Anybody know any clean jokes?

[JordanL]

Not sure if this had been on here yet but i will share anyways.

A man walked into this bar with a pet monkey. The man sat down and ordered a drink. The monkey starts going around and eating random things. He then goes to the pool table and swallows a q ball. The bartender asks the man what the monkey is doing. The man tells the bartender that he alsways does that and he will pay for evarything.

A couple weeks later the same guy walks into the bar with the same monkey. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey then went to a table and got a peanut, stuck it up his butt and then ate it. The bartender could not believe what he saw and asks the man why the monkey just stuck a peanut up his butt and ate it. The man replied "well ever sence he ate that q ball he measures everything first".

[copperjohn]

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[copperjohn]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[copperjohn]

Sven the game warden was checking fisherman at the landing as they pulled their sleds off the ice. Everyone had empty buckets as the fishing was awefully slow. Ole pulled his sled up and Sven saw it was overflowing with all sorts of fish. Before giving Ole any tickets, Sven had to know how this Norwegian could get so many fish when all others failed to catch anything. So he demanded that Ole take him back out on the ice and show him his technique. They walk out to the middle of the lake and Ole sets out two buckets, sits on one and offers the other to the officer. Seeing no auger or even fishing poles, Sven sits down totally perplexed. Before he could ask any questions Ole pulls a stick of dynamite from his coat, lights the fuse and tosses it 30 yds onto the ice. Kaboom. After the smoke and ice shards clear from the air, Sven sees that a twenty foot hole has opened up and in it at least 50 shocked fish floated belly up. The flabbergasted fish cop was trying to spit out his words when Ole pulled another stick of dynamite out from his coat, lit the fuse, handed it to Sven and asked "so are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"

[hoggs222]

My buddies 9 year old came up to me today and said.... "How do you spell Icup. I see you pee. Wow, I actually spelled it and had an inside chuckle.

[bgreen82]

a couple iowa jokes:

what is the best thing to ever come out of Iowa, I-35.

So a guy moves from IA to MN and after he moves he starts feeling sick all the time, every day. He goes to the doctor and tells him all about it, so the doctor tells him to go home, take a dump in a bucket and then stick his head in it for 10 minutes. confused, the man does what the doctor tells him. he cant believe it when he starts feeling better, so he goes back to the doctors office and asks the doctor why it worked. the doctor tells him he was just feeling homesick.

[tisosy11]

Ah yes - good to have the jokes coming in again! very funny!

[genegodawa]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a lake.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I go fishing on Fridays.'

[UdeLakeTom]

I like the homesick one...jokes are good for us.

[fishn4kids]

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings,

and I have even done it

myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one

is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your

e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking

for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and

dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They

only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

[fishn4kids]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack

Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You

know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window

right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could

throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten

people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one

hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred

people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes

and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I

could throw all three of them out of the window

and

make 156 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot !

[fishn4kids]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches

from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize

a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab........I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[fishn4kids]

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

'Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.''That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a

very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

[Sandmannd]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car radio's around the country:

1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'

3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

7. 'Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'

8. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey [PoorWordUsage].'

11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC..'

13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here..'

[fishn4kids]

How's this for a

gunshot survivor...

Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego ,

was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby

supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed

her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes

closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One

customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and

walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now

open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was

okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the

head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man

called the paramedics, who broke into the car

because the doors

were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her

head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a

wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit

canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that

sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of

her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she

felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed

out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat,

and an Obama supporter, but that could be

irrelevant.

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Now that there is funny, I don't care who you are!

Windy

[ocf1]

Thats is a good one right there.

Thanks for the laugh

[Fish Toys]

Inga and Edna were in church one Sunday and it was a very long sermon. Edna whispered to Inga that the hard wood pews made her butt fall asleep. Inga whispered back that she knew that because she heard it snore 3 times.

[tisosy11]

Ahha - classic pew joke.

[Sandmannd]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.,

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

********************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********************************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[fishn4kids]

That's to funny. My mom in law just sent me those same ones and I was going to post them today. You beat me to it.

Duane

[CALVINIST]

An atheist was out hiking in the mountains enjoying nature when suddenly he heard some rustling behind him. So he turns around and sees this huge grizzly bear charging after him.

In fear for his life he takes off running. So he's running like crazy and then trips on a rock and falls flat on his face. He turns around only to see that grizzly ready to pounce on him when he cries out, "God help me!!!"

Suddenly a light shines on the atheist as the bear is frozen in motion, and a voice from the clouds says, "You have ignored Me your whole life, and now you plea for My help?". To which the atheist answers, "I'm not asking that you make me a Christian, but maybe you could make the bear one?? To which God replies, "Granted".

Well, the light goes away and the bear starts moving, slowly putting his paws together he says, "Heavenly Father, I thank you for the food for which I am about to receive..."

[ocf1]

lol, thanks for the laugh

[TNFL]

THE WEDDING TEST

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over

a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes

bra less. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling .

I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's

all alone when I arrive and whisper she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome.

She tells me she wants me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says,"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom.

If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hard body climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and

head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, "We are very happy that you have passed

our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[BobT]

Sven and Lena were going through a divorce.

Sven was standing before the judge and the judge says, "Sven, I'm afraid I have to award Lena $1,000.00 per month alimony."

Sven looks at the judge and says, "Well, that's mighty noble of you, Your Honor. I'll do my best to kick in a little too once in a while when I can."

Bob