Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Jim Almquist]

Venison Vs. Beef

From the "U.S. Venison Council"

Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison

and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a strong

"wild" taste, others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An independent

food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste

test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for

all.

First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a

half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were

removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs and through mud

and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and

driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun

for a day.

It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on

the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout

the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For

instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass,

but most of the time they were chased away when they attempted to bite

chunks out of it.

Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the

basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left

from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the

grass stuck under the lawn mower.

The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where

a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it

with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds

of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks

that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half

thick on the other edge.

The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the

flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with

three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two

hours.

The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three

intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the

panel thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like

the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.

The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is no

difference between the taste of beef and venison...

[Deitz Dittrich]

LMAO @ Jim.. I liked that.

[MuleShack]

(The latest in one to go around in email...)

Undeniable Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the h$LL are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[tcwin]

A new supermarket opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bakery department features the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked bread.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[tcwin]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[tcwin]

A woman's dishwasher breaks down and she calls a repairman.

Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

"When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"

[lovebigbluegills]

Ole and Sven are the best of friends and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'

Sven says, 'Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!'

So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, 'Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!'

Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, 'Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.'

Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.

Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says, 'Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole.'

So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, 'Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?'

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it...

As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, 'Vell Ole, vat did she say?'

Ole says, 'Vell, I tink she said. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin again.'

[lovebigbluegills]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her

to pull over to the side of the road. When she did, he got

out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his

pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde,

"Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When

he turned around, she had a slight grin on her face, so he

said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He got a

baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her

car. When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on

her face. So he was really starting to get mad. He went and

got his knife back out and sliced up all her tires.

The blonde started laughing and the truck driver was really

starting to lose it.

He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on

her car, and set it on fire. He turned around and she was

laughing so hard, she was about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside

the circle four times!"

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[tcwin]

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around,

looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard… 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[tcwin]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN

LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[tcwin]

...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)

[reinhard1]

good one!good luck.

[MuleShack]

Children Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

[tcwin]

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 meters'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

[Gordie]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "It’s a puppy!"

[maros91]

I'm sure this one has been said before but here it goes.

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around the TV watching the Super Bowl?

The Vikings

[lovebigbluegills]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Te...xting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go P00p

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[lovebigbluegills]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Chicago

were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer

say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park

your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get

through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio

announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must

park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can

get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio

announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must

park ...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her

face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I

need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love, empathy and understanding in his voice that all men

who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you

just leave the car in the garage this time."

[pureinsanity]

I heard this one on KQ this morning. Gotta love Terri's oneliners.

What did the one casket say to the other?

Is that you Coughing(coffin) over there?

[Finlander]

Here's a dirty joke:

A pig fell in the mud!

[tunrevir]

Here's a dirty joke:

A pig fell in the mud!

I believe it was 2 pigs fell in the mud and three got out!

Tunrevir~

[genegodawa]

Some free advice (worth what you pay for it):

Never wrestle with a pig!

They like it.

You get dirty!

[cbrooks]

An amish boy and his father were in the mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide together again.

The boy asked,"What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elavator) responded,"Son, I have never seen anything like this before, I don't know what this is."

While the boy and his father watch in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the wall and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the door light up sequentially.

They continue to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgerous 24-year-old blonde step out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young women, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother.."