Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Surface Tension]

Two ropes walked into a bar, the bartender said "read the sign, no ropes allowed" and kicked them out.

Now the ropes were thirsty and needed a drink so one rope said to the other, " we need a disguise, tie a knot and unravel your end".

They walk back in the bar and the bartender said "you two look like ropes. are you?"

The rope says "nope, I'm afraid not".

[IFallsRon]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess

something that symbolizes Christmas to get

into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Bobby Bass]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to

check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The

Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in

the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in

an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's

in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works

is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or

two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally

complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now

enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was

that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit

me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

[Barony]

My two personal favorites:

What's Irish and sits around a pool?

Patio furniture

What do you call a priest lost in the woods?

A Roman Catholic

[Daze Off]

Here's my entry....

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied...

...but his face rings a bell.

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

( . . . Wait for it . . . )

(. . . It's worth it. . . )

.... He's a dead ringer for his brother.

Daze Off

[Daze Off]

And, in keeping with the season.....

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

AND an old favorite. .

The Christmas story for nonbelievers: "Coincidence on 34th Street"

Daze Off

[BDR]

A little boy and a little girl, both about

eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the

little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.

'How'd you do that?" she asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she ask.

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts.

Suddenly, there's a huge explosion,

the sides of the sandbox fly off,

all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20

feet, landing up against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs

back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the

ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

Curiously, he

lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,

"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

[eyepatrol]

[Double D]

Ole & Sven went ice fishing a little too early one year and of course broke through and drown. Well they did not live the cleanest life so down they went.

Satan decided to be a little easy on them and put them in a room at 120 degrees. He checked on them and found them comfortable. Ole said well we're from North Minnesota and this heat is sure nice for a change.

So Satan cranked her up to 130 degrees. He went back after a while and sure enough Sven says thanks for the heat, we're not used to this nice warmth in the north woods.

Satan was getting madder and up to 150 degrees. Sure enough Ole and Sven thought it was great and asked for a little more heat.

That does it thought Satan, I'll fix these two idiots. He turned the thermostat to 80 degrees below zero. Everything froze like a brick - pipes, toilets you name it. Satan thought I'm going to check on them and watch the suffering.

He opens the door and to his horror Ole and Sven are dancing and jumping around in their underwear, hollering at the top of their lungs. Satan is furious and asks what is going on.

Ole and Sven jump for joy and say He11 has frozen!! The Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!!!!

DD

[eyepatrol]

That's pretty good!

[harvey lee]

The truth.

[eyepatrol]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

________________________________________________

And I like this one since I'm in the engineering business.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[huntingislife]

Quote:

---

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

---

Thats good That is such a thing an engineer would say. I am an ME student graduating next christmas.

[eyepatrol]

Yep, that cracked me up pretty good too. Good luck with the graduating and all!

[Bobby Bass]

As I was driving down a back road in Maine,

I saw a sign in front of a restaurant that read:

Happy Hour Special...Lobster Tail and Beer

I said to myself, "It's my lucky day, those are my three favorite

things!!"

[efgh]

On the firing range at Camp Riley KS. a private fired 8 rounds at his target, missing the target all 8 times. The range officer stopped at the privates post and asked how did you do. The private said, I missed the target all 8 times, any advice you can give me will be appricated. The rangr officer said, keep your bayonet sharp.

[Tyler Holm]

2 men were walking into a bar..... one ducked

[nytelyter]

lets see if i can remember this one correctly. it may have been posted before.

Paul, the new salesman. at the end of his first day on the job, got called into tom's, the sales managers office. the manager was curious about his great sales numbers on his first outing. tom said "paul how did you manage to amass a $50,000 sales day" and paul started to explain. well there was this guy i met on the floor as he came into the store. to start with i brought him to the sporting goods section showed him a few good rod and reel combos. which he put into his shopping cart. then i said welll you are gonna need some tackle for those rods. so we picked out a bunch of real good plugs, jigs, sinkers, and terminal tackle. and plopped them into the cart as well. welll then we found him a nice tackle box. to keep all of his new gear. then he picked out an landing net, and into the cart as well it went. welll after about thirty five minutes i asked him if he owned a boat? he said no. welll off to the boat yard we went and after i showed him about five different boats he settled on the brand new blue boat on which he put a huge 250 horse motor, all the fancy electronics, two trolling motors and a real nice trailer under it. well he says " i dont have a hitch on the gremlin i drove in. so i will need a new tow vehicle to pull my new boat, and all new the stuff i now have to put into it. so off to the car lot we went and i fit him into a nice suv with a towing package, dolby stereo and all the acutriments. and thats how i racked up that nice sales tag for the day. and tom says. welll that is gonna be a day pretty hard for you to top but i do believe you have a great future here at the store. but i still cant belive how you did all that on your first sale of the day. paul says well it wasnt very hard . the guy told me, when he came into the store. that his wife had sent him to the store for a box of tampons. and i said well your weekend is screwed up you might as well go fishing. ... paul

[CALVINIST]

There was a hindu, a jew, and a lawyer travelling together. They had to stop for the night, and the only place available was an old farmhouse. Worse, there were only two beds, which meant someone would have to sleep in the barn. So the Hindu said he would sleep in the barn. So they all go to bed. The guys in the farmhouse hears a knock on the door, it's the Hindu, saying "I cannot sleep in the barn because there are cows in there and they are sacred". So the Jew said he would give the barn a try. Later, they hear a knock on the door, it's the Jew, saying, "I can't sleep in the barn, there are pigs in there and they are unclean animals". So the lawyer decides to sleep in the barn, so he goes out there. An hour later the guys in the farmhouse hear a knock on the door, it's the cow and the pig...

[Stiff]

GOD AND EVE

Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. "I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well,.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret........

......you know, woman to woman."

[smg04]

haha, stiff,. . . . the other side of that joke

adam was talking to god and said he was board and god said ok i'll give u what is called a woman, she will cook for you, clean up after you,give u the best "pleasure" when ever u want, she will be interesting to talk to, always agree with what u have to say, and never get in the way of things and it will only cost u two arms and a leg......

adam says well what can i get for a rib?......the rest is history!!!

[Bart]

My wife's favorite joke:

What did God say when he created Adam?

"I can do better."

[Stiff]

Two buddies, Tony and Marc, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Marc throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jenny will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jenny that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Marc rolls into home and his Jenny starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jenny looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhaaat in my pants, too."

Does that one still qualify for "clean" ??

~T

[Bobby Bass]

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the

big one is done

[BigWadeS]

Republicans vs. Democrats

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, very much infavor of the redistribution of wealth.She was deeply ashamed that her father was a ratherstaunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.Based on the lectures that she had participated in,and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.One day she was challenging her father on hisopposition to higher taxes on the rich and theaddition of more government welfare programs. Theself-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking her how she was doing in school.Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that shehad a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough tomaintain, insisting that she was taking a verydifficult course load and was constantly studying,which left her no time to go out and party like otherpeople she knew. She didn't even have time for aboyfriend, and didn't really have many college friendsbecause she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is yourfriend Aubrey doing?" She replied, "Aubrey is barely getting by. All shetakes are easy classes, she never studies, and shebarely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus;college for her is a blast. She's always invited toall the parties, and lots of times she doesn't evenshow up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you goto the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1 .0 offyour 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA andcertainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father'ssuggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't befair!" I have worked really hard for my grades! I'veinvested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Aubrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She playedwhile I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,"Welcome to

theRepublican Party"