Anybody know any clean jokes?

[lovebigbluegills]

THESE REALLY WORK!! I

checked them out on Snopes and TruthorFiction. They're

for real!

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE

TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE

YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY

USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR

A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE

ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT

YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE

BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL

BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE

WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[genegodawa]

Good ones love...heard the basic idea on those, but never put that way before. Got a cupla good giggles..thanks.

[Gordie]

DEER CAMP

>

> Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

> Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

> Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

> Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

> "[PoorWordUsage] man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

> "Well, I've been here since yesterday.

> Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

> I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

> She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

> On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

> She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

> And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

> So, here I am.

[Supercrew]

Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I make myself LOL.....

How do you get a one armed monkey out of the tree?

Wave at him.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA again....LOL I make myself crazy with these jokes, MUST have kids to understand this.

[lovebigbluegills]

Two Minnesotans are sittin' in a boat. So Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba

divers always fall backwards off 'der boats?" To which Sven replies,

"Well, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in 'da fraken'

boat!" There ya have it then ...

[Chnginthhofl]

What did the 0 say to the 8 ?

"Nice belt"

[Jmnhunter]

wow

[lovebigbluegills]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[papabear]

now I know what I have to look forward to when I'm dying.

[tunrevir]

A guy is mowing his neighbors lawn because he is layed up. The neighbor whose laid up has 5 cats and loves each and every one of them dearly. He opens the door and offers the guy mowing the grass a cool glass of ice water and one of the cats escapes out into the yards and runs off nowhere to be seen. The guy goes back to mowing the grass and as he is passing by the hedge he accidentally runs over the cats tail cutting it in two. Mortified he picks up the cat and the piece of tail and goes to the house and rings the bell to ask where the nearest vets office is. The neighbor replies 45 miles. The guy mowing the grass says, "Well, I guess I'll just run over to Walmart its just down the street." The befuddled neighbor asks, "Why would you take my wounded cat to Walmart?" The lawnmower guy says, "I heard they were the biggest retailer in the area."

Tunrevir~

[LwnmwnMan2]

Lindsey Vonn was at the White House and gave her gold medal to President Obama.

He's got the fastest time in taking this country downhill.

[tunrevir]

Good one:) Got a good chuckle out of that one!

Tunrevir~

[dillrodd]

Lil Johnny is sitting in school when his teacher decides to have a poetry contest. When she asks who wants to particapate of course Thomas decides to get in. Well with Thomas being the smartest kid in the whole class everyone just assumes he'll win and nobody else gets in. Lil Johnny wasn't going to just set there and let Thomas win so he decides to get in at the last moment.

The teacher then tells Thomas and Johnny that the only requirement for the poem would be that it had to be about Timbukto.

They both sat down and starting writing and of course Thomas got done first. He went to front of the class and read this. Stanley and Livingston acroos the desert flew, riding camels two by two, where they started nobody knew, but where they ended up was Timbukto

Johnny finally got done and he figured he had lost for sure, but decided to read it anyway. He got up and read this.

Me and Tim a fishing we went, we found three girls camped out in a tent, since they was three and we was two I bucked one and Timbukto.

[lovebigbluegills]

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[lovebigbluegills]

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he brokedown and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help me with my problem?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

[lovebigbluegills]

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school

had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new

radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens'

luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's

nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to

an old forgotten

lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this

one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of

little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could

listen to mine, and I said f@#& you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes

[roughfish29]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

789

[tunrevir]

2 silk worms got into a race..............they ended up in a tie:)

Did ytou hear about the new soft drink it is 7up and prune juice? They are going to call it hurry up!

Did you hear about the buck ram that ran over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn:)

Tunrevir~

[Jmnhunter]

[tunrevir]

That was funny right there Did you hear about the kid that swallowed a couple quarters? The MD decided to keep him over night for observation. He checked in with the head nurse and asked, "How's the kid that swallowed the quarters doing?" She replied, "No change yet:)"

Did you hear that a short psychic escaped from prison? The headline read: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

Tunrevir~

[fish-n-fool]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington, D.C. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man Knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What Happened? What’s the hold up?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. If they don’t get it they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection. Would you like to give anything?”

The driver asks, “On average how much is everyone giving?”

“About a gallon.”

[efgh]

To the top, WHAT, HASN:T ANYONE A SENCE OF HUMOR?

[Harmonica Bear]

When Reagan was President we still had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now that Obama is President we have no hope and no cash

[tunrevir]

I heard recently that Obama selected a commission to look into the new Obama postage stamp as it wasn't sticking to the envelopes. The commission returned and reported that there wasn't really a problem with the stamp but that people were spitting on the wrong side.

Tunrevir~

[tunrevir]

Did you hear Buckwheat decided to change his religion to Islam? He now goes by Kareemawheat

Tunrevir~