New Addition to my Family

[Sandmannd]

That is a good one. My wife brought home some broasted chicken and we made mashed potatoes and gravy and biscuits to go with it. Seemed to go over fine. But we gotta have the Hotdogs and Mac and Cheese, that's one of my favorites as well.

She was chattin' on the phone and playing on the PC last night. Kinda weird to be getting phone calls like that now but I guess at 11 is when that kinda starts. I'm just not used to it, but she's been a great kid so far.

[Jim Almquist]

Shane I think you can kiss that phone goodbye with a girl just coming into her teens and from now on you will have to keep your cell on 24/7. It is good thing that she feels comfortable enough to be on the phone but I am sure she is a nervous around the new setting and this is her way of adjusting.As long as there is no major conflicts it is all good

[Peachy]

That is a good one. My wife brought home some broasted chicken and we made mashed potatoes and gravy and biscuits to go with it. Seemed to go over fine. But we gotta have the Hotdogs and Mac and Cheese, that's one of my favorites as well.

Ohhhhh that sounds so yummy!!!!! We had ham steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans the other night. My boys loved it! One of their favorite meals.

[DeeDee]

Peachy I used to make that all the time

[Sandmannd]

OK, so she moved in Friday and things are going OK. She keeps to herself a lot, which I'm not a fan of, but it's so new to her. I'm going from a three year old to eleven and learning as I go, it's a huge step. Yesterday I got home from fishing and she was on the computer, when I walked in the door she quick shut her IE and opened a new one so I knew something was up. Later I went to the history folder and looked at Saturday's history. Lets just say she was at sites that would make a grown man (namely me) want to hurl. I locked down the PC so she can't get to anything unless one of us authorize it first. I've been looking at Parental Control software and some are pretty cool where they will record all keystrokes and we can look at her chats, emails and what she's doing online. Does anyone have any experience with these programs and what's a good one to get? What do other parents do?

We are going to limit her online time to two hours a day on weekends and one hour on the weekday but she's banned from it for now. Also doing the same with talking on the phone. Is this about right? Just looking for some help from other parents.

[DeeDee]

I would be a little careful about reading her email and stuff or letting her know about it. She may feel your invading her privacy (I know at 11 you feel she shouldnt have any) Just a battle I went thru with my daughter now 20 yrs old. Once I started respecting her privacy (many many battles later) she lightened up a bit. I guess you can say your walking on shaky grounds right now. little girls are very touchy and tempermental. I guess what I am really trying to say is in your situation anything you do right now, she is going to hate, and probably get really mad at you

Altho limiting her time online and on the phone I totally agree with .

[Sandmannd]

I hear you and agree with you. She needs some privacy, but the sites she was on are something an eleven year old should never be at. She has rights and privacy but with me, when you take advantage of that, I pull back the reins a little.

[DeeDee]

I dont blame you. I'm sure I know the HSOforum she was at. Check out cybernanny.com

[fishinchicks]

Great time to sit down and lay out some boundaries and ground rules. She may have never had it laid out for her that there are some things that are not ok. I am guessing that she will be testing you out to see what she can get away with. As long as you and your wife are on the same page with rules, and are consistant about them, it should get better.

It is also important to show her that even though she has done something you don't approve of, you still love her.

[Lisa Almquist]

Holy cats, I sure wish DeeDee or fishinchicks had been my mom!! Good advice gals!

[Sandmannd]

I agree with you girls totally. We didn't come down on her, we just said that it's not OK to go to those types of sites and that it's never to happen again or the computer time goes away. I'll be on here asking for more advice I'm sure. It's a great community and a wealth of info.

Thanks again. I did check out the cybernanny but I'm kinda leaning towards PC Pandora right now.

[DeeDee]

Thanks Lisa, it was easier to say it then to do it. As many times as she and I had butted heads I'm surprised one of us arent suffering from short term memory loss. By the way I like your new avitar

Sandmannd - I know you'll make all the right choices, after all this isnt your first time. It's just a learn as you go process.

[Iambjm]

For my anti-virus I have PcCillan, which has built in parental controls. If you are running a pc with windows you can set up your area of the pc and set up a separate id for the 11 year old. Then you should be able to control it from there. She would need a password to access her area, and you would need a password for yours. Not having children myself advice is hard, but if you sit her down and explain to her that she is not being punished, but instead you are trying to protect her she might understand. Hard to say, as I didn't understand my mom's rules until I was about 22.

[Sandmannd]

OK so it's been a little over a week now and going pretty good. I didn't get any SW for the PC, she knows the consiquenses and has been good. I did get a timer that boots her off after her alloted time. I've learned there is a big difference in an 11 year old and my 3 year old. We had been pretty easy on her cause of feeling bad for her situation. We have learned that that doesn't work cause kids will walk on you. So we have become more strict of following our rules and it's going good. She's gaining respect for us and has opened up a little. There are times we wonder what we got ourselves into but it's a great experience for the most part. Just last night she was laying in Lizzy's (our 3 year old's) room on the floor with her playing with playdo and other toys. It was great to see the two playing together and laughing and having a great time. That warmed my heart and made everything worth it. She is a great kid and I think just needs structure and to know we are there for her. It's very rewarding for the most part with a few of the what did we do mixed in but that is pretty few and gets better all the time. She has to learn that she can come to us with problems and I expect that will come in time. She's very good about getting her home work done. The chores we have for her we have to remind her to do but that's no big deal. We have to tell her to take a shower, but I think that's all pre-teens. Thanksgiving was nice, we went to my brother-in-laws and she had a good time. I can joke with her and make her laugh and to me there is nothing better than getting a smile and giggle out of her. Over all, kids are just plain awesome and to think we have a good chance of making a huge difference in her life feels great.

[snoozebutton]

Thanks for keeping us updated Sandmannd.

I raised 3 daughters and probably did everything wrong but hey, they turned out okay anyway. Where there's love, there's a way.

[Sandmannd]

Little Update:

Last Thursday we met with some social workers. They said it was time to let her know that we are adopting and not just foster parents. So we took her out and let her pick a place to eat. After we were done I asked if she liked living with us and she said yes. So I asked what she thought of making it perminant and instead of being our foster daughter, she would be OUR Daughter. She smiled and shrugged and I told her to think about it.

Tuesday I picked her up from school and brought her to work for a couple of hours. She sat at my wifes desk. I went up to leave and they were looking at Avon books. My wife had a couple of tears in her eyes so I asked what was going on. My wife said that they were looking at jewlery and she told her she's not going to buy her a bunch of bling if she's just going to leave and take it with her. To which the reply was, I'm not leaving, ever!! So that was nice to hear.

We got home and her Social Worker came over for a visit. We were talking and laughing and goofing off. Well my wife and new daughter left the room and the social worker looked at me and said in the year and a half that he's known her (since her mom passed away) he has never seen her smile so much, laugh and have a good conversation. That made us feel pretty dang good.

So for now, things are going great. She is really getting into the mold of the family and learning how we do things. I think she just needed some structure and for someone to show they care about her. She will joke with me, but won't have a good conversation with me yet. We all know she hasn't had a Dad in her life ever so it's a big step for her.

[UdeLakeTom]

Great news...best of luck and maybe you can convince her to be your new fishing partner sometime.

[Lisa Almquist]

Oh my gosh that's so great! What great news and you're going to have such a wonderful Christmas together!

[HugoBox]

Hi Sandamannd-

I'm not new to FM but haven't posted in this forum much. My parents adopted my sister after the first few years of her life didn't go so well. That was 35 years ago and it couldn't have worked out better for her and for us. My wife and her twin sister were also adopted and the same could be said for her. You are doing a great thing and in 30 years or so you and your new daughter will look back at this time and be so thankful for what you have together. Good luck as the adventure continues and enjoy your first holiday together.

-erik

[Sandmannd]

Lisa and Tom, thank you for the kind words. It is very rewarding to do this and give her, what I think, is the best gift and that's a new and hopefully better life.

HugoBox, it's so great to hear stories like that. We are very blessed to have the two children we have and are talking about adding another at some point. We have even started talking about when the kids are older doing foster care. So many need help and to be able to offer a home for them is just a great experience. I'm so glad you sister worked out and your family is bigger and better for it. Nice about your wife too. It's odd as I get more into the adoption things I hear about more and more folks that were either adopted or have been touched by adoption in some way. I have a close friend that I made on FM that was adopted and we talk about it all the time.

I am going to have pictures taken today. My little one just turned three last month so it's her three year pictures. I also want some taken of the 11 year old alone and then the both together. We have so many pictures of just Lizzy up and I think getting pictures of them both up is important so they feel at home. The other night she brought out pictures from her pass of her Mom and friends and family. I went down and found a colage frame I hadn't used yet and told her to do what she wants with it and we will either put it up in our living room or in her room, whichever she preferred. Her face lit up like you wouldn't believe. It's small things that we all take for granted that these children think are big and it's touching when you see that look in their eyes.

[DonBo]

I'm really happy for you and the new family Shane.

Merry Christmas!

[Sandmannd]

Thanks Don. Merry Christmas to your family as well. Shoot me an email sometime and let me know how your wife is doing now.

[DonBo]

Thanks Don. Merry Christmas to your family as well. Shoot me an email sometime and let me know how your wife is doing now.

Mary is doing great, she's been back to work for a couple weeks now. I however am stuck at home for a bit. Had knee surgery yesterday. Don't have your addy here.

My home adress is:

donandmarybathotmaildotcom

[Lisa Almquist]

That's too bad DonBo!

[tacklejunkie]

My wife and I just got word yesterday that we were the selected couple to move forward on the adoption of an 11 year old girl!! We are very excited to have this addition to our family and thought I would share with you all. We have a 3 year old we adopted three years ago, so this is a little bit of a leap.

shane...you da man! you are adopting a child and providing that child with a loving home and stable family life. a special place in heaven exists for people like you. congrads