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Good Bar Jokes?

Daze Off

By Daze Off
in Entertainment

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muc33 Mentor

muc33

Posted
Posted

McGurk, nice I like that...

A big bear walks into the bar and the bartender asks "what can I get you" ...

The bear says " I'll take a Bud ........ Wieser"

The bartender says "Hey, why the big paws?"

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Scott K Grand Master

Scott K

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Posted

A woman lawyer walks into the bar with a monkey on her shoulder, the bartender says, hey I dont serve pigs! The woman said this is a monkey, the bartender says I know, I was talking to the monkey!

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VMS Experienced

VMS

Posted
Posted

A blind man walks into a bar. He works his way up to the bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Hey..want to hear a blond joke?" The bartender happened to be a blond haired lady and responded, "Sir, to your right there is a blond lady who is a professional wrestler, To your left is a big muscular blond who drives a Hog, at the table behind you is a blond Policewoman sitting with her best friend who is black-belt in karate, and I was formerly a professional boxer. So...you sure you really want to tell a blond joke now?" The blind man responds, "I don't think so...I don't to explain it five times."

Steve

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VMS Experienced

VMS

Posted
Posted

This one will take some explaining and a bar napkin. Best you get the bar napkin, and follow along as you read the joke.

as you start the joke, unfold the napkin, thenroll the bar napkin up tightly diagonally. It needs to be a pretty tight roll for this to work. Then, bend it in half. you can do this as you start the joke.

Ole and lena have been having a hard time in bed. Oly just cannot get in. So he goes to the doctor and asks, "Doctor, Lena and I are having trouble. I just cannot get in." The doctor responds, " well, here is what I try when things start to get troublesome. Have her point her feet straight up toward the ceiling. (At the time you are stating what the doctor is saying take the ends of the napkin, and fold them diagonally so that the tips point toward the sky)

So...oly goes home and tells lena, "Lena Lena!! The doctor says point your feet straight up to the ceiling." so they try and try and nothing works. (set the napkin down with the tips pointing up)

Oly then goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor, pointing her feet to the ceiling didn't work. Do you have any other advice for me to try?" The doctor responds, " Well..when that does not work, We also have her bend her knees just a bit." (grab the napkin, and bend each "leg" downward...the napkin should now look like legs being bent at the knee with the feet pointing upward)

Oly goes home and says, "Lena, Lena!! the doctor says not only should you point your feet to the ceiling, but bend your knees some too!!" (set the napkin down again with the bends in it) but again, try as they might, it is not working. So...back to the doctor goes Oly again.

"Doctor, bending her knees did not help either...do you have anything else that might work?" The doctor responds, "Well...when pointing the toes and bending the knees don't work, we try a drink or two and that seems to work really well." So...Oly goes home to try this one last thing.

"Lena Lena!! The doctor says to try a drink or two as well." So...they try and (while you take some water in a straw and dribble it on the first bend to make the legs...you know where I am speaking of) and what do you know...it worked!!

Long story, but the visual affect of the napkin makes this one great at the bar.

Steve

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Ebiz Proficient

Ebiz

Posted
Posted

Me neither, a few of my outdoor related favorites:

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite, Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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JigginIsLife Experienced

JigginIsLife

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Posted

guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.

The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.

He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"

"Huey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."

The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"

"Duey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."

The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"

The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

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Grant Pearson Mentor

Grant Pearson

Posted
Posted

1. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because he's afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of him.

2. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.......twice.

3. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

4. When Monsters go to bed, they check the closet for Chuck Norris.

5. More later....

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The Yeti Proficient

The Yeti

Posted
Posted

Chuck Norris does'nt have a chin under his beard.. it's actually and extra fist.

- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything

- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high

- I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel

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