Anybody know any clean jokes?

[roughfish29]

Why is the sky blue?

Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.

i completely wasted your time if you read that whole thing

[JeffB]

I skimmed it looking for a punch line, none found but at least I didn't waste the time to write all that.

[roughfish29]

the magic of copy and paste

[fish-n-fool]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[fish-n-fool]

BEST OUT OF OFFICE AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.

[IFallsRon]

I'm going in for a No. 2 next week.

[UdeLakeTom]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw aLittle gap in the planks, so I looked through to seeWhat was going on......? Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[lip_ripper]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador

retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,

he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when

I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the

airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

[Gordie]

[Shane683]

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with a ....................Misdewiener!

[MuleShack]

[skee0025]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent..

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[MN Shutterbug]

That last one was a hoot.

On the lighter side: Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage...At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

'Vell,' Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!'

The Pastor responded, Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'

Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.'

[frogtosser]

a baby seal walks into a club

[dillrodd]

Did you guys hear that Tiger Woods is changing his name? He now wants to be called Cheetah.

[JollyT]

Why is Tiger Woods like a baby seal? They both get clubbed by Scandinavians.

What is the difference between a golf ball and an SUV? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

[Jim Almquist]

Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both

die, and go to HeII.

The devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of

snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya

know.'

;

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up

the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from

Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling

Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims,

'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying

yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up

dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's

dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he

comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have

been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging

everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,

moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with

Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber

hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,

yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the

heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is

wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya

know, if heII iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super

Bowl.'

[eyebjim]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[TyGuy02]

Do you know why the girl threw butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butter fly

Did you hear about the guy that invented the corderoy pillow?

Really, he made head lines

Did you hear they dug up Behtoven's grave? They even found him working with his music. He was de-composing

[skee0025]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[lovebigbluegills]

Brett Favre has just announced his decision to retire. He plans to settle down with his family in the Twin Cities area and will Co-own a bakery with teammate Adrian Peterson. Their specialty will be turnovers....

[Fish Toys]

A blonde was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.

She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even

though she knew that she was not speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving

even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as

she passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

She tried a fourth time with the same result.

She did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as she

rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat

belt.

You just can't fix stupid or a blonde!

[Fish Toys]

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad around?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town to get some feed. Anything I can help you with?"

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad so she could get some flour. Really, sir, I know where everything is if you're needing to borrow something."

"Well, how about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad so he could help load up feed."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or if you're needin' help fixin' something I can try to help. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment.

"Yes sir, you would have to talk to Pa about that." he said. "'Cause, I know that we get $100 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much we get for Howard."

[lip_ripper]

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'

[Fish Toys]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

---------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers..

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy..

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?

A. Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .

2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .

3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ....

5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or

2. going to baseball or football games, or

3. hiring prostitutes, or

4. buying cheap beer or

5. getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US .

Conclusion:

The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.