Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Jim Uran]

OK , a woman goes into a grocery store to pick up some groceries.. She does her shopping and then proceeds to the check out. She picked up the usual stuff, a jug of milk, a loaf of bread, some cleaning supplies, and some toilet paper. As she was unloading her cart onto the conveyer belt she notices an ol drunk standing there. Watching her groceries go down the belt and into a bag. He looked at her and said, "lady you must be single". She thought to her self wow, how can he tell that by just looking at my groceries. So she asked the guy, "WOW, I am how would you gather that?"...... The ol drunk says.. "because your ugly"

[fishn4kids]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

>

>

>

>

> A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is

> Politics?'

>

> Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

>

> I am the head of the family, so call me The President

>

> Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

> Government .

>

> We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

>

> The nanny, we will consider her theWorking Class.

>

> And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

>

> Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

>

> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

>

> Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check

> on him.

>

> He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

>

> So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.

> Not wa nting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door

> locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

> He gives up and goes back to bed.

>

> The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I

> understand the concept of politics now.'

>

> The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think

> politics is all about.'

>

> The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while

> theGovernment is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future

> is in deep shiit.

>

[snoozebutton]

Ray & Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we

don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the

pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a

measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.

[skee0025]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'No,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,....'Then, why do you even give a carp?

[justlivin']

Stock Market Weekly Quote

"STOCK MARKET NOW WORSE THAT DIVORCE"

I've lost half my net worth and still have my spouse.

[Fish Toys]

NORWEGIAN BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Oslo arrived at the casino

and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the

dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier

when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the

dice and yelled, 'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and

squealed...

'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her

winnings

and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were

watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Norwegians are stupid and not all blondes are

dumb, but all men are men.

[phishandpheasant]

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.

4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'

Button buck says, 'My two are alright, better than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 25 point non-typical buck walks out into the field.

The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.

The big buck made a huge scrape and marked it, rubbed a phone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement.

8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4 does... Who really needs 10 anyways?

4 pointer says, 'You know.. come to think of it, I could only really use one or two of mine!'

The button buck was silent, the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.

Suddenly the yearling runs out into the middle of the field!

He rips and tears up some grass... marks it all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree and chews a lickin branch clean off!

Then he runs back over to his two buddies.

His friends immediately jump him, 'What the heck are you doing!?'

'I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!'

[upnorth]

Anyone care to guess what these are?

[UdeLakeTom]

Love it!!!!

[upnorth]

Yep....I had a little chuckle myself Just needed an appropriate place to put it.

[tunrevir]

bump

[snoozebutton]

Converting a bear

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all

served as chaplains to thestudents of Northern Michigan

University in Marquette . They would get together two or

three times a week for coffee and to talk shop..

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people

isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to

preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided

to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,

find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their

experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on

crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,

went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the

woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to

read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted

nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I

quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary

Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is

coming out next week to give him first communion and

confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had

one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his

best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL,

brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out

and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear

from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do

with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We

wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we

came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his

hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a

lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,

who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and

traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He

was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it,

circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[snoozebutton]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, and both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch

[tunrevir]

A woman walks into the taxadermist with a box containing her 2 pet rabiits that recently passed away. She sets the box on the counter. The taxadermist looks into the box and says, " A couple of rabbits huh? Would you like those mounted?" The woman says, "No, side by side would be just fine."

Tunrevir~

[Sandmannd]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.'

So the good wife went out and moved the car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get

through.'

The good wife went out and moved the car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....'

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

[lovebigbluegills]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing him self too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

[lovebigbluegills]

According to a Marine Pilot:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

Semper Fi

[fish-n-fool]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group

> therapy session with four young Mothers and their small

> children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

>

> To the first mother, Mary, he said,

> 'You are obsessed with eating.

> You've even named your daughter

> Candy.'

>

> He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your

> obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your

> child's name, Penny.'

>

> He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:

> 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in

> your child's name, Brandy.'

>

> At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,

> quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and

> whispered, 'Come on, [PoorWordUsage], this guy has no idea what

> he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy

> from school and go get dinner.'

[fish-n-fool]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house.. The man called his wife's 10 best

friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[fish-n-fool]

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker,

And his throat gets dry,

He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a

new truck .....

[fish-n-fool]

Here's a groaner..

Two bowling teams, one of

all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard

anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and

investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all

the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!

[fish-n-fool]

Subject: Guts v. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[Jim43]

Note from admin, please read forum policy before posting again, Thank you.

[fish-n-fool]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "cause you're ugly."

[fish-n-fool]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.