Anybody know any clean jokes?

[smg04]

little jonny is sitting on a park bench next to and elderly man,jonny pulls six candy bars out of his pocket and eats them all, the old man says"you know u shouldnt eat so much candy like that, it will give u a tummy ach and ruin your supper", little jonny says "you know, my grandfather lived to be 97yrs old", the old man says" well thats a good long life but did he eat six candy bars everyday of his life", little jonny responds to the old man " no, but he minded his own f@#$^%g busniss though!

[shovelheadsd]

Theres this poor guy who has a drinking problem, and after 10 years his wife talks him into giving it up. So after 6 months being sober she tells him that she will fix his favorite meal for dinner that night,this happens to be escargot, but she tells him that he has to pick up the snails on his way home from work. Well after work he heads for the sea food store and gets his snails,as he is going home he walks past one of his favorite watering holes and some of his old drinkn pals see him and talk in in to having just one, well after having way more than 1 and feeling it he continues his way home now about 6 hours late for dinner. As he gets to his sidewalk and opens the gate he stubs his tow on a crack and fall with the bag of snails flying everywhere and then the porch light come on, the door opens and there stands his wife. She says "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" to which he replys with with arms waving forward " i know i know, come on guy we're almost home".

[Bigsmitty]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The (Contact Us Please) fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[Bobby Bass]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and

his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open

and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep

again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so

she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,"

it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to

beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[The Yeti]

My all time favorite:

A horse walks into a bar... the bartender looks at him and says "hey... why the long face?.."

[McGurk]

Two peanuts walked through a park. One was a salted, the other called for help.

[sachem longrifle]

Quote:

---

Two buddies, Tony and Marc, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Marc throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jenny will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jenny that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Marc rolls into home and his Jenny starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jenny looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhaaat in my pants, too."

Does that one still qualify for "clean" ??

~T

---

LOL!!! I choked on my own spit on that one!!!

[Stiff]

A loving, but menapausal wife was having a conversation with her therapist...

"My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought

me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to

monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green.

....... and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."

[Stiff]

Ole is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.

He drives to NORDAKOTA...looks at the cow...reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[BigWadeS]

Number One (Contact Us Please) of 2006

This is from a true medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

[zamboni]

Whats a "clean" joke?

[Stiff]

Here's one from Old George showing us all that there is no need for hostilities...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home....and left it there, all night!!!

Ya just gotta' love ole George . . . . . .

[Bobby Bass]

The Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day.

He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the (Contact Us Please)?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The moral: Don't mess with us old farts . . . .

[Daze Off]

Big Wade -

Reps vs. Dems

EXCELLENT post!!! Bravo!

Daze Off

[3pronghook]

Good deer hunting story.

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HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed,about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I missed an enormous 10-point buck this morning. I can't shoot worth a (Contact Us Please) anymore; maybe my eyesight is getting bad ? Got laid though !

[The Grebe]

3 spuds laying on the table...how can you tell which one is a prostitute? It says "Idaho" on it!

[Whoaru99]

Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Valdorf College and belief in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnysota and I belief in the power of yustice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the Nort Dakota State University and yust graduated with a degree in Electrical Enyineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug dis ting in!"

[The Yeti]

A jumper cable walks into a bar and orders a beer.... bartender looks at him and says... "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[The Yeti]

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.. he looks at the bartender and says.. "I'll have a beer... and one for the road."

[The Yeti]

A woman brings her dog to the vet because he's cross eyed and she's concerned about it. The vet picks up the dog, looks at his teeth, checks his eyes.. then looks at the woman and says.. "I'm sorry ma'am, I'm going to have to put him down".. the woman, with worry in her voice says "oh dear.. Why? Because he's crossed eyed?".. The vet says.. "No..because he's really heavy"

[The Grebe]

It's still funny the 3rd time around!

[The Yeti]

Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?.....

Because if it had 4 doors, it would be called a chicken sedan.

[DARK30]

A small plane was in trouble and loosing altitude fast. Onboard were the pilot, a preacher, a hippy, and an engineer.

As the plane plummeted, the four men realized they had only three parachutes.

The pilot grabbed the first parachute saying "I got a wife and three kids" and jumped out.

The engineer then grabbed one and without giving any reason just jumped out of the plane.

The preacher looked at the hippy and said, "Go ahead and take the last parachute son, I'll be fine"

The hippy smiled and said, "Don't worry preacherman we still got two chutes. The engineer just jumped out with my backpack"

Note: The "engineer" spot can be replaced with "plant manager".

[Stiff]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends –

if they're okay, guess what…..

[Stiff]

Whose bright idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"??