Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fishn4kids]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they

name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends apicture of

himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the

picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she

also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

'They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal

[fishn4kids]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12

>

> A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

>

> They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.

>

> 'What are these, Dad?

>

> To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called

>

> Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex'.

>

> 'Oh I see,' replied the boy.

>

> 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School'

>

> He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

>

> 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

>

> The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys,

>

> One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

>

> 'Cool' says the boy.

>

> He notices a 6 pack and asks,'Then who are these for?'

>

> 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers,

>

> 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

>

> 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks,

>

> Picking up a 12 pack.

>

> With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

>

> 'Those are for married men.

>

> One for January, one for February, one for March.......'

[Kyle Sandberg]

Ole and Sven decide to take sky diving lessons. On the ground, the instucter goes through all the preliminary stuff, packing you chute blah blah. He then explains when you jump out of the plane, count to three and pull the cord. Simple as that. Sven, being a little nervous, then asks what do you do if your chute doesn't deploy? Oh, just pull the second cord.

5000 feet later, the insturcter is telling Ole to jump. "GO, GO, GO!" Ole jumps out of the plane and counts, "One, two, three", and is emensilly relieved the chute opened. Then it was Svens turn. He jumped out, counted to three, and pulled the cord. Nothing happened. So he pulled the emergency cord. Still nothing happened. He went plummeting past Ole striaght towards the ground. Ole saw this happening and said, "Oh, you want to race, huh?" and threw off his chute and went racing down.

[fishn4kids]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask.

'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,

'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse,

please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says,

'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

[Grant]

 Originally Posted By: Sandmannd

A COMMONTATER

*groan*

[Farley]

THE SENATOR

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in [PoorWordUsage] and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to [PoorWordUsage]. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in [PoorWordUsage] and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in [PoorWordUsage]."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to [PoorWordUsage].

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted."

[Sandmannd]

Awesome, ain't that the truth.

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Not sure if this was the thread that had all the Chuck Norris stuff but here is everything you always wanted to know and most of what you didn't! about Chuck, enjoy:

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his [PoorWordUsage] kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage

[fishn4kids]

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the [PoorWordUsage] is this??' he said to himself as a little'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

[The_Lee]

I heard this one from one of my Albanian interpreters..

There is a sergeant and a lieutenant standing at the front gate of Camp Bondsteel (here in Kosovo) watching a young boy playing with a pile a [PoorWordUsage]. After a few minutes the two get curious and decide to find out why this child is playing with a pile of [PoorWordUsage].

The sergeant and lieutenant walk outside the gate and up to the child when the sergeant says, "What are you doing with that pile of [PoorWordUsage]?"

"I am making a Sergeant.", replies the young boy.

The sergeant gets all flustered and yells, "Why are you making a sergeant out of [PoorWordUsage]?"

The boy smiles and replies "Because I don't have enough [PoorWordUsage] to make an officer."

[The_Lee]

The blocked words are supposed to say "cr ap"... just delete the space.

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Or you can go with carp, since this is a fishing thread! LOL

Windy

[fishn4kids]

TAX REBATE -----

> =====================================

> President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax

> rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to

> a$600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

> =====================================

> Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart,

> all the money will go to China, if we spend it on

> computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.

> =====================================

> If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs .... and none

> of these scenarios will help the American economy.

> =====================================

> We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to

> keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on

> prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses

> still left in the U.S.

[fishn4kids]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

[fishn4kids]

A

5-Minute Management Course

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up

her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife

quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the

door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,

Bob

says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

:DAfter thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands

naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,

Bob hands her $800

and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and

goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she

replies.

'Great,' the

husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[CPRJoe]

Why was Tiggr looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

[fishn4kids]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

[fishn4kids]

Bet none of you knew this!!!

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

[Grant Pearson]

that's funny

[UdeLakeTom]

Hey that is my wedding anniversary...Don't make fun of it. Only I can, and where else would a whole nationality celebrate with me. Other than all those originals that get married on Feb 14th.

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

dude,

My mom got remarried about 6 years ago after my dad died and their anniversary is Cinco De Mayo as well.

Windy

[Bandit]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when

Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he

asked Ole for a light.

Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied. Then

reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic

lighter 10 inches long..

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic

Lighter in his hands.

'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box,' says

Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the

Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good

friend of your master.

Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving

Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound

of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.

'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a

million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie

is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a

10-inch Bic?'

[efgh]

This older couple were discussing what they would do if the other one died. The women said, if you die I would try too find 3 younger widowed or single women to live with. I would do this because I m so active and like to do fun things, what would you do? the man said I would do the same thing.

[fishn4kids]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,

that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo

? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an one-who-thinks-I-am-silly.

[fishnhuntnboy]

thats a good one fishn4kids