Ladies I need your advice BAD!!!!!!!!! Serious Subject

[Christopher Quast]

Hey Ladies I want to get my wife involved in the outdoors and everything I try never works what am I doing wrong??? My wife's grandparents owned a resort years ago and she told me how much she loved to fish and I took her ice fishing in a old crappy portable and caught a few fish and now I can't even get her out in my nice house with me and I hate to admit this but my love and passion for the outdoors is tearing our marriage of 1 1/2 yrs apart. The other thing is she says she supports me when it comes to hunting and fishing and I have cut back alot since we had our twins with my hunting and fishing like she asked me to and she tells me I can go and then later is mad at me for it. What suggestions might you have for me to help make things better between us and hopefully someday get her involved with the great outdoors??? Serious replys only no jokers please

When I see a couple that hunt and fish together it just tears me apart inside and I dont want to have that feeling anymore.

[Iambjm]

How old are your twins? Do you do things with her that she likes? Have you had a heart to heart with her about how much you would love to have her with you? She may be too stressed with the twins to even entertain the thought of going with you. My brothers second wife was really a gem, but when he took her fishing he complain and criticized her for everything she did. I used to watch him scream at her that she did this wrong or that wrong. He used to do the same thing to me. Fishing is supposed to be fun not some big competition, make it that way. If she has to go in to relieve herself don't get angry just do it. I just naturally love to fish so I can't give you too many hints of what to do.

[reelemin]

I echo Barbs comments.

And will add, don't push too much, if she really wants to go and be involved she will. But also let her know how much you would like her along, but it needs to be her choice.

[DeeDee]

Speaking from Experience.......I'm with Barb on the possibility of being over stressed with the twins. I was just like her after having my boys. They werent twins but they are only 10+ months apart so I was a BIG HUGE prego for 20 months! I thought it was going to kill me and me kill him! I hate to admit it but for quite sometime my husband, no matter how hard he tried, he couldnt do anything right by me. I had a combo of post pardum depression and hormones all riled up. My husband finally quit trying and if we were home together he stayed in another room unless I called for him. I think he was terrified of me. Whats funny is my friends all say I'm the nicest person they ever met. Please dont give up on her just be very very patient with her. My husband stuck it out, and it wasnt easy for him but were good now and going on 7 years. We try to do things together scheduals permitting.

[UdeLakeTom]

Just to throw in an old married (35 yrs) mans view, the ladies have hit the nail on the head. My wife will fish with her dad and sister, but we have only gone fishing together 3 or 4 times. If you are near a lake and she lets you go, try to make it before the twins get up, or while they are napping, this gives you some time to fish, but are there for her when she needs it most. Learned the hard way, also, her family was on her during the early child rearing age telling her wasn't bringing up her children right. We ended up in family counceling. where the councelor told her to keep doing what she had been doing. because the children were doing just fine. Just something to think about in case this might be what is happening.

Remember, in the last 1 & 1/2 years lots of things have changed for both of you. Keep asking for help, like you did, and then try to sort out some of the things that don't seem right to you.

Good luck.

[SlamNFish]

I used to pay 150.00 bucks an hour for this kind of advice

J/K. Seriously im impressed that people on here would try to help on such a delicate subject as this.

All i can say is do whatever it takes to work it out if you love each other, I mean counseling! Don't let a good thing slip away!

Divorce Sucks!!!

Good Luck

[Iambjm]

I have thought about this a lot, after 37 years of marriage and counseling twice I have learned that sitting down and being honest with each other is the best method. Instead of saying "you never want to go fishing with me" instead ask "is there a reason you don't want to go with me", and if she gives you a reason don't be hurt just try and figure out what you can do to make it better. There are times I don't want to fish with my husband, I would rather go by myself. He likes to cast and go through everything in his tackle box. I sometimes just like to bobber fish and I love to back troll for walleyes he doesn't. I have no idea what your marriage or home life is like, but I can tell you that the first 7 years of marriage is tough! You are learning to live with someone you love but may have bad habits you hate. And she is going through the same thing, add children, financial stresses, job stresses,and other pressures it is a wonder that any marriages succeed. When you said she let's you go do your thing and gets mad about it, let me tell ya a little secret. My husband often pesters me about he wants this or he wants that and I give in just so he will quit. Then I am resentful not so much at him but at myself for giving in.

Most of all realize that some people just plain aren't interested in some activities. If she loved the opera would you go with her every time? Some men and women like to hunt, you couldn't get me out to hunt for a million bucks. I don't have the heart to kill an animal or a bird, but I can fillet a fish while it is flopping around without a twinge.....go figure.

Marriage is work, there are no easy answers. Good luck and don't give up.

[youngie22]

bribes of jewelry and warm vacations? J/K I guess I'd be willing to try anything if it could get us outside more.

[DeeDee]

Have you offered to take the babies and her have a day off?

[Lisa Almquist]

My advice consistently sucks goldtip. I will say one thing though-that a marriage is always worth fighting for. It's meant to be forever especially when little ones are involved. Good luck buddy.

[Dave S]

GOLDTIP,

I feel your pain. I go through the same issues to a "T" that you described.

Despite my best efforts, I have tried to get my wife to take a weekend away, just the two of us and she declines every time. Our kids are 13 and 18, but that doesn't seem to matter.

I asked to spend a weekend out of town, to go fishing, ATV'ing, or even out for dinner or somethingthat she prefers. I've asked if there was a reason she constantly refuses and that is where the conversation ends.

Things have become quite heated at times and accusations have flown.

I grew so frustrated with this, that when she was "riding my behind" about finishing a home project and made a comment about hiring someone else to do it for me, I replied:

"If you don't shut the &*)) up, the next time a guy needs a little companionship around here, I'll hire someone else to come and do your job".

My apologies if the above situation is offensive, but it's a good example how things can and will get out of hand and I do regret having said that.

This is a true story. I never heard another word about the home project again. But things haven't improved much.

Like you, I don't know where to turn. I have tried almost anything. When there's something that I want to do, I set my plans and that's it with or without her.

[Sandmannd]

Well, I'm not a lady, probably not a gentleman either, but I do have rack-o-man going. (Hopefully got a smile cracked).

Seriously, everyone has these problems when you have a die hard love for something and the person you share you life with does not. Before we adopted our baby I would get the wife out to shore fish with me. The key to it is to get them somwhere where they will catch fish. Like when we take our kids out, or anyone you wanna get hooked for that matter, take them were they will get on fish. Once we got our baby it slowed a little. She won't go on a boat with me at all, has a fear of water. I try to make it a point to find someone to watch the baby a few times so I can take her and get her on fish.

Another great thing to do is to work a system out with your wife. We made a deal that she get's Saturdays to do what she wants and I watch our daughter. I get Friday nights and Sunday mornings to fish and sometimes a full day.

I would suggest doing things for her often. I will bring flowers to her at work, buy her candy (when I go to Cabeleas in Owatanna there is a russel stovers there and she never complains when I bring it home.), take her on a date night. Find someone to watch the twins and plan a night out for just you two. Kids are great but you need time together and try to do it at least once a month. It's awesome, we have a few friends that will take her overnight once a month and that's even better. For our anniversary I took her to a bed and breakfast. Now it woulda been great to go somewhere to fish or hunt, but beleive me, it got me mad props to do that.

You need time together and you need time appart. I can't express the latter enought. I not talking days. I'm talking a couple of hours a week to do your own things. Also you need time together without the twins. Maybe she would be more open to fishing if you did something she wanted on another weekend.

Sit down and talk and see why she doesn't want to go. Maybe it was the ratty house you had her in the first time. See if you can borrow a nicer one. Make it real comfortable. I find summer fishing is easier to get women into because it's just more comfortable.

Hope that helps.

[Hammer Handle]

Marriage is full of compromises.

If she does not like the outdoors and you love the outdoors...she is going to have to compromise and so are you. She is going to have to tolerate you going out some...but you are going to have to cut back from what you did before you were married.

That is what marriage is about....

That is why I married someone that likes the outdoors. I have dated girls that hated to fish and camp...and it never lasted long. If you are passionate about something and not willing to give some of it up, you have to look for that in a partner.

[Borch]

Give her some time and talk to her about it. My wife didn't fish much after we got married and to be honest I didn't as much as usual either when we had young kids unless I took them along. Kids are great and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But the trade off is that you'll need to be there for them and your wife "a lot" which will mean less fishing and hunting time. It's not easy raising kids and a lot harder with twins I'm sure. Your wife may very well want you to go and enjoy fishing. But stuff happens when your gone and she's there dealing with it and your off having a good time. This is when some resentment may creep in. As my kids got older my wife was more open to going fishing with me. The big hurdle was getting her into ice fishing as she had some negative experiences growing up on the ice. I waited for a nice day, a hot bite and made arrangements for someone to watch the kids. She had a blast and I had to tell her it was time to go. Now we go fishing together all the time. In fact she begged me to take her up on Upper Red lake this past weekend for just a day or so.

I guess what I'm telling you is that just because she seems a bit disinterested now doesn't mean that much. As new parents there are a lot of new responsibilities and pressures. Choose you outings carefully and with consideration for her and the kids. Don't stop asking her to join you and telling her how much you'd like to share your outdoors passion with her and the kids. She may surprise you and accept your invitation. Heck, my wife said she's gonna try putting on her own leeches this coming summer this past weekend up in the portable fishhouse on URL. You could of knocked me over with a feather.

[danwilliams]

I cringed when I saw this thread..asking internet advice on this serious a matter. Shouldn't have..there's been some excellent thoughts shared...

After 35 years of marriage..I freely admit I seldom correctly understand women all that well..... Face it Women ARE more complex as a rule.

One thing you said stuck out for me.."I hate to admit this but my love and passion for the outdoors is tearing our marriage of 1 1/2 yrs apart."

Think you're already re evaluating your priorities on your own..I'll say this much..at almost 61...I have lots of time to fish and hunt...Often wish I could spend more time with children and grand daughter though..

Circles and cycles....let them roll natural perhaps?..a time for all things..

[jonny_redhorse]

One thing I've learned through the years of marriage is just plain use patience(and kindness) with your mate...remember,you chose each other and everything that comes with each other....I fish but my wife doesn't(plus I'm into nature photography on a weekly basis)....I after many years of marriage totally and completely respect my wife's choice of not to join me in my canoe(I only canoe(35 years) worth )...Use a little reverse psychology here...a chance for an individual to get away and enjoy the beautiful spring days and what the seasons have to offer....I have a early june camping /fishing trip planned and done this for years with a few guys for 5 days or so....annual thing....but I'm not upset my wife isn't going ...we do things together at other times ...shopping at the mall,scenic drives to the north shore...picking out furniture for the house.....choosing new decor for the house..even cooking a nice meal on weekends...all done "together"...no my wife doesn't "have" to be with me on my "outdorsie" kind of things.....It's called maturity and total respect for each other's desires...my wifes a wonderful,person,she doesn't fish,hunt or go out on my photography outings but we have built a mutual understanding of each others personal desires through the years...place no demands on each other(that's one thing you don't want to do in a good marriage if you want it to remain good one)...I'm genuinely missed when I come back from these outings...One can tell that in the way she greets me after coming home in the tone of her voice....And I miss her as well by just saying a few nice words...."I'm glad I'm home"..."I missed you"....little things like this is what keeps people together...my wife's interested in walking ...lots of walking...she says it's a greatway to "think" about things as the blocks go by as we live in town....I'm not with her on these daily walks....she enjoys it tremendously and she does it alone...we each have our "own thing" ...it works for us...but we respect each other totally..it's a mature way of spending one's remaining years together"happily"...I'm 60 years old and it's taken a good portion of those years to finally "get it right"....the woman I married just might be spoon feeding me apple sauce at an old age home in 20 years,...lol!...take good care of her...but,you know, she would do it!...there's times I just look at her quitely in the living room as were watching tv...knowing some day she just might not be there.... don't take each other for granted...if your mate doesn't fish....it's certatinly not the end of the world and one of the smaller things in life....younger people haven't reached that "level" of maturity yet........no...I don't care if she fishes with me,we still enjoy each others company...in other ways....

[soldoncass]

Goldtip,

I have been married with my wonderful wife for 35 years... and I am NOT an expert. All I can tell you is what we do, and what seems to work for us, and you will have to experiment to see what works for you BOTH.

My wife doesn't like fishing much. She enjoys catching,fast action for short periods of time. I can fish a long time with no action, just trying different things and locations. I go camping to save $, but she HATES dirt, bugs, no comfort items, etc. So what to do? I feel like I'm abandoning her if I just go on my own without her. When I want/need some "hardcore" fishing time, I set up something (with her blessing) and go a couple days. She gets some flowers to keep her company while I'm gone. It really helps if I call her from where I go and talk to her, so she knows how I am doing, and I am thinking about her.She wants to tell you how it is going there too (listen, but don't give advice unless she ASKS). That is HARD...I want to FIX her problems...ha!

I just asked her if she would go with me this spring if I got a cabin...a quick YES, so I'll bite the $ bullet, so she will go along. I'll have to take her on a couple quicky, action trips in the boat....it'll cut into my "hardcore"time, but I'm excited that she will go along. SHE IS WORTH IT! In my mind I have to think of it as a "vacation", instead of a "fishing" trip.

Good luck to you both. Experimenting and working things out between you both can be fun and it will make memories.

[Christopher Quast]

I just wanted to say a huge THANKS to everyone for all the great advice I really didn't think I would get this much great feedback on such a touchy and depressing subject I will definately take some of these ideas and run with them. Today I contacted my pastor and explained to him what was going on and how I felt like a failure after only being married for 1 1/2 years and things were this bad between us this early in our marriage and he gave me some great advice and gave me a # for a marriage conselor so I will be giving him a call shortly and once again THANKS for all your advice and keep your ideas coming I don't think any of this advice didnt apply to my marriage.

Chris

[Sandmannd]

Chris, good luck to you and stick in there. Being married that short of time and having young twins is very stressful on a marriage. I'm happy to here you are taking steps to help your marriage out. Sitting down and talking to someone will help you greatly. Again, make sure you each have your own time and time together and you will have a long and happy life together. Remember, the is plenty of time for the outdoors as your children grow. Sacrifice a little now and reap the bennefits down the road.

Good luck.

[Lisa Almquist]

Good luck Chris!

[Steve Foss]

Chris, hang in there!

IMO, by talking to your pastor and working with a marriage counselor you are doing the right things to strengthen your marriage.

I was struck by how you said that your mate says she supports your love of the outdoors, and that though you've cut back and she says it's OK for you to go, she still seems mad that you do go.

That's a pretty strong signal that she feels abandoned, but because she cares about you and knows that you don't want to give up your outdoors pursuits, she's not coming right out and saying that.

Her priorities right now probably center almost exclusively around the twins. And I don't mean this in a bad way, but I've found that, while in the first year or two after childbirth some of us men can't seem to do anything right in the eyes of our spouses (dedicated mothers), they STILL want us right there and going through it with them.

I sure don't know you or your mate, and any advice can be right or wrong, but I'd strongly consider dropping your outdoor activities for now as much as you can and spending your spare time with your mate and the twins. And I would do it without any fanfare, without pointing it out to her, without saying: "See what I'm giving up for you?" Saying things like that will make her feel guilty and build more resentment.

After she sees that you've quietly made this sacrifice, which in a way serves as proof of how much you care about your family, I expect her current resentment will bleed away.

We go into marriage with a whole lot of ideas (many of them inaccurate) about how it will be. If you are committed to it for the long run, you will eventually find the pieces in both your lives that fit together perfectly, and you will enjoy doing those things together (whether it's fixing a meal together, taking a walk, going to a movie, whatever.) But because you are different people with different interests, there also will be portions of each of your lives that are unique to you, that you do not share, that you pursue as individuals. That's just as important as the shared time, because those things keep you both happy and healthy as people, which allows you to be better together.

But right now, with small children, the things you both love to do for yourselves understandably have taken a back seat. Probably she is the one taking the majority of the care of the kids. Probably she has given up much more when it comes to the things she likes to do than you have, or at least it feels that way to her.

There WILL be more time for each of you to do the things you like on your own as the children get a bit older, and I'd bet you'll be going into the outdoors as a family, too.

Meanwhile, I'd just suggest that you put her and the children at the center of your world. She'll notice it when you do. Things will get better.

Anyway, a fair amount of rambling, but I've been married three times and divorced twice. I have made some of the mistakes that implies, and have learned some lessons.

I hope what I've learned from my goofs helps you out, even a little bit.

[Neighbor_guy]

Trying not to sound jaded. One thing I can say is listen to the addvice given here. Go to counceling early. And keep an open mind when you are there. Try to learn something.

Sometimes people change. I married young, and when I did my wife would hunt and fish with me constantly. Scouting, setting stands, 3d shoots every week, fishing, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Fast forward a few years and my little girl is born. At that moment my world changed forever. I still had a passion for hunting and fishing but my wife diddn't. Her passions changed. We became two people living separate lives taking turns with our child while the other went and did their thing. Eventually I was a dad and an outdoorsman, not so much a husband. Came home one day and she was gone.

I learned some very interesting facts in counceling, things I wish I would have known earlyer. I will keep those to myself. Just know that I am pullin' for you. I dont wish what I am going threw on anyone. Try finding out what she is into now. Something she wants to try. Get involved in her world!! She was involved in yours for a while, now get involved in hers. Do whatever it takes. Find someone you can talk to. And keep talking.

[ChuckN]

Goldtip,

My wife and I have been married over 7 years and as you can see by my avatar, we are relatively new parents. Having a child changed A LOT. Fishing and hunting time went way down. However, in my predicament it is not really bothering me as I prepared things like this will happen. We both have to care for our child. It's not easy raising young children, and I can't imagine twins.

My wife has lost ambition to fish or hunt, but I suspect we will get back in the boat and outdoors when the weather warms. I get some passes now and then and I definitely appreciate the time in the outdoors that much more. Even if she gives the "go ahead" that doesn't mean she wants me to go. Do something for her in return. Give her a day, weekend or whatever to get away and have some fun with friends. Compromise is key.

[anyfishwilldo]

I have been married 11 years and we have been through our ups and downs. Before we were married I was gone every W/E from Oct to Feb almost hunting or fishing. When we got married that time was cut by more than half. Did I like it, NO, but when you enter into marraige the selfishness needs to go away. You now have another persons likes and interests to be concerned with. After we started having kids my outdoors time was cut in half again. That was a decision I made and discussed it with my wife because I did't want to lose the time with my kids when they were growing up. Now, my kids are to the age where they like to do the outdoors things. My wife is having some trouble adjusting to the increasing amount of hunting and fishing trips, but she knew it was coming as we discussed it 10 years ago. She goes fishing from time to time with me, but has never fired a gun which is fine with me. I guess what I am trying to say is you are going to need to give up some of the things you enjoy for your wife and kids especially while they are young. Make a deal with her that you can pick up your hobbies more and more as the kids age. When they are old enough to enjoy the things with you then you can take them and your wife can either come or enjoy some alone time without kids. You are not the only one who needs to bend though. Give your marraige some time and she may come around to going out with you but one thing I can guarentee is if you pester her about going she will never go.