Anybody know any clean jokes?

[reinhard1]

LOL!!!!good luck.

[5crows]

A business man named Jack was stuck in New York on halloween and having a drink at the bar of his hotel, when two guys dressed as superman and batman sit down beside him.

He strikes up a conversation about the costumes and they say its a great holiday to goof around, and one buys him a drink.

Jack says he's from Denver and just made a big score today at work, landing a new New York customer.

He buys the next round, saying maybe they should celebrate his good luck.

He learns they're not locals either, but have been in the city a few weeks.

After a few more drinks, they offer to take him to some of the sights they've found and while doing the tour, hit a few more bars on Time Square.

Eventually they end up in the elevator headed to the top of the Empire State Building.

As the elevator opens up, one of the guys says the views great up here and the wind is really something.

It's after midnight and nobodies around, so they walk over to the edge and one of the guys climbs up, sits on the top of the wall says watch this!

He puts his feet and legs over the ledge. The wind rushing up the side of the building raises his legs straight up.

He starts laughing and before you know it, all three are doing the same, laughing like hell!

The first guy says "Watch this!" and puts out his arms and legs and the wind rocks him back.

"This is too cool he says and gets to his feet on the ledge. He leans forward and falls over the edge but the wind catches him and he hovers in mid air for a few seconds, eventually ending up back on the ledge.

You guys got to try this!, he exclaims. It's unbelievable, Jack!

No way, bet you can't do that again! Jack says.

The guy leans forward again and this time jumps off the ledge. He falls about five stories but again, the wind catches him and brings him hovering up to the top ledge again.

"You got to check this out!" "We've been doing it a week"

So up Jack stands on the ledge, leans forward and jumps, only to fall 90 stories screaming to the ground.

The third guy looks at the guy that was hovering and just shakes his head, saying ---

"You're sure a mean drunk, Superman".

[5crows]

One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.

"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"

"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.

"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"

[5crows]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of Him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in he back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

[5crows]

Cajun boys confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Tommy Hebert?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Tommy Hebert, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Leblanc?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?'

'I'll never tell.'

' Was it Nina Boudreaux?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Breaux?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Robicheaux, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Tommy Hebert, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Marcel slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

[tcwin]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________ ]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my ]Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________ ]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court ]Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a little something myself.'

___________________________________________ ]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife a]t all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________ ]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has b]een living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________ ]

A blonde calls the Airline and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly to Ibiza?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

__________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Harmonica Bear]

So, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," can you call them and ask if they meant you or them?

[efgh]

Bubba and his friend were sitting on the curb when a big truck load of sod went by. Bubba says to his fiend I,s a gonna do dath when I win the lottery. His friend say, do what? Bubba says I:m gonna send my grass out to get cut.

[tcwin]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left...

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!! People stopped coming over to visit..

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[tunrevir]

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? She was trying to makeup her mind.

Why do blonde nurses carry a red felt tip pen? In case they need to draw blood.

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

Tunrevir~

[tcwin]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me..

[reinhard1]

. good luck.

[efgh]

Two guys were sitting in a bar, one says, do you see those two guys sitting across from us, thats what we will look like in 10 years? The other guy looks up and says, thats a miror stupid.

[IamZombie]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

[Gordie]

Copper wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Askov , Minnesota , Ole Swenson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota.

[Scott K]

[matilda]

LOL! it's funny to read all of this stuff.. i'll find something good next time to share it:D

[matilda]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Gordie]

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed.

Walking through the mall, the wife was surprised when she looked up and noticed that her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

So she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

Her husband in a calm voice, said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford? And I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife, crying, said, "Yes, I do remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[matilda]

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed.

Walking through the mall, the wife was surprised when she looked up and noticed that her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

So she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

Her husband in a calm voice, said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford? And I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife, crying, said, "Yes, I do remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Really touching!

[lovebigbluegills]

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears:

BUMP...

... BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him!

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster...

Faster...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP..

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping!

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP...

On the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything. His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN.

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition, and...

the coffin stops.

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[tcwin]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota. He leaned his old 16

gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over; it went

off and Ole took most of an ounce of shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.....

and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat

you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was

very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da

buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage

done to your private parts. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a

plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis

Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your

fingers, so you don't pi$$ in your eye."

[tcwin]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno."

[not_nuf_time]

A kid walks up to his buddy and noticed he had black eyes. So he says "how'ld you get the black eyes?". Well the other says "I'm standing there in church and in front of me is this big ole woman with her dress stuck up the crack of her butt, so I thought I'ld help her out and pull it out, well she turns around and punches me right in the eye." His buddy says "that explains one, but you have two black eyes." "Well, I just figured she was mad I pulled it out so I thought I'ld just tuck it back in for her."