divorce

[Snowking]

so i get home from work last night and the wife says she wants a divorce. i ask her if she wants to work it out and she says no. so what is a guy to do ? know of any divorce lawyers in anoka county? there is a child involed , but shes 15 and i would assume she will beable to chose where she wants to live. thanks chad

[pureinsanity]

Sorry to hear. Hopefully she will be civil towards you in the agreememnt of things being split and 50/50 custody. However at age 12 your child can decide who she/he wants to live with. I wish you best of luck, I know first hand how it feels just from a childs aspect.

[bucketmouth64]

Sorry you are going thru with this. It is very stressful for all involved, especially for children. Been there done that in '98. You will be required to go thru counseling; so before things really get going try to get counseling on your own without the courts involved. If you have a church you regularly attend this would be a good place to start; plus it is less expensive. Otherwise, check with your health insurance. Hope both of you can reconcile and stay together. Best of luck.

[pureinsanity]

Call me stereo typical but whos the other guy??? Not saying all divorces lead to them finding someone new. But in most cases this is the likely senario...

[paceman]

That sucks Snowking.

[Snowking]

it truely does! im walking around in a haze. i think the bottle is calling

[bucketmouth64]

Don't do or say anything foolish; especially if you are drunk. That may come back to bite you when it comes to custody issues. Women have a way to brings instances up that make you look bad. Then again, if you have something(s) on her it can work in your favor. It can get nasty and all gloves come off when it comes to custody, child/spousal support, and division of assets.

[PierBridge]

As a male You are in the absolute worst county in the country as far as divorce and child custody goes. Get a good lawyer that knows how the Anoka system works.

[GatorBait]

Yeah, it's a bad situation, never is a good thing no matter what. And...the bottle only makes you sick the next day, and all the the b.s still comes back. I'm 2 wks away from my finale, it's been tough and about to get even tougher, but just gotta keep the head up and take it day by day. Good Luck

[lawdog]

You need to go see a good divorce lawyer. The bottle will get you nowhere except maybe in trouble. Some of your preconceived notions and some of the things said here or by other self professed experts are just plain wrong (for instance a 12 year old has no right to make the choice where to live, that's simply not true). If you would like a referral let me know and I can shoot you an email. I have a lawschool classmate that practices family law in the metro.

[TruthWalleyes]

SnowKing,

Hopefully in Six months you'll be laughing at this whole situation. Try and keep that in mind. I've lost the custody battle more than once with the same child. (It starts with you getting less time...then less...then less...) Now my daughter lives in Tennessee and i see her 5 times a year. Cost me $10K last year just to lose.

There will be times that you will want to YELL... Try to bite your lip. Since my breakup with the mother, i've lost my temp a few times...never a good situation. I can tell you each of those times was over spending time with my daughter...

These battles can get extremely ugly, keep on the straight and narrow, and give your child 100% of your attention when your with him/her. Even if you get stuck with less time than you are used to, if you give your child 100% of your energy, they will never think less of you.

Also, NEVER USE THE CHILD AS A WEAPON TO HURT THE OTHER PARTY, my ex does this with me, and it does nothing but hurt the child.

Good luck man. I wish the pains of divorce and child custody upon no one!

[DTro]

Some of your preconceived notions and some of the things said here or by other self professed experts are just plain wrong (for instance a 12 year old has no right to make the choice where to live, that's simply not true).

I read 12 mentioned twice now, but the OP says 15 that might make a difference?

[harvey lee]

Yep, a good lawyer.

[zamboni]

My wife told me in march she wanted one. 7 and a half years of my life flushed down the toilet. I filed on her and it was final in june. We owned no property, no money to fight over, so it was over pretty quick. I have the kids 75% of the time, but due to the decree, I actually pay her support. She ran out of state initially, and I don't want her doing it again, so I am not even going to fight our agreement. Spending 75% of my time with my kids is the best thing thats happened to me in a long time, and to be quite honest- as far as me and her being apart, I can't be more happy. If any of you were to hear what she has done, you would all feel the same- good riddance.

[snoozebutton]

it truely does! im walking around in a haze. i think the bottle is calling

There's no problem bad enough that drinking can't make worse.

[BobT]

I think lawdog said it best. I also would question the intelligence of putting a child in a position to make that choice even if he/she could. No point in dragging the children into this situation any more than necessary. They'll have enough to deal with as it is.

Another thing to always remember is that there are never winners in these situations. Everyone is a victim and all you can hope for is to keep the hurt to a minimum as much as possible. Forget about weighing fault. It doesn't matter anymore. Don't try to understand the why. It's probably too late for that anyway. You have to protect yourself but you also MUST keep your children in mind. It will not be easy. In fact, it'll probably be the most difficult time of your life. Seek out good friends that you can talk to. Friends you can trust to talk honestly and frankly with you, not just friends that will fill your ego. You need sound advice and support during these times, not a fan club. And above all, be honest with yourself. You can leave out details and facts when talking with friends or us on this forum and thereby fill your own ego but you know the true facts...and you know all of the gory details. That's where I failed and it nearly cost me my life due to depression. I failed to look honestly at me. You cannot and never will control your wife. You will never decide for her what she thinks, believes, or does. It's time to start thinking about what you need to do that is in your best interest and that of your children. What she does now is no longer a reflection on you and vise versa.

That's the best I can suggest for you. Good luck!

[Ed Carlson]

Never fun...been there, done that.

Get as lawyer, don't assume your smart or well minded enough to handle things yourself.

Be on your best behavior, or it will surely come back on you. You will need to figure out what that consists of yourself.

If you separate, start the state mandated child support payments immediately...don't wait. Document all payments and keep copies of all checks and better yet go through a intermediary like the state or your layer with the payments....DO NOT HAND THE CHECKS TO HER. Play by all the state mandated guidelines and rules from the start, or it will come back on you latter 10 fold and all kinds of bad things start to happen...don't play games there..you will loose.

Don't get caught up in "She Did...He Did...Yada-Yada-Yada"...the state and the judge don't care, not one bit...all that poison will just burn you out in the long term, trust me...it is just not worth it.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, asking for help on the side is no point of shame, if anything it shows maturity and strength.

Good luck, hope you all come out of this emotional turmoil in a better place.

[motley man]

As said my others, sorry to hear that. Get a lawyer right away as she has already been planning ahead. Get all your ducks in a row as it's a long process. Talk to someone who has gone thru it and get info. Leave the bottle alone, has it never helps but to [PoorWordUsage] you off. Talk to 15 year old and see what they think about the situation and what they want. Stay civil with everyone involved. Let the lawyers do all the talking about affairs of money and dividing things up. Make sure that all child support and visitation is set up by court and not X-wife as it saves problems later. Freeze all assets in savings and checking, etc. Mine emptied savings and checking before telling me and had to pay back half. Keep your head up and move forward. Keep in contact with friends and family.

[BobT]

Quote:

Hopefully in Six months you'll be laughing at this whole situation.

I don't know how anyone can ever laugh about a divorce. It's a terrible loss and from my experience it is worse than a death. I can handle a death but I struggled to handle the loss, my sense of failure, and probably most of all the rejection I felt. After going through it myself and knowing now what it did to me, my son, my relationship with my son, and everyone around I cannot understand how it could be a laughing matter and mine was civil by comparison to what most others I've seen are like.

[RonT]

Lots of good recomendations here. Here are a couple of things I found helpful. A wonderful friend who was willing to listen anytime I need someone. I also attended a support group for separated and divorced people at a church in Edina. The support group helped me realize that I was not the only one going through this nasty life changing event. The speaker the first night said something that has stuck with me and is very true. He said the stages of mourning for divorce is much like mourning the death of a friend or loved one, except that when a friend or loved one dies, the are no longer around to interact with. With divorce the ex partner is still around and you have to deal with them, especially if kids are involved. Hang in there life does get better. I wouldn't have thought that 12 years ago when my ex dropped the hammer, but I life is good for me now. Time to go fishing!!

[SkunkedAgain]

My advice: stop getting advice from this forum (including from me). There are lots of good posts and advice here, but a lawyer is your best friend now. Try a couple out, kick the tires like your buying a car. If they person doesn't seem interested in your case, move on to the next lawyer. Ask friends if they know anyone who got divorced who could recommend an attorney. You want someone committed to working hard for the money your about to drop.

...and if money is a concern, be as civil with your wife as possible. Don't do the little things to [PoorWordUsage] her off, because I guarantee that she'll step it up on the legal side and you'll be paying your lawyer to deal with those issues.

Get a lawyer.

Get a lawyer.

[bucketmouth64]

Lots of good recomendations here. Here are a couple of things I found helpful. A wonderful friend who was willing to listen anytime I need someone. I also attended a support group for separated and divorced people at a church in Edina. The support group helped me realize that I was not the only one going through this nasty life changing event. The speaker the first night said something that has stuck with me and is very true. He said the stages of mourning for divorce is much like mourning the death of a friend or loved one, except that when a friend or loved one dies, the are no longer around to interact with. With divorce the ex partner is still around and you have to deal with them, especially if kids are involved. Hang in there life does get better. I wouldn't have thought that 12 years ago when my ex dropped the hammer, but I life is good for me now. Time to go fishing!!

Good advice. I had a neighbor who would lend an ear for me to vent. At times you will feel alone and want to scream. I too went thru a divorce class offered by my church that was very helpful. I went thru it twice. The class showed me that I wasn't alone and what you are going thru, as far as emotions, is common with others going thru divorce.

[zamboni]

If you separate, start the state mandated child support payments immediately...don't wait. Document all payments and keep copies of all checks and better yet go through a intermediary like the state or your layer with the payments....DO NOT HAND THE CHECKS TO HER. Play by all the state mandated guidelines and rules from the start, or it will come back on you latter 10 fold and all kinds of bad things start to happen...don't play games there..you will loose.

It will take a few months for state mandated support to kick in. You CAN pay her now, but use money orders and write in the memo area "CHILD SUPPORT" and keep the carbon copy to turn into your state agency later, you sill get credit for what you pay now. Trust me, I just went through all this in the past 5 months.

[broken_line]

the "bottle" could turn into the worst decision of you life. other than marrying you're wife. opens a whole can of worms, especially ammo for your ex. she could stumble upon you and say that you abused her,and beat her while you were drunk. and probably get away with it even if you didnt even touch her.. ive seen it happen. women can be uber crewl

[TruthWalleyes]

+1 Uber Cruel.

My X used a DWI that i got prior to our child even being born against me up to 6 years later!

I used to get soo mad i'd go for a run, or a work out...after that, i would be settled down.

[Steve Foss]

Sorry to hear it, Snowking. I've been to Divorce City twice.

You're getting excellent advice. I'd definitely let lawdog get you that referral. No matter how much a good divorce attorney costs, you'll be saving money in the long run because of how badly you can get mauled by your wife's divorce attorney if you try to represent yourself.

We did not go the attorney route in either of mine, and it worked out fine, but 9.5 times out of 10, it's gotta be attorneys for you.

I also second the advice of seeing a counselor/psych. They will be able to show you lots of ways to cope with the hurt, loss and anger, and talking to a pro helps you keep your head on straight at a time when that can be very difficult.

It's a blessing that your daughter is 15 instead of 5. Shorter child support commitment for you, greater level of potential understanding from her.

I'll also assure you that, though there may be times you doubt it, you WILL emerge intact (and probably a better man) on the other side of all of this.

Best of luck.