Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Orlip]

HOW TO SPOT A HUNTER WITH A DWI:

[onthejob2]

A little Norris???

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

[Scott K]

Subject: Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce

toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the

pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was

coming

to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two

others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then

when

he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy

bag

fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all

the

cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally

dropped

the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all

over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice

had

eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me

to

stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

tree.

[PEATMOSS]

That was precious!!!

[Grant Pearson]

that was great!

[UdeLakeTom]

A couple is awaken at 2 am in the morning by the door bell ringing...It is a highly inerbreated guy...he asks "can you give me a push". The man of the house says, "hey buddy, your drunk, it's late...buzz off." He gets back to bed and wifey asks what it was all about. The husband tells her, she reminds him of a couple of weeks back when some strangers help them out...he sighs and goes back to the front door, opens it and looks around..he yells out..."where are you, I'll give you that push!"...the drunk says "over here on the swing".

[CALVINIST]

Did you hear of the statistics expert who drowned recently? He tried to cross a river with an average depth of three feet.

[Fish Toys]

[/image]

[Sandmannd]

For the those who fish or know someone who fishes.

The Ultimate Salesman . . .

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back

in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[Sandmannd]

An elephant asked a camel,

'Why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' says the camel,

'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.'

[Fish Toys]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a "Sportsman's Double?". 'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. "Oh." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.' And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.I went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

*

*

*

*

*

'Mom, you still awake'?

[Fish Toys]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from

an evening of Church services when an intruder startled her.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of

its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

( Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the

name of Jesus Christ for the remission of your sins,

and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. )

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained

what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he

asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?

All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had

an Axe and Two 38's!"

[Harmonica Bear]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

[Kyle Sandberg]

Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dalute vhen he

accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky

doctor looked at Hans and said, "Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Hans said, "I hafen't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked. "Lordy! It's 2007! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Hans responded: "How vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

[UdeLakeTom]

A couple are driving down the freeway when an ambulance passes them. After a couple of miles go by, the back door to the ambulance suddenly opens and a styrofoam box falls out. The couple pull over to the side of the freeway and investigate what is in the box. They find out it is a couple of toes packed in ice.

The man looks at his mate and says "what should we do?'

She rolls her eyes, gives him the well of course look and says

"You need to call a toe truck"!

[efgh]

3 married gals were sitting in a coffee shop having coffee. They were discussing their husbands, what they were doing and where they were at this moment, two of them agreeded that they didn;t know where they were but they were on some lake some where fishing. The third one said I know exactly where my husband is and what he is doing, I;m a widow.

[TNFL]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,

another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "Nope, they're all at the funeral."

[Fish Toys]

The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd

If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!! If not, send it to your parents! They'll think it's funny!**

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .... Uphill BOTH ways .. Yadda, yadda, yadda**

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of [PoorWordUsage] like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! **

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!**

1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... In the card catalog!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so!)**

2. There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... With a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!**

3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it ourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!**

4. We didn't have fancy [PoorWordUsage] like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! **

5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

**

6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!**

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!**

8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!**

And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons! **

9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever

like an one-who-thinks-I-am-silly. **

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone.

We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do..... Hang up and talk to them later.**

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!! **

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the 80s! **

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

[rockman]

I heard this one at work the other day.

An employee calls his boss at work to say that he won't be coming in to work today.His boss ask why. His response is, "Because I have anal glaucoma." His boss then asks,"Anal glaucoma? I have never heard of it.What is it?" The employee then replied,"Well,boss, I just don't see my butt coming into work today."

Much laughter followed, being the joke was told to me at the workplace.

[Pleasant]

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory....and both were laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel fitter." The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill?" yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "Yah...... DIESEL FITTER."

[DARK30]

How do you know when your girlfriend is starting to gain too much weight?

She can fit into your Wife's clothes.

[TNFL]

My nickname for my ex-girlfriend is Marino............

She never got a ring either!!!!!

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Could be Tarkington as well, eh TNFL?

Windy

[EMJB]

This one is from my 5 year old daughter!

What did the mayo say to the fridge?

Shut the door i am dressing!

And from my little cousin.

What kind of a bee makes milk?

A boo-bee!!!

[papabear]

dont forget We didnt have speed dial, infact we had to wait for the $%^%&^%$ dial to spin back into place every darn number

-Winters were harsh with snow all the way up to our ankles

-The only air conditioning we had was a sprinkler in the yard

-the worst part of our childhood... have you looked at the clothes we had to where then ... oh yeah you have you idiotd bought them at the "Vintage Store" you all look great in brown shirts with orange horizontal stripes and hip hugger bell bottoms