't know what he's like. Arguments are inevitable but if it's happening too often it will be a problem.

[Mr.Seaguar]

Dont figure looks into the equation. Because in ten yrs they wear off and then waddya got? When I met my wife it was love at first sight. I never dated another girl after meeting her. Yet sometimes I still feel like bashing her in the head. Shes perfect except for last night when she and our seven yr old managed to break the ice maker. The only thing I would change about my wife is her unwavering decision to avoid augmentation. I told her dont do it for yourself do it for me, quit being so selfish, woman. You only have to have about 3 things in common in order for it to work. I dont think it matters what 3. I just remembered the time she plugged the toilet in a motel room. I wasnt upset about the icemaker but that day in the motel room I was beyond angry. But I`m sitting here laughing because its all good when you are in love. You havent lived until you`ve reached your hand into a motel toilet to unplug it. If your friend isnt in it for the long haul, its best to move on. They will both find someone else. Unless they dont find anyone else and spend the next 60 yrs hopelessly alone, miserable and alone....My wife and I had a huge fight over potato chips once. She would put some in bags for her lunch and I would go to the bag for chips and dip and nothing would be left but the 'nickels' in the bottom. In the end we compromised(I say compromise). She kept eating the big chips and I dumped the nickels into the container and stirred them in and ate it like that. She says thats just disgusting. One time I put the lid back on and let her find it when she opened the dip. She didnt open a container of chip dip for 2 yrs, lol. Point is, ya both gotta be all in. Good Luck

[Daze Off]

Here's my only advice:

"God help the man who waits to marry until he finds the perfect woman. God help him still more if he finds her."

Take it for what its worth....LOL

[Sandmannd]

Quote:

#4 - If one partner is irresponsible while the other is not, they will likely never come to terms on how to manage their finances. One way my 2nd wife and I have managed (she's more loose with her money than I) is by not sharing our bank accounts. We sat down and worked out an agreement about who will be responsible for which costs. So far it works but I can tell you it still has its spurs.

Due to past relationships that went bad in both our lives, my wife and I also have separate checking accounts. It's been working well for seven years now. Very few arguments on money. Actually we don't have that many arguments ever. Mainly cause if she's cranky and starts getting PO'd at me, I just laugh and go down to my man cave.