Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fish-n-fool]

It was so good had to get it posted twice...LOL

[UdeLakeTom]

An older man approached an attractve younger at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman that is a attractive as you, the lady appears out of nowhere….

[fish-n-fool]

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the h usband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[SunneyeDay]

Why did they outlaw gambling in Africa?

Because there were too many cheetahs.

[HossFisher]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.

We don't have any, replied the first blonde.

Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses. said the Game Warden.

But officer, replied the second blonde, we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. Well, I know of no law against it, said the Game Warden, take all the debris you want. And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb Fish Cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

[Mid-Lake Rock]

I've seen a few variations of this joke.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot

air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[harvey lee]

hahaha.

[Sandmannd]

Now that is funny stuff.

[Jim Almquist]

The Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA , and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

[PoorWordUsage] those Indians."

"Who said that?" , she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh [PoorWordUsage], we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

[UdeLakeTom]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with mysister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sureyou have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up andgive up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. Wesimply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need anymedications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling theworld very soon. So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. Youare allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you willbe sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your headand all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, noproblem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who willbe paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that youare too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't haveto pay any income tax. I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!

[UdeLakeTom]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fastshutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouthshut.

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

Ya funny as H*LL, but the old lady didn't think much of it

[Farmboy1]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Want to ride my bike

[fish-n-fool]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

[upnorth]

Guts or Ball!!

I hope this clears up any confusion,

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

'Are you planning on cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the nerve to say:

'You're next, Chubby'.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[wallyeye]

Two radio antenna's got married. The wedding sucked but the reception was great.

[IFallsRon]

You know you're on Obama's health care plan when:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE YOU HAVE OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

[lovebigbluegills]

* His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there

was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of

lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the

distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.*

[lovebigbluegills]

The pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!...

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School ..

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,

took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

‘Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,'

and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...

‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? '

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[lovebigbluegills]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one hell of

A hurry, I have two buddies sitting out in my car

Waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the

Anesthetic and just pull the darned tooth and be done

With it. We have a 10:00 A AM tee time at the best golf

Course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time

To wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is

Surely a very brave and tough guy asking to have his

Tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain....and

Then going out to play a round of golf afterwards.'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your

Mouth, Honey, and show him.'

[lovebigbluegills]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh**s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[lovebigbluegills]

A man and his wife, moved back home to Oklahoma, from Missouri. The husband

had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Missouri cost them $2000. Per

year!

When they arrived in Oklahoma, they went to an insurance agency to see how

much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Oklahoma to

insure it because it cost him $2000 in Missouri!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,

'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a

sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe

it!'

[upnorth]

Got this all in one Email some are pretty dang funny.

How the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife,

'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have $ex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked,

'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,

the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[IFallsRon]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-*-*-*-*

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

[IFallsRon]

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an [PoorWordUsage]!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name "Denise." What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."