Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Gordie]

Ole Donates Blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Abbott-Northwestern Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a New London , Minnesota Norwegian was located who had the right blood type. The Norwegian, whose name was Ole, willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent Ole, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a pile of diamonds & several million U.S. dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Ole who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent Ole a thank-you card and five pounds of lutefisk.

Ole was shocked that time the Arab did not reciprocate with a new car, diamonds, and money.

He phoned the Arab & said: "I thought dat you vould be yenerous again, and dat you vould give me anudder BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a tank-you card & some lutefisk."

To this the Arab replied: "Ya, but now I haf Norvegian blood in my veins so I gotta tink tvice before I spend

[Dutch55406]

A State Trooper stopped a 95 year old woman. As he was checking her drivers license, he noticed that she held a concealed carry permit. He asked her, "Got any guns with you today, Ma'am?" She answered, "Yes, Sir. I have a 45 Smith & Wesson in the glove compartment, a 357 Magnum in the console and a 38-Special in my purse." Shaking his head, the trooper said, "Lady, what are you scared of?" She replied....NOT A dam THING!!

[deerminator]

Have you ever noticed that geese always fly in a "V" formation and that one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is? Because that side has more geese in it!

My co-worker, who works in Boston, and is a transplant from Faribault tells her East Coast cohorts that one and they just roll their eyes. I think its funny, tell you what!

[Gordie]

Have you ever noticed that geese always fly in a "V" formation and that one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is? Because that side has more geese in it!

My co-worker, who works in Boston, and is a transplant from Faribault tells her East Coast cohorts that one and they just roll their eyes. I think its funny, tell you what!

Ive told this joke for several years in the duck blind to the new-bies

and I get the same eye roll

[Gordie]

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans

and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out

where

he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on

the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting

him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We

brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[littlebear]

A man is returning home early from a business trip, and suspects his wife is having an affair. He asks the cab driver if he will be a witness to what he thinks he will find, and offers him $100, to which he agrees.

Upon arrival, the man and cabbie enter the bedroom, he rips the covers from the bed, where upon he finds another man with his wife, both nude. She then tells him that she had lied to him, and did not inherit a bunch of money. She tells her husband this other man had paid for their new porsche, vacation home, boat, trip overseas and other expensive items.

Shocked, the man turns to the cabbie and says "what should I do".

The cabbie says "if it were me, I'd cover him up so he doesn't catch a cold"

[littlebear]

A police officer is running radar on a bridge overlooking a freeway. He clocks a car at an excessive rate of speed. The officer chases the car down, and asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver, states he is a doctor, and is on the way to an emergency. The cop asks what kind of doctor he is. The driver says "an A-hole stretcher". The cop says asks him how that works. The driver says "first you start with one finger, then two, until you have a 6 foot A-hole. The cop says "what do you do with a 6 foot A-hole" to which the doctor says "stick him on a bridge with a radar gun"

[efgh]

Ole went to a meeting at a church in the big city for older married couples. When the pastor asked if anyone who is married for forty years would like to give the rest of the people advice on staying married for the long haul, Ole raised his hand. This is what he said, I always treated my wife like a queen, for our 10th anv. I took her out to eat, bought her flowers and had music played during our meal. For our 20th. anv. I chartered a plane and took her and myself to Swedian. For our 50th. anv. I am going to Swedian to get her.

[tcwin]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[reinhard1]

good one . good luck.

[IamZombie]

Blonde decides she needs a new hobby, so she takes up ice fishing. She gets the gear, and heads out on her first excursion.

So, she's out on the ice, picks a good spot and starts drilling a hole when a BOOMING voice from out of nowhere says... "There are no fish under the ice!"

Well, this certainly rattles her, but she spent the money, she's gonna catch a fish.

So she moves to a different spot and starts drilling a hole when again the BOOMING voice returns... "There are no fish under the ice!"

Well it happens a third, fourth time, and finally she throws up her arms, stares into the sky, and says "God? Is that you?"

And the voice replies, "No! I'm the manager of the hockey rink."

[Double D]

I know where I heard that one before - Page 1, joke 1 of this thread!!

We have now come full circle.

DD

[lovebigbluegills]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana , and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale . He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security: Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

[tcwin]

I didn't check this out on Snopes but I'm sure that it must be true

The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St.Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep.

Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse".

Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

The End.

[efgh]

Two old men were sitting in a bar, one says to the other, I shot my first turkey yesterday, it scared the hell out of everyone. I was in the frozen food section at cubs.

[lovebigbluegills]

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" and the husband responds "oh, I used to play football with him."

Inside, the bartender says, "The usual Jim?" Jim says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."

Next a stripper says, "Hi Jim!! Do you crave the special again?"

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi... The taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy!!! You sure picked up an ugly one this time!!!

Jim's funeral will be on Sunday

[lovebigbluegills]

A husband and wife are driving home and run over an otter. They get out and find it's still breathing, but it's freezing cold and shivering.

The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up." The wife replies, "But it's all wet and it stinks!!!!

The husband says, "Well, hold its nose then."

[Gordie]

According to a news report, a certain private

> school in Washington

> was recently faced with a unique problem. A number

> of 12-year-old girls

> were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on

> in the bathroom.

> That was

> fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they

> would press their

> lips to

> the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

>

> Every night the maintenance man would remove them,

> and the next day

> the girls would put them back.

>

> Finally the principal decided that something had to

> be done. She

> called all the girls to the bathroom and met them

> there with the

> maintenance

> man. She explained that all these lip prints were

> causing a major

> problem

> for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors

> every night (you can just

> imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

>

> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean

> the mirrors, she

> asked the maintenance man to show the girls how

> much effort was

> required.

>

> He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in

> the toilet, and

> cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have

> been no lip prints on

> the mirror.

>

> There are teachers ... and then there are educators

>

[3pronghook]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.”

[efgh]

Grandpa was telling his grand kids how things were back when he was 12 years old. He said his ma would give him a dollar to go to the store to get some groceries, he would come home with 2 loves of bread, 6 apples, a dozen eggs, a slab of bacon,2 lbs of coffee and 1o lbs of sugar. He said you can:t do that any more, they have those dam cameras all over the store now.

[RangeFishing]

Cleanest dirty joke EVER:

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid.

[tcwin]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[ds]

There was an old Itallian that was turning 100 next week. A local reporter went to his house to do a story on him. The old man stated that he has been married 80 years and never had a fight with his wife in 80 years. The reporter asked how he was able to go 80 years without getting into a fight with his wife.

He said on his wedding day he was given a nice donkey and a wagon from his wifes father. After the wedding he and his wife were riding the new wagon home with the donkey pulling the wagaon. About a mile down the road the donkey started bucking and threw me off the wagon, I walked up to the donkey punched it in the face and said, "now Mr Donkey that's a once for you." I got back on the wagon and only got another mile down the road, the donkey threwe me from the wagon again. I got up punched the donkey in the faace and said "now Mr donkey that's a twice for you." I was getting close to home and that donkey threw me to the groud again, this time I got up took out my gun and shot that donkey. My new wife started yelling at me and started punching me teling me that I was a terrible person I just sat there calmly let her finish. I asked her if she was finished, she said she was, then I slapped her in the face and said "Now that's a once for you too". Ever since then my wife has never raised her voice to me.

[reinhard1]

so that's the secret, . good luck

[efgh]

People talking on cell phones in public make a lot of people mad. Ann was one 0f them, she had just sat down in a resturant booth when a man sat down behind her in the next booth. He called his wife, this is Eric, he was talking in a very loud voice,I am sorry I am a hour late honey but the meeting afer work lasted longer than any of us thought. He was still trying to explane fifteen minutes later he was still a half hour from getting home. Ann was getting madder by the minute, when she said in a very loud, Eric, hang up that dam phone and come back to bed.