Anybody know any clean jokes?

[UdeLakeTom]

Husband Down A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart... The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

[UdeLakeTom]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over , come forward , to the front at the altar , " the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line , and when it's his turn , the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher , I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear , and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes , the Preacher removes his hands , stands back and asks "Leroy , how is your hearing now?" Leroy says , "I don't know , Reverend , it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[upnorth]

Got this on in an email.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

======================

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and pa tient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).. Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent w hen Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patient s (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying th at my head is not up there?'

[Jim Almquist]

Welcome to the age of 50 and all the fun things that you get to do

[UdeLakeTom]

The good news is, I don't have to go back for another 10 years..I must be one of those, how do they say it...perfect ones!!!

[upnorth]

Welcome to the age of 50 and all the fun things that you get to do

Yeah everyone keeps telling me I should go in for one, just have not been able to talk myself into it yet There are some things that seem to be just wrong

[Jim Almquist]

What that old saying " A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" or something like that. When you do go through with it you will have to come back and reread the joke and it will become that much funnier.

[upnorth]

What that old saying " A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" or something like that. When you do go through with it you will have to come back and reread the joke and it will become that much funnier.

But it is where that ounce is going

[UdeLakeTom]

It sounds worse then it is...the prep is really the worst part. and the 24 hr fasting, I've had it done twice, had polyps removed the first time, and now like I said. I am good to go for another 10 years.

How the heck did this a become a clean joke??

[Jim Almquist]

But it is where that ounce is going

Its more like where is that gallon going

We have to get this thread back on track

[fish-n-fool]

THE COWBOY

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a group of bikers, who were threatening a tree hugging protester.

I directed them to leave him alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago....'

[Gordie]

NO I dont. wait heres one. Nope that one wont work either.

Ok heres one

You remember the bible where the sinner was going to be stoned and Jesus stood out front of the crowd that was going to stone the sinner and said Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone just then a big stone flew over Jesus's head and hits the sinner and Jesus turns and looks over the crowd says MOM you gotta knock this off.

Cleanest one I got.

[fish-n-fool]

GOLF PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirtup and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the

sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself

some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta

be able ta affarrd any..'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[fish-n-fool]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He

advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them

staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a

lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let

them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing

in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, Please raise

your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[fish-n-fool]

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

(a good find for many retirees)

I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

ULT, I don't think this would be a good position for you either..

[machohorn]

Santa was getting ready for his anual trip. He went out to the sleigh only to find that no one put it away last year. After some grumbling he started to load it, stepped up and went through the floor. He rushed off to the elves house, Walked in and found them all drunk and passed out, After hollering and getting no response he decided to let them sleep then raise kane the next morning. He proceded to the Reindeer stable. Upon ariving he noticed that 3 were pregnant and could not make the trip this year and 2 others had broke out of the fence and were missing. Now old Santa was a little peed off, Mached straight to the house to get some hot food, noticed a note from the mrs. "Dear, scrounge what you can to eat, I will get some groceries in 2 weeks after the holidays, went to visit my sister Love Mrs. Claus" By now he was steaming. Walked to his little stash for that bottle of 25 Y.O. scotch turned and slipped, bottle flew out and shattered all over. Just then there was a knock on the front door, he stomped his way there opened the door and there was this little girl. Santa says "What the %**^& do you want? The little girl said look at the nice tree I brought you, where do you want me to put it? And now you know why the little angle sits atop the x-mas tree!

[Gordie]

Sven and Ole were going to head out for a days fishing when Lena asked if she could go along.

Ole repiled: every time you come with us Lena we have to cut our trip short because you need to use a bath room.

Lena said that this time would be different.

With regrets Ole and Sven let Lena come with.

After a couple hours fishing Lena was starting to get that look like I gotta go. so she tells Ole that I gotta go p and would you take me home to go and Ole said Lena we just got to this spot on the river tell you what Sven is fishing on that side of the river bridge and I'm on this side of the bridge so we will make sure no one comes along while you doing your buisness, so you just prop your butt over the bridge and go p.

Well Lena didnt wanna do it but Ole said we aint goin home so Lena did what the guys said as she was doing her buisness she looked over the side and screamed and said Ole, Ole I'm Peeing on a canoe

Sven replied: No Lena thats not a canoe thats just your reflection.

[fish-n-fool]

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about football, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still

happy you voted for Obama?"

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Now that right there is funny Fool, I don't care who you are!

As for the MoviPrep, my mother had the same experience but her product that she was given to drink was called Go Lightly, she could not for the life of her figure out how somebody could have named this product with straight face!

[walleyeRyummy]

a pirate who has a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper walks into a bar.

he says to the bartender "can i get a drink?"

she says "sure, but do you know you gotta sterring wheel hangin outta your zipper?"

he says "arrrrr, and and its drivin' me nuts!"

[walleyeRyummy]

do you know why a mushroom likes to party?

because he is a fungi.

[fish-n-fool]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"

[Raider4ever]

I don't know if this one has already been around (and I'm not going back to read 65 pages to find out):

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender pours him his drink. The Neutron asks the bartender how much the drink cost and the bartender says, "For you, there is no charge."

Best joke I ever heard in a Chemistry class.

[fish-n-fool]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now...... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[fishuhalik]

holy cr@p I can't stop laughing!!!! make it stop!