Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Stiff]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[ddsbyday]

A small town reporter had word of a family pet that had saved a family on 3 seperate occations. After a little research at a local pub she found out that the stories were true and where the events took place. She drove out to Elmer Andersons farm hoping to write a story about the amazing animal. When she got to the end of the driveway she was greated by a large black pig hobbling on three wooden legs. Shortly thereafter Elmer walked out. She explained she had heard rumors about a pet that had saved a family on three occations and was writing a story in the local paper about it. Elmer said he would be happy to tell the story. He proceeded to tell how he was plowing the back 40 when he hit a wet spot and the tractor tipped over pinning him the ground with gas dripping down on him in a lightning storm. Out of nowhere the pig came running and dug Elmer out. The pig dragged Elmer about a hundred yards from the tractor just as the lightning hit the tractor blowing it into a million pieces. Elmer also talked about the night of the chimney fire when the family was asleep where the pig woke everyone up so they could get out safely. The last thing Elmer talked about was the time he set the baby down behind the car. The wife, in a rare, uncommon for women situation jumped in the car and started backing up without looking in the rearview mirror. The baby was about to be crushed but the big black pig ran out and pulled the baby to safety loosing his tail in the process. The reporter asked,"is that it"? Elmer said, "what do you mean"? She said "that pig has 3 wooden legs and you just told me he lost his tail". "oh that, says Elmer,Even you big city people should know you can't eat a great pig like that all at once.

[Papa Grump]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

[Scott K]

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking

a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two white US Government Officials sent to interview him.

One Official asked Chief Two Eagles,

"You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events,

in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over

a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it...

No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,

all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled.....

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve

system like that."

[Scott K]

>>It's he11 to get old .

>>

>>An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to obtain a sperm count

>>as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

>>"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

>>

>>The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and

>>gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

>>The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's

>>like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

>>with my left hand, but still nothing.

>>

>>Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with

>>her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth

>>in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

>>

>>We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

>>with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between

>>her knees, but still nothing.

>>

>>The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

>>

>>The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the (Contact Us Please) jar open."

>>

>>

[waxworm]

Two Minnesota duck hunters were coming back home from a long hunting trip. They were almost through North Dakota on I-94 when a game warden saw all their gear and pulled them over. He said, "you fellas got any wild game on ya?" the driver replied "yes sir" and went to the back of the truck and opened the cooler.

The warden asked, "where you fellas been hunting?"

"oh, a little bit of everywhere" replied the driver. the warden picks up a greenhead mallard and sticks his finger up its butt, smells it, and says "this duck was shot here in North Dakota, y'all got a North Dakota hunting liscense?" The driver replied, "yep, got it right here."

Next, the warden pulls out a pheasant. he sticks his finger up its rear end and, again, takes a big whiff. He says, "this pheasant was shot in South Dakota. Y'all got a SOUTH DAKOTA hunting liscense? Again, the driver replies "yep" and hands it over. Next, the warden looks in the cooler and pulls out a nice big grouse. Again, he sticks his finger up its hind end and takes a big sniff. He says, "this sharptail was shot in Montana. You fellas got a MONTANA hunting liscense? Again, the driver obliges.

The warden then stops and asks, "jeez you boys have been hunting everywhere, where is it you said you were from?"

The driver takes a look at the warden, bends over, and says "you're so smart, you tell me!"

[TNFL]

"Nick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Betty. She was a pilot

in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a

survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't

break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy

troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out! of

bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and

then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. " What kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f.. away from Aunt Betty when she's drinking!"

[genegodawa]

Oh man, TNFL, I have busted a gut on that one.

Reminds me of all the Dirty Johnny jokes, but that's for a diff thread!

[efgh]

Bump to top.

[Kyle Sandberg]

A man walks into a bar......

Ouch

[echotrail]

Ole and Sven have been working together for the same company for several years and got layed off on the same day. Together they went downtown to file for unemployment benefits and Ole went into the interview first.

Agent: Tell me what kind of work did you do for the company?

Ole: I sewed da elastic strips into da vaistband uf da

ladies underpants.

Agent: That's classified as unskilled labor so you will

get $300 a week.

Ole goes back to the waiting room and Sven goes in for his interview.

Agent: Tell me Sven what kind of work did you do for the

company?

Sven: Vel, I vas a diessel fitter.

Agent: That's classified as mechanical and it's skilled

labor, so you get $600 a week.

Sven goes back to the waiting room and tells Ole how much he's getting and Ole gets mad and goes back to the agent to complain.

Ole: I don't understand it, Sven gets twice as much as me,

how come?

Agent: Because Sven was a skilled worker and you were not.

Ole: Vat is so skilled about a diessel fitter? I sewed da

elastic band into da ladies underpants and handed dem

to Sven. He stretched dem over his head and says.....

"Ya, diessel fitter".

[The Grebe]

Ole and Clarence farmed across the river from one another and in time became long distance friends. They remained friends for quite some time, until one day something happen and for some odd reason, the friendship ended.

They would holler and swear at one another and Ole would go home and tell Lena, "Dat Clarence is lucky I can't get across da river, or I'd beat the daylights out of him!"

Well, the feud went on for quite sometime and Ole always threatened to go across the river and beat Clarence up.

Finally, the county put a bridge across the river and Lena says to Ole, "Well Ole, now dat da bridge is in, ya can go across and beat up on dat Clarence!"

Ole says yah, and starts off across the bridge....a few moments later, to Lenas surprise, Ole is back. "I thought you were gonna go over and beat up dat Clarence?"

"Yah, I vas goin to, but I got to da bridge and dere vas a sign dat said, 'Clearence 13 feet 6 inches' and I decided I better come home, ....he didn't look dat big from dis side of da river!"

[Kyle Sandberg]

Pretty clean!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic

garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,

and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag...' 'Oh, thank you' says the little old

lady.....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them.

Thanks for the warning!'

Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that

money? Did you steal it?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my

back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time

there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right

into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge

clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the

bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'

Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way,

what's in the other bag?' 'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them

pay...'

[bluebill]

2 BLONDS WALK INTO A BUILDING YOU THINK ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT

[genegodawa]

Yeah, you'd think they thought they were magicians.

You know, just walk around the corner and turn into a bldg.

[gonfishn]

To go along with the week's festivities...

A Vikings fan, a Rams fan and a Packers fan were hunting. Each had a different brand of beer in a small cooler.

The Packers fan was drinking, naturally, Miller. He cracked his brew, fired a shot in the air, shouted 'It's Miller Time!' and drank it down.

The Rams fans was drinking Budweiser. He cracked it open, fired a shot in the air, shouted, 'This Bud's for you!' and drank it down.

The Vikings fan was not drinking a beer from his home state, choosing instead Old Milwaukee. He cracked it open, shot the Packers fan, drank his beer and shouted, 'It doesn't get any better than this!'

[Dhook]

Nice

[icefritz]

I saw something the other day that shocked me. I was walking through a grocery store, kind of minding my own business when I accidently ran into a small person (like a dwarf) pushing a cart (kind of hard to see). I felt so bad because I hit them pretty hard and he fell down and looked a little hurt.

After seeing him on the floor, I apologized as much as a could but he did not want to accept my apology. When he got up, he said 'I am not happy' to which I could only say,'so which one are you?'

[ozzie]

I got a chuckle out of that one!!

[UdeLakeTom]

urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not

allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"

then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down

from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker(who's blonde)asked me what I was doing. I told her

that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would

think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What

are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are

clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker(the

blonde)followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think

you're going?" (You're gonna love this...)

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Bjjams]

If you work in the engineering field you'll like this one.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer"

[iland99]

I love the last one! I sent it out to a bunch of the engineers and designers here at work. (Pro/E designer here)

[TNFL]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the

same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. What the matter darling?

Look love, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!!

[french_lake_kid]

Sry 4 bringing back a dead thread.****The Virgin Joke*****

A couple(not married) are talking 1 night about their upcoming a 1 year aniversery, they were talking about goin 2 her parents house 4 supper, then afterwards, they would make love 4 the 1st time. He had never made love B4 so he was scared & nervous, so on the day of there aniversery, he went 2 the pharmacy 2 get prepared 4 the upcoming night. Well he ends up spending 3 hours there getting protection (4-5 boxes of protection) & gets a much needed hour long speach with the head pharmacist. So he finally leaves & the big night has arrived. Him & his girlfriend make there way 2 her parents house. Sitting infront of a nice dinner, the girlfriend ask's him 2 say grace. He nods, then bows his head...after 10 minutes the girlfriend looks up, cuz she cant beilieve he is still praying. 45minutes pass & the girlfriend finally stops him & says, " WOW, I didnt know you were so religous!" He replys," I'm not, but I didnt know your dad was a pharmasist either!

[Orlip]

WHY MEN SHOULD NOT BE ADVICE COLUMNISTS

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Norma

Dear Norma:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Bill

Scandinavian Wisdom

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Nordic Klub", a Minot, North Dakota newsletter reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in corn fields near Velva, ND, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago North Dakota had already gone wireless."