Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Sandmannd]

A Louisiana Cajun was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a bayou, well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the cajun. 'I ain't got none of dem there licenses. You gotta unnerstan', dese here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let 'em swim 'round for 'while. Den, when I whistle, dey jump right back into dis here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the cajun.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the cajun.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[mngirl]

I like that one !

[Sandmannd]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walked, they came across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering," said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

"I'm entering," says Pinocchio.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

[Sandmannd]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a North Dakotan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

North Dakotan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'

[pinkfloyd4ever]

good ones sandman

[lovebigbluegills]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows

When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football.."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[fish-n-fool]

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut

off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky

doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I

can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.

"Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible

techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't

you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

[fish-n-fool]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her

telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the

few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before

the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this

psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his

test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned

and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel

chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current

when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then

urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone

to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pi$$ing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

[UdeLakeTom]

Had to be a female dog.

[fish-n-fool]

and it was a pole dancer...

[Pit Bull]

Ole and Lena had just got married in Fargo. They decided to go to Brainerd for their Honeymoon. It's a long drive and Ole is getting a little anxious. Finally outside of town he can't take it any more and starts rubbing Lena's knee. She looks at him with a big smile on her face and says, "OH Ole you can go farther than that". So he drove to Duluth.

[UdeLakeTom]

Same guy after he gets to the motel, jumps out of bed at midnite and tells his bride to get moving....when she asks why, he tells her......well your Dad says about midnite I'll be going to town, so we better get in the car and leave soon.

[fish-n-fool]

Two Norwegians from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere

little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and

Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's

pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs

near Brainerd Lake ..

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop

and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his

shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven

falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole

shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis

budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to

the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis" Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and

shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he

hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never

trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two

friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a

paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over

his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down

and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was

Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..

and now Lars, hengliding ......"

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

[glenn57]

dat last one sounds lika da fargo yoke!!!!!!!!!!

[fish-n-fool]

ya----you betcha...fur sur dere....

[Pit Bull]

Sven heard the fish were really biting. So He went to Ole's House To ask him to go fishing with him. Ole said, "No I can't the outhouse is full and Lena says I have to pitch it out and it's going to take all day". Sven thought a moment and said "I got an idea". We take 2 sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse we put under the outhouse". One with a long fuse we put in the shat". "The first one blows off the outhouse, the second one blows out all the shat and we go fishing". Ole thought a moment and said, "I think that will work". So they carefully placed the dynamite, lite the fuses and ran behind the barn to watch. Just then out came Lena from the house making a mad dash to the outhouse. A few seconds after the door closed, BOOM! Up goes the outhouse. BOOM! out flies the shat. BANG! Down comes the outhouse. The door slowly opens and out comes Lena stumbling through a cloud of smoke and says. "Uff-Da, good thing I didn't do that in the house"!

[Sandmannd]

We used to do that one as a skit back when I was in Boy Scouts.

[glenn57]

GGGGrrrr....... sure wish i could remember them " clean jokes" i here.

[fish-n-fool]

Yeah.. we know... the only ones you remember are the dirty ones..

[fish-n-fool]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where

you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand,

extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as

you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find

that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks,

move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually

try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your

arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel

confident at that level, you can start putting potatoes in each bag.

[Sandmannd]

Recently Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a government funded soup kitchen.

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter: $0.00 dollars

Having Michelle Obama Serve you your soup: $0.00 dollars

Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving a government funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 Black Berry cell phone: $$$$ Priceless

[UdeLakeTom]

A Native American was asked what his wife name was.

He replied...I call her Four Horse.

When asked why, as this was an unusual name, he replied..

NAG, NAG. NAG, NAG!!!!

[fish-n-fool]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, "You know something, Hung Chow? I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything

better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you

say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house!"

[fish-n-fool]

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state

The people had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands...

[Finlander]

What did the one burp say to the other burp?

Lets be stinkers and go out the other end!