Anybody know any clean jokes?

[reinhard1]

funny. good luck.

[fish-n-fool]

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan.

I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of our driveway.

[pushbutton]

what do you you get when you put a 3 ducks in a box.......quackers

[Whisker Trout Slayer]

A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Seahawks fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Seahawks fan insists that he is the most loyal. "This is for the Seahawks!" He yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Bears fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "this is for the Bears!" And pushes the Packers fan off the mountain... GO BEARS!!!

[Whisker Trout Slayer]

A first grade teacher in Green Bay explains to her class that she is Packers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Packers fans too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, the children raise thei......r hands. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not a Packers fan" Kristen replies.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a Bears fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Bears fan.

"Well, my mom and dad are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile,

"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Packers fan."

[tcwin]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs home.

[tcwin]

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

[tcwin]

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

[tcwin]

These are supposedly true, taken from police dashboard cams.

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just

went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.

... They'll

stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth

certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write

anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another

ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you

go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn

dogs and step in monkey

[PoorWordUsage]."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National

Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're

allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone

who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we

don't.. Sign here."

[genegodawa]

an adjunct for Super Bowl fans...

------

When babies are born, they have to apply to God and pay him for brains that he gets from people who have died. They have to pay God by the ounce. One day 3 babies are born at the same time and go to God to ask for brains.

Baby1 asks God for brains to be a Packer fan. God tells him that'll be $1,000 per ounce, and the baby pays God and moves to Green Bay.

Baby2 asks God for brains to be a Bears fan. God tells him that'll be $100,000 per ounce, and the baby pays God and moves to Chicago.

Baby3 asks God for brains to be a Viking fan. God tells him that'll be $1Million per ounce. Baby3 says to God, "Why so much? The Packer baby only had to pay $1,000 and the Bears baby only had to pay $100,000. Why do I have to pay $1Million to be a Viking fan?"

And God says to Baby3, "do you know how many Viking fans have to die for me to collect an ounce of brains?"

[Dutch55406]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South

Dakota asked

their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught

the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the

winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless,to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the

winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village

should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Serviceand

asked,

'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the

meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even

more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later,he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does

it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's

going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect

every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service

again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very

cold?'

'Absolutely,'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it

is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh_-load of

firewood.

[lip_ripper]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS

DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES

HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[tunrevir]

A guy walks into a restraunt closely followed by an ostrich. He sits and orders a hamburger and fries at which time the ostrich orders the same. when it comes time to pay the man reaches into his pocket and has the exact change to pay the bill. Each day the man and the ostrich would walk into the restraunt and order the same thing. One day the man and the ostrich walk in and the man decides to order a steak and of course the ostrich orders a steak as well. When the pair finish their meal the man reaches into his pocket and puls out the exact change for the bill to pay. After weeks of this the waitress is amazed and she asks the guy, "Each time you come in, you and the ostrich order the same thing and then you proceed to pay and pull out the exact ampount needed to pay the bill. I find that amazing. How do you know what the amount will be?" The guy replied, "A few years ago I found a bottle on the beach which had a genie who granted me 2 wishes. I wished that anytime I was going to buy something that I would have the exact amount I would need. The waitress replies, "That is very smart of you, you are rich and will never run out of money but always have enough for everything you buy." The she asked about the ostrich. The man said, "MY second wish was for a tall chick with a big rear end that would follow me around and agree with everything I said."

Tunrevirt~

[lip_ripper]

I never knew about this.

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

[3pronghook]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me

as I was flipping channels.

She asked,

"What's on TV?"

I said,

"Dust."

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

My wife and I were watching

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No,"

she answered.

Then I said,

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time,

simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said,

"Then I'd like to phone a friend..."

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Saturday morning I got up early,

quietly dressed,

made my lunch,

and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the van,

and proceeded to back out

into a torrential downpour...The wind was blowing 50 mph,

so I pulled back into the garage,

turned on the radio,

and discovered that the weather would be bad all day...

I went back into the house,

quietly undressed,

and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back,

now with a different anticipation,

and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed

and little things just seem funny?

Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it...He was a

DWARF!

He stormed over to my car,

looked up at me, and shouted,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said,

"Well then,

which one are you?"

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* **

My wife was hinting about what she wanted

for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny

that goes from 0 to 150

in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

When I got home last night,

my wife demanded

that I take her some place expensive...so,

I took her to a gas station.

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

After retiring,

I went to the Social Security office

to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter

asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry,

but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said,

"Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said,

"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"

and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home,

I excitedly told my wife

about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said,

"You should have dropped your pants,

you might have gotten disability, too."

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

My wife and I were sitting at a table

at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink

as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!' my wife exclaimed,

"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said,

"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself..."

And thats when the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

A woman was standing naked,

in front of the bedroom mirror... She was not happy

with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly.

Right now,

I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied,

"Your eyesight's dang near perfect!"

And thats,

when the fight started...

[reinhard1]

those were realy great. thanks good luck.

[tcwin]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[5crows]

This guy is walking out of the hardware store and is met by a pan-handler who asks for some spare change. The guy asks him if he is going to spend the money on beer and the pan-handler says he quit drinking about 10 years ago. So he then asks if he is going to buy cigarettes and the pan-handler says he quit smoking about 15 years ago. So he asks if he is going to spend the money on fishing stuff and the pan-handler says he quit bass fishing about 20 years ago. So the guy asks the panhandler if he will come to his house for dinner to meet his wife and family. The pan-handler explains that he has not had a shower in a long time and that he is dirty and he stinks so it would be rude for him to come into the guy’s house. The guy says no it will be just perfect, I want my wife and family to see just what a man looks and smells like after he quits drinking, smoking and bass fishing!!!!

[Sherpa]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[5crows]

Clean joke. A minister is out west on a vacation and hiking inthe mountains. He starts feeling uneasy and realizes he is lost and decides to follow a game trail headed to higher ground and see if he can spot something to help get him out.

Doesn't take long and he's scrambling over rocks and working up a sweat. He hears a noise behind him and waits but it stops and he starts climbing again. Again he hears a noise and the hair on the back of his neck stands up. He turns around and there crouched 30ft downhill at eye level is a big cougar.

He gasps and starts backing away uphill, but the trail end aburptly at a ledge.

In one leap the cat is in front of him. The preacher drops to his knees and prays. Dear God please let your creature be a Christian.

He raises his eyes and looks at the cat, now belly to the ground on all fours. Suddenly the cat begins to speak....

Oh lord thank-you for this nourishing meal I am about to receive. Amen

[5crows]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[tunrevir]

Tunrevir~

[IamZombie]

Crazy guy walks into the psychiatrists office wrapped in nothing but cellophane.

Doctor looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

[tunrevir]

The Mn legislature.............but then again maybe that is a dirty joke.

3 surgeons were talking about the patients they preferred to perform surgery on. The first says, " I prefer to perform surgery on electricians, because everything inside them is color coded. You know exactly where it goes."

#2 says: " I prefer to do surgey on librarians because everything is numbered and alphabhetized so you know exactly where to put everything."

#3 says: "I prefer to do surgery on politicians." The other 2 docs are puzzled and ask, "Why a politician?" #3 says: "That is easy, with politicians you have no brains, no spine, no heart and no guts and the head and the derrier are interchangeable."

Tunrevir~