Anybody know any clean jokes?

[ds]

There was a truck driver waiting at a stop light. A hitch hiker ask the truck driver for a ride to the next town. The truck driver says sure. About a mile down the road the truck driver is waiting at another light and the hitch hiker looks to the side and sees a dog in the ditch licking his sack, he looks over at the driver and says "I wish I could do that" the truck driver leans over to look at the dog and says "I don't know he looks kinda mean, you better pet him 1st.

[Shane683]

Preacher goes to Heaven (from Joel Osteen)

A preacher died and when he got to the pearly gates there was another man in front of him. St. Peter asked the man who he was and he said a taxi cab driver from New York. St. Peter checked his list and gave the man a gold staff and silk robe and said “Welcome to Heaven.” The preacher was next and when St. Peter checked his list he gave him a wooden staff and cotton robe. The preacher was very surprised and asked why the cab driver got a gold staff and silk robe. St. Peter said, “our entry list is based on results, when you preached people slept, when he drove people prayed!”

[lip_ripper]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' She asks.

'No, I can remember it'.

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' She asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

[tcwin]

"The trouble with quotes

on the internet,

is that it is difficult

to determine whether or not

they are genuine".

-Abraham Lincoln

[tcwin]

At a wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

[Mnfisher]

Ole and Lena recently celebrated their 50th anniversary.

A friend of Oles asks him, "Ole, how did you ever stay married to Lena for 50 years!"

Ole said, "Vell, on our 25th anniverdary, I took Lena to Norvay!" "Lena really liked Norvay a lot, ya!' And... on our 50th anniversary, I vent and picked her up!"

[tcwin]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.

[Gordie]

Thought I would share this email I got today,

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass the entrance exam.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors... The rest ended up in Congress.

[bmc]

Here's one from my 4 year old grandson!

"What's the difference between brocoli and boogers?"

"Little kids don't eat brocoli." LOL

Not sure where he picked that one up at....probably pre-school I'd guess.

LOL

Brian

[MuleShack]

Little Johnnie's Weekend Assignment

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good, Sally" said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath, as Johnny always had a 'different' take on things.

Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand,

I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog cr@p!"

Then I would say, "It is dog cr@p. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

I used the President's method of giving you something sh*tty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his little heart.

[tcwin]

Abbott and Costello explain unemployment:

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking.

They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want

to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the heck I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

[tcwin]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words……….

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

[efgh]

A husband and wife were returning home after a party. The wife asked the husband , did anyone ever tell you , you were sexie, good looking and carry on a intellent coversation? The husband ansered no, why? Wife, what ever gave you that idea tonite?

[lip_ripper]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

[Spike76]

Went outside this morning and thought, beware the ice of March.

[Mr.Seaguar]

I dont know if this one has been told and I didnt want to read 87 pages to find out:

Old man goes to visit his son. Sitting around there one day he says, "Son, can I see your newspaper?"

Son says, "Geez Dad, no one reads the paper anymore. Its nothing but a great source for old news. Try my Ipad instead."

Dad says, "sure son, anything for my boy."

Little while later, son comes up and goes "That things pretty awesome, huh?"

Dad replies, "I`ll say, that fly never knew what hit it"

[frogtosser]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[tunrevir]

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They are both chased by Norwegians with clubs.

Tunrevir~

[efgh]

A old farmer was standing in his yard by the house, when a car pulls into the yard. A man got out and said I;m from the drug inforcement ageny and i:m going to search this place for illegal drugs. The old boy said go ahead but don;t go in the field over there. The D.I.A. man pulls out a badge and says, see this, It says I can go anywhere I want to. A little while later the farmer heard load screams coming from the field and went to investigate. The big bull wo was in the field was one jump behind the D.I.A. man who was running as fast as he could. The old farmer shouted to him, show him your badge, show him your badge.

[ozzie]

How do you make a kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!!!

my 4 year old told me that one!!!

[TR21HP]

When a husband couldn't get a hold of his wife for 2 days he feared the worst. He glanced out the window and saw 2 sheriffs deputies walking up to his house. The husband opened the door and asked,"Is she dead?" The officers replied "We have some bad news, good news and great news." The husband asked,"whats the bad news?" The officers replied," Your wife was driving too fast and couldn't make the curve at ocean boulevard and crashed into the ocean." The husband broke into tears but then asked, "Whats the good news?" The officers replied,"We found her body and when we brought her up it had 3 crabs and 2 lobsters attached to it!" The husband, totally blown away asked, Whats the great news? The officers replied,"We're going to bring her up again tomorrow!"

[Jacques1]

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

[tunrevir]

What do you do if your driving down the road and see a bra laying in the middle of the road?

Drive around it carefully because it could be a BOOBY TRAP.

Tunrevir~

[lovebigbluegills]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bi son

[efgh]

A lawyer got on a plane in New Orleans with some frozen snow crabs, he told the blond stewartes, these crabs have to stay frozen till I get to Chicago. If they are thawed when we get there I will sue you and the airlines and get you fired from your job. Arriving in Chicago the Stew. spoke over the P.A. system, Will the passenger who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his arm. No one raised their arm and the blond had fresh snow crabs for supper that nite.