Anybody know any clean jokes?

[dan z]

blond goes to the window shade store and asks a few ?'s about what color to buy. the clerk asks what size and the blond says 17" the clerk then replies why so small the blonds says my laptop has a 17" screen and it has windows LOL LOL LOL

[BigWadeS]

WHY PARENTS DRINK!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Karen and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Karon said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Karon can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[snoozebutton]

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but

feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of

being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front

of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it

there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just

turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front

of Mildred's house . . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

[troutmaster]

An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way through, she leans over and says to her husband,

I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

[troutmaster]

Not sure if anyone posted this but,

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[snoozebutton]

An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way through, she leans over and says to her husband,

I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

I like that one.

[efgh]

The local drug store was robbed of 500 bottles of viagra, the man arrested was know as a harden crimenal.

[SomethingFishy*]

Kittens For Sale

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens she was trying to give away. She had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.

Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's Senator Obama.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked. 'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.' 'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked. 'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned to return the next day, have the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is out on the corner again with her box and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.' Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes I know. But today they have their eyes open.'

[prov1900]

Halloween jokes for kids:

1. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? No guts.

2. What is a ghost's favorite sandwich? Booo-loney.

Sorry. That is what I get in the schools

[tunrevir]

Number one rule for a witch? Never fly off the handle!

Tunrevir~

[BigWadeS]

A BUS STOPS AND 2 ITALIAN MEN GET ON. THEY SIT DOWN AND ENGAGE IN AN ANIMATED CONVERSATION. THE LADY SITTING NEXT TO THEM IGNORES THEM AT FIRST, BUT HER ATTENTION IS GALVANIZED WHEN SHE HEARS ONE OF THEM SAY THE FOLLOWING:

'EMMA COME FIRST.

DEN I COME.

| DEN TWO A-SSES COME TOGETHER.

I COME ONCE-A-MORE!

TWO A-SSES, THEY COME TOGETHER AGAIN.

I COME AGAIN AND PEE TWICE.

THEN I COME ONE LASTA TIME.

THE LADY CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE, 'YOU FOUL-MOUTHED SEX OBSESSED PIG,' SHE RETORTED INDIGNANTLY. 'IN THIS COUNTRY, WE DON'T SPEAK ALOUD IN PUBLIC PLACES ABOUT OUR SEX LIVES.

'HEY, COOLA DOWN LADY,' SAID THE MAN.

'WHO TALKIN'ABOUTA SEX? I'M A JUST TELLIN' MY FRIENDA HOW TO SPELL 'MISSISSIPPI.'

$5.00 SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN

[UdeLakeTom]

Where do we send the $5???

[genegodawa]

I owe 5.

[nofishfisherman]

The checks in the mail.

[BigWadeS]

that's my get rich quick joke...seriously I would need everyone to send me $5 so I could break even

[snoozebutton]

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

[papabear]

put it on my tab twice

[snoozebutton]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[tunrevir]

Those last two were awsome Snoozebutton! I laughed out loud on the farm joke and my wife had to come and read it.

Tunrevir~

[TNFL]

A blonde walks into her regular

dry cleaner and drops off a blouse.

As she leaves the clerk says

'Come again'

and the blonde says

'No, its mustard this time.'

[snoozebutton]

Now that was funny TNFL, LMAO!!!

[skee0025]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[Scott K]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsnit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HE!! !!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-B****, THAT HURT LIKE HE!! !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I carped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nads and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[UdeLakeTom]

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice . Fo r all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros ., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

(ya gotta guess)BangBang

[justlivin']

An 86 year old man goes to his doctor for his quarterly check up.

The doctor asks the 86 year old man how he's feeling? He replies

" never felt better I have a 20 year old bride that pregnant with my child. So, what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered the old man's question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

I have a older friend much like you. He is a very avid hunter, never misses a season. One day he was set to go hunting but in a hurry he accidentally grabbed his walking stick instead of his gun. As he neared the lake he came across a large beaver sitting on a rock. Just then he realized that he left his gun at home and couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane aimed at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went "bang,bang" Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now what do you think of that" the doctor said.

The 86 year old man said "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple rounds into that beaver"

The doctor replied "my point exactly"