Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Rebel9921]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith....He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[Rebel9921]

U Can Tell When u're A Redneck Jedi When.....

1. You use the force to cheat @ fishing, bowling & long distance spitting.

2. More than half the droids you own don't function

3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your IQ

4. You wonder why Luke & Leia didn't get married

5. You use the carbon freezing chamber to store the 78 wampas that you shot on holiday in Hoth

6. You don't like wearing a jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket

7. Sand people back down from your mamma

8. You've used Jedi Mind control to talk your way out of being breathalyzed

9. You've strangled people w/ the force because they "weren't from round these parts"

10. You built your outhouse over the sar-laac

11. You argued w/ a jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid

12. A wookie told you that you needed to shave

13. You've wrecked a number of land speeders while trying to light a cigarette w/ your lightsaber

14. You don't think Ewoks are primitive

15. You've gone AT-AT tipping

16. Jabbas guards think you have personal hygiene problems

17. You think your lightsaber is the ultimate bug zapper

18. The Rancor refused to eat you until you had a bath

19. You discovered that your greatest enemy is in fact your father who also happens to be your brother & uncle.

[Rebel9921]

I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[Rebel9921]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Rebel9921]

Redneck Driver's License Application

Pleeze compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ______________________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob

[_] Billy-Joe

[_] Billy-Ray

[_] Billy-Sue

[_] Billy-Mae

[_] Billy-Jack

[_] Badd-Teddy Bob

[_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Bobby-Beth

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer

[_] Hair Dresser

[_] Un-employed

[_] Mechanic

[_] Waitress

[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: ______________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: _______________________________

2nd Lover's Name: ___________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister

[_] Brother

[_] Mother

[_] Father

[_] Cousin

[_] Aunt

[_] Uncle

[_] Son

[_] Daughter

[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________(Relation__________)

Father's Name: _______________________(Relation__________)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin' ______

If over 10, are you are still slow lerrnin? [_] Yes [_] No

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ shed

____ kitchen

____ bathroom/outhouse

____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer

[_] TV Guide

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

[_] The Globe

[_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

___ Do you hunt Bear? If so, please do not explain

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth?___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow

[_] Brown

[_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

Distance between mobile home and Bubba's House of Beer?

How many times has you received a DWI this year?____

[Rebel9921]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says

.

.

.

.

.

"Grandpa,...... Go home, you're drunk."

[Harmonica Bear]

A Surgical Approach

The first surgeon, from New York says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".

The third surgeon, from Dallas says "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over".

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.

[Rebel9921]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman , 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check '.

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he d iscovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, how ever, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

[Fish Toys]

Remus Rodham...Beware of anything that Hillary says!

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, he was convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!-------------------GET READY for the 2008 convention!!!!

I know it isn't true but it is funny!

[Pyrex]

I was watching the 10:00 news with my blonde friend when there was this guy on top of a building, I turned to my blonde friend and said "20 bucks says he jumps" she said I'll take that bet. Sure enough the guy jumps, I laughed and said "I saw the same report on the 6:00 news". She said "So did I but I didn't think he would do it again!!"

[Fish Toys]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third -whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up;

Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey" 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[UdeLakeTom]

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.. 17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with youonce in a while. 16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing. 15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don'thave to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous. 14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished withlong ago 13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger. 12 - When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guiltyabout imagining the two of you Fishing together. 11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't objectif you Fish with someone else. 10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish byyourself. 9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they arereally an undercover cop. 8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buyFishing stuff. 7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tellFishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting suedfor harassment. 6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases. 5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have tosubscribe to the Playboy channel. 4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of yourlife. 3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interestin it. 2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoyyour favorite activity. 1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished lastweek! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[IFallsRon]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of [PoorWordUsage] with the others?"

"Oh those . ." Satan groaned. "They're all from Minnesota. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

[MuleShack]

Climbing the Tree

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bu11sh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Matt C]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

[Sandmannd]

That's good, never heard that before.

[tisosy11]

AHhah! like it.

[Central Bassman]

That's funny!!

[Sandmannd]

Potato

Hope you enjoy it!

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she we n t off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frit o Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

*

*

OK! Here it is!

*

*

*

*

A COMMONTATER

[fishn4kids]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city

one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

>

> A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'

>

> 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

>

> '

> Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this

evening.'

>

> 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

>

> 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across

his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

>

> 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone

deaf.'

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

What did the boy birdie say to the girl birdie???

I have chirpies, but it is tweatable!

Windy

[tunrevir]

A bank robber goes in and holds up a bank. As he takes the loot, he looks at the first teller and asks, "Did you see my face?" The teller replies, "Yes, I did." The bank robber responds by shooting him between the eyes. The robber goes to the next teller and asks the same question with the same results. The robber turns to leave the bank and sees a couple standing behind him. He asks the man, "Did you see my face?" The man responds, "No but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

Tunrevir~

[fishn4kids]

A tour bus

driver is driving with a bus load of seniors

down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by

a little old

lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,

which he

gratefully munches up.

After about 15

minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she

hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this

gesture about five more times.

When she is

about to hand him another batch again he

asks the little

old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts

yourself?

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth',

she replied.

The puzzled

driver asks,

'Why do you buy

them then?'

The old lady

replied,?

'We just love

the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be

careful around old people.

[fishn4kids]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns

to the other and says, 'Dam!'