Divorce / Custody

[walleye vision]

Things at home have been really rough lately, and the wife is driving me bonkers. I think she has a severe case of depression or may even be bipolar. I'm constantly getting yelled at for trivial stuff. She refuses to talk to anyone and seek help, stating she'd rather split up before doing that. She is extremely hard headed and says counselling if for weak people. The bad news is we have a 9 month old child. She is great with the child, but is a terrible example of respect in a relationship (the way she treats me).

I'd be long gone except for our kid. I'm afraid that if we get a divorce, she'll get custody and I'll never see her again (she's from the east coast and WILL move back). If we were to get a divorce, and we would each get partial custody, could she move out of state and take our child with her? If I could get partial custody and have the child stay in the state I'd be elated. The last thing I want is not to see my daughter.

Anyone have any advice or experience with Minnesota divorce and custody laws? While I"m at it, any lawyer recommendations?

I really appreciate any help, I'm going nuts thinking about life without my child.

[CJH]

Talk to a good lawyer ASAP.

Don't say anything to the wife until you get your ducks in a row.

The laws/precedent do tend to favor the ladies so the lawyer can give you a realistic expectation of what is going to happen.

I think there are a few organizations out there that support Father's rights, so you may want to do some websearching and see if any of them have any tips/advice/support.

Good Luck! Not a good situation for anybody to be in.

[thatoneguy]

I went through the same things years ago before I FINALLY got my wife to go to the doctor - she was almost instantly diagnosed as clinically depressed. The good news is, the proper meds were prescribed, and she was off them after about 18 months. She still gets crabby, but it's bearable

If you can't get her to see a doctor (best option) or go to counseling (next best option), there's not much you can do.

The Fathers Resource Center and the Men's Defense Association are two good organizations to contact if you don't think the relationship can be salvaged.

Best wishes.

[Scott K]

There are counselers for yourself as well, on how to deal with a person such as her. Just one more option.

[jeffreyd]

Seek assistance for you too. I am going thru a similar situation now, however we do not have children (son lives with me from another marriage). You need to get some help for yourself and talk to an attorney for the custody issue if something does happen. The other suggestion while i know you need to vent, ask questions etc is not to do it in or via the web. Talk to coworker or best counsler. If your company has employee assistance program use it ASAP. Good luck, never want to hear of such issues.

[Black_Bay]

How long has this been going on? I ask because you say you say you have a 9 month old and that leads me to think it may be postpartum depression. Depression and other mental illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of nor should they be brushed aside. They aren't a weakness, they are a serious medical condition. Talk to a professional and arm yourself with knowledge then have a sit down with your wife. If she doesn't get help then you should to be prepared to take your child and leave. Although you should consult with a lawer before doing that. You don't want to be charged with kidnapping your own child.

[pushbutton]

if you both get custody, she will not be able to go back out east. courts will set a maximum distance.

[lawdog]

Lots of issues to consider and while I do end up doing a fair amount of family law, I'm not going to givw any advice over a forum and neither should any one else who knows what they are doing. You should find a competent attorney to discuss the custody issues and all other facets of a dissolotion ASAP if you end up going that way. I also agree though that you have to put a good effort in to get some help before you throw in the towel!

[Esox_Magnum]

My dad got custody of me from his divorce and finished adopting my sister back in 1972, he tells me he was 1 of the first men in MN to do this. I know times have changed but get a good lawyer anything can happen. If shes unwilling to see her illness you cant force her to seek help, they have to seek it when they realize they have a problem. Hopefully things can be resolved without a court, been through it and its no fun for either side and creates more problems down the road.

[Dave S]

Lawdog is absolutely correct. The best thing you'll get here is sympathy. Don't waste your time taking anybody's advice on the web in a situation like this. Wait, that's just more advice.

You know what I mean. There's a right venue for professional help. But in the end, you obviously thought something of your wife at some point to marry her and have a kid. Too many kids are growing up today in single parent homes. Try to do what you can to make it work.

To be honest, I've been experiencing the same thing. The 'Off-the-wall' verbal attacks can be tough. I've had to fight back with my own verbal assaults on occassion. Then things are better for a few days.

[jeffreyd]

lep doesnt that just scuk? i am going thru it now and i think it is job stress, travel stress from work, and the fact that working for the same and only company for nearly 25 yrs has got her bummed out. she jumped me the other day for cleaning the counters, said i was doing it with an attitude, lol. i told her that i am just wiping them down and tired of the cluter. that just put her over the edge started screaming at me. I went to the garage and hung out watching tv lol. add more fuel to the fire i guess. after an hour all was good. life goes on

[walleye vision]

Thanks for all your help so far.

I'm not trying to get specific advice on here, just support and maybe some previous experiences from people.

To answer a few questions: It is not postpardom, she was like this before the baby, it has just gotten worse and worse till now.

I've been trying to make it work for months, but I am losing the battle. I've talked to her family asking them to urge her to seek help. They know she is like this, but don't say anything to her. I feel like I'm fighting a battle on my own. This morning she screemed at me because I asked her to repeat herself because i didn't hear her. Who does that, I could've just pretended i heard her. Anyway, I'm walking on eggshells and it is killing me. I'm supposed to be 100% happy and chipper all the time with her, and if I'm not she goes balistic. She can be like satan, but if I even so much as frown, I'm being an a$$hole. I'm the only one earing an income, working my tail off and I don't have the right to be stressed out!

I've told her I want to seek conselling myself, but she says if I go, she'll take my daughter and divorce me. It may just be a threat, but I wouldn't put it past her. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

Lawdog, any legal references for the twin cities area. I don't care if I pay a fortune in child support or lose my house etc, I just want to be in my kid's life.

[upnorth]

Here is the thing, you don't need to walk on eggshells. If you are acting reasonable and she gets whacked out, just walk away not necessarily out of the relationship, go in the other room, out to the garage, go fishing, or just talk a walk. It does absolutely no good to try and argue with some who is not being rational. I gotta say there is no need to get snotty, mean or anything, but don't be a doormat.

You really need to take care of yourself even if she won't do what she needs to do to take care of herself.

[lawdog]

walleye shoot me an email...

[email protected]

[pushbutton]

w.vision, dont take this the wrong way but take a deep breath and relax a little. if you really dont think you can work things out, contact one of those fathers rights groups mentioned above, or just start interviewing family law lawyers. also as others have mentioned dont say anything about this to your wife, get things lined up and let the law work for you. if you stay calm and take a quiet legal course of action you will not lose your child.

[broken_line]

my penny of opinion- if she is treating you like [PoorWordUsage] on a daily basis, is it really worth it to hang on to a rope with razor blades on it? if she is never reasonable around the house and she is setting a extremely bad example for your child its best to tell a lawyer the situation and how she is treating you and the kid. keep your cool when she gets like this and you will have the kid in no time! in the end the man upstairs will decide what is best for you, her and your child (:

[Scott K]

Here is the thing, you don't need to walk on eggshells. If you are acting reasonable and she gets whacked out, just walk away not necessarily out of the relationship, go in the other room, out to the garage, go fishing, or just talk a walk. It does absolutely no good to try and argue with some who is not being rational. I gotta say there is no need to get snotty, mean or anything, but don't be a doormat.

You really need to take care of yourself even if she won't do what she needs to do to take care of herself.

Great advise!

[Coon]

Your not alone...I'll say a little prayer for you...Keep strong

[JohnMickish]

Here is some advice I can give you, coming from a guy who's ex wife is from (and now lives) in New York.

First thing you do tomorrow is contact a lawyer. It will set you back a few bucks but it will be worth it. Next, don't assume the wife will get custody. Fight the good fight, it helps if she is not acting rational. I have sole phyical custody of my youngest daughter, it can be done and it's not as hard as most people think.

Make sure whatever deals you and the wife make out are in writing. A hand written note signed by both of you is golden in court. IF she gets custody you will have a say in how far she can move away. You can negotiate things like who will pay for travel expenses IF one moves away.

Don't just roll over and play dead, thinking she will get everything. This is one place where the equal rights laws are actually helping the men for a change, but contact a lawyer first and do it soon, that's if your willing to end it and not try to work things out.

Want to know why divorces cost so much? Because they are worth it.

[bmc]

I've been divorced and kid's were involved.

First and foremost, get a good attorney. Don't let the attorney talk you into what you don't want to do. Make sure the custody issue is spelled out, black and white, no gray areas. Start keeping a notebook of documentation on the daily going on's, in case the worst comes to worst and you decide to get divorced.

IMHO Minnesota law tends to favor women when it comes to custody issues.

Good luck and I hope you are able to get things worked out!!

Brian

[bucketmouth64]

I feel for you. Been there done that. The laws are slowly changing to help guys out with custody. I am hearing more about men gaining custody. If she continues to be irrational that is going to help you. Document her misbehaviors and what she says and if child is in the same room. That can help in court. It is difficult now to have a child taken out of state to live with a custodial parent. Get a good lawyer that has experience. It will cost some bucks, but if you win (no one really wins)that will be money worth spent. The only bad part is you will have to deal with her wrath possibly. She really needs a wake up call and get some help. Hope all goes well for you. If you are involved in a church let your pastor know and get some counseling and prayer.

[walleye vision]

Thanks for all the help and encouragement so far. It feels good to finally talk about this with someone. Bucketmouth and MNFishingguy: any legal references? I'd really appreciate it.

[Determan]

Hang in there Walleye Vision. It seems like the court system is tougher on males. But as b-mouth says things are changing slowly.

One small piece of advice, Document everything dates, times,what happened, etc. it could help you if it comes down to a divorce.

When I was just a kid, my dad once said "A man doesn't know what true happiness is until he gets married...then it's too late" I have been with my wife for over 30 years, and I can't imagine what my life would be like alone, but we all have our days.

Hang in there, things will get better. Remember your child, and what is best for him, or her.

[The Chemist]

I will weigh in on this one as I have been divorced for approx 3yrs now.

1. First try and work it out, somehow get counciling. If even for yourself that will help.(I wished I would have)

2. If you are going the route of divorce start pulling things together. (you should gather photos of you with your child doing even the most general things like changing diapers, feeding and putting to sleep. Keep a record of everything a good journal of all activities will go along way. Don't make it look like you are out to attack her though!)

3. Research, you are best to do alot of it. There are a few sites that have alot of info. Drop me a line and I will fire off the HSOforum. The people on there have been alot of help.

4. Find a lawyer. Not just any lawyer though find a good one. I ended up refered to mine by a retired lawyer. Of course(not to sound sexist) having a nice looking female lawyer does help.

5. After you get a lawyer make sure you know the fees and realize that you are going to get nickle and dimed for every little thing!

6. Know that a divorce doesn't take place overnight. It took me 9months from the first time I filed and that was 3 months after she left.

The result of my divorce (the court reporter was shocked) I got the house, boat, we split the debt and we had joint legal custody but most importantly I have sole physical custody. At the time of the divorce my children were 7, 4 and 1, the youngest a girl.

So no matter which way you go I wish you good luck! And if you get divorced there is always a chance of having custody.( more that likely you will have joint legal)

Have a good weekend

[zepman]

Approximately how much does a divorce cost these days?

[Ed Carlson]

Things at home have been really rough lately, and the wife is driving me bonkers. I think she has a severe case of depression or may even be bipolar. I'm constantly getting yelled at for trivial stuff. She refuses to talk to anyone and seek help, stating she'd rather split up before doing that. She is extremely hard headed and says counseling if for weak people. The bad news is we have a 9 month old child. She is great with the child, but is a terrible example of respect in a relationship (the way she treats me).

I would strongly encourage you, to encourage her very directly even to the point of an intervention with a family member or close mutual friend or two, to see a Dr. and consider the possibility it could be Postpartum Depression or something very medically treatable. It appears to me, neither of you know the cause at this point. Your frustrated, and she is likely scared and internally conflicted.

If she still refuses any attempt to get help, or even to get screened by a Dr. to see if she indeed needs any help, well than you are left no recourse but to explore your options and protect yourself and your daughters well being and future.

Divorce is a nasty heart wrenching deal, if you walk that path be darn sure that is your only option and the best for all concerned.

I wish you luck, whatever way it unfolds.