Anybody know any clean jokes?

[BobT]

There were these four golfing buddies and every weekend they would get together for a friendly competition.

On one particular outing they were down to the last hole and one of the fellows was preparing to make a 30' putt for the win.

He studies his shot, gets himself in position, lines up his putter and about that moment a funeral procession comes by.

He stops what he's doing, removes his hat, and takes a pause in silence while the procession passes.

When it has gone by he puts his hat back on, aligns his shot, and makes the putt for the win.

His buddies were amazed and commented about how impressed they were with what they just witnessed. His only comment was, "Well, we'd been married for over 40 years."

Bob

[efgh]

Do you know the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[dan z]

American Idol Humor

The Top 5 Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung

5. He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on *both* your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway.

4. Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanor landed him a $25,000 porno deal.

3. His tux? The limo? The hotel room? Everything has been rented for just 15 minutes.

2. "Our next song is by request -- for the fifth time tonight, not that we're counting... 'She Bangs!'"

and the Number 1 Sign Your Prom Date Is William Hung...

1. Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering the after-party.

[Sandmannd]

4 extra tickets

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center this weekend if anybody wants them.

He's going to try to jump 1000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a pretty good time.

[tunrevir]

That is funny! Thanks for jump starting my day with a chuckle Sandmannd.

Tunrevir~

[natalie]

When I was younger I HATED going to weddings...

It seemed that all of my aunts and grand-motherly used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs, cackle, telling me, "YOU'RE NEXT!"

They finally stopped that [PoorWordUsage] after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[UdeLakeTom]

I got that one in an email this week!!

[natalie]

Thats were I got it from. I thought it was pretty good!

[Lisa Almquist]

It's pretty good natalie! I can't contribute to this thread-I've got no CLEAN jokes!

[mnwild]

The Presidential Election..... This says it all!

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

[Sandmannd]

Seen it before, but it's sooooooo true.

[carpmaster4]

96% of Americans say oh s hit before going into the ditch, the other 4% are from Minnesota and say hold my beer and watch this S hit!

[natalie]

LisaTealz - I think thats the only clean joke one I know too! haha

[Lisa Almquist]

natalie, I do know LOTS of knock-knock jokes! But most of my jokes are lame-o! Here's one I got in an email a little bit ago:

Nurse Humor

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

she looks at the flabbergasted teller

and with out missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great .... that's just great .....

Some butthole's got my pen!'

Kinda sick I know! But very fitting since nursing school is right around the corner!!

[UdeLakeTom]

Just don't let them have you page Dr. Frank N. Stein to surgery.

[Lisa Almquist]

To do a procedure on Abby Normal.

[crowwingfisher]

THE MOPED

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,

pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car

and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show

the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,

demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor; is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

[Lisa Almquist]

Awesome crowwingfisher!!

[genegodawa]

That one has me busting a gut Crow....I gotta copy it onto another site.

[natalie]

LisaTeals - HAHAHAHAHA that is funny! I'm the same way, all I know are like kids jokes, then some not very approperate ones...

[mnwild]

Favre,Manning and Romo-

God asks Peyton Manning: " What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard,

looks God in the eye and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God sees the essential goodness of Manning and offers him a seat to his left.

God turns to Tony Romo and says "What do you believe?" Romo says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too have been lucky, but win or lose, I try to be a true sportsman on and off the field." God is moved by Romo's sincere eloquence and offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre, "And you Brett, what do you believe?"

Favre replies, "I believe you're in my seat!"

[efgh]

Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it is called sexual harassment? Why is it when a woman talks dirty to a man it costs $4.00 a minute? Equal rights must not apply .

[tunrevir]

This one is for Lisa with her new job in a SNF.

What is the most common bra size in a nursing home?

36 long.

Did you ever hear about the blonde that thought inuendo was Italian for Preperation H.

Tunrevir~

[CALVINIST]

Stan: What's the biggest problem facing America, ignorance or apathy?

Dan: I don't know and I don't care.

[AndyM]

Why do cows wear bells???

Cause thier horns don't work.......