Anybody know any clean jokes?

[reinhard1]

what was the best thing that came from the cash for clunkers program? answer- the program got rid of 95% of obama bumper stickers. good luck.

[tcwin]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[Born2Fish]

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

[tcwin]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So I just switched the heads.'

[lip_ripper]

MURDER

AT WALMART

Tired of constantly

being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided

to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife

with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'

put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the

name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for

snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The

husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't

have anycash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie

insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened

his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside..

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the

dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Martstore. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded

to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman

drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce

department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to

leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manage as well.

However,unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the

hidden securitycameras & observed by the store's security guard, who

immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense

questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,

including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1..00 @ WAL-MART!'

[tcwin]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate

that her name is Patricia

Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get

a $30,000 loan to take a

holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in

disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is

Kermit Jagger, his dad is

Mick Jagger, and that it's

okay, he knows the bank

manager.

Patty explains that he will

need to secure the loan with

some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have

this," and produces a tiny

porcelain elephant, about an

inch tall, bright pink and

perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains

that she'll have to consult

with the bank manager and

disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and

says, "There's a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who

claims to know you and wants

to borrow $30,000, and he

wants to use this as

collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink

elephant. "I mean, what in

the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back

at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty

Whack. Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling

Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?

Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I

know you did!

[tcwin]

A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'

The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'

The blonde replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

[tcwin]

Stopped for speeding

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[tcwin]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[bogman]

US Army Airborne

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

" U.S. Army: Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

" U.S. Air Force: Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.

"USMC: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Army Ranger: Death Smiles At Everyone, We Smile Back"

"Army Sniper: You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"USMC: Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"US Army: It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"US Army: Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support"

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world.

But the U.S. ARMED FORCES don't have that problem." ...Ronald Reagan

[bogman]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said......,

(you are going to love this…..

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[fish-n-fool]

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex , darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex . It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you

[bogman]

Three men were discussing ageing at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy you can't even [PoorWordUsage] anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" Asked the 70 year old.

"No, I [PoorWordUsage] every morning at 6:30." replied the 80 year old.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said: "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and [PoorWordUsage] every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00." said the 80 year old!

[bogman]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from

rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it

for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger

was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.

What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description

for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your

idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole

aisle of this [PoorWordUsage] at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery

taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want

flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your

flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a

redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top

is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,

his [PoorWordUsage] will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just

solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

[badWordUsage]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One

NutraSweet, oh, you're a huge [badWordUsage].

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the

kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my

Mars bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your [PoorWordUsage].

And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did

anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive

Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just

too darned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,

they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for

M&Ms, I'll go nuts and buy two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy

old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

remember the reason something was a television show in the first place

is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just

had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be

there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your

webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27

months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that

pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or

tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future

around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[bogman]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this) The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a

police dog.

[bogman]

found on hsolist

For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model

Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT

Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a

failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work--T**s are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..

Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model. __________________

[bogman]

Ole's tractor

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Ole?" says Sven.

"Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Ole. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

[reinhard1]

good one. good luck.

[tunrevir]

What's the most commom bra size in a nursing home? 36 LONG.

Tunrevir~

[tcwin]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[merkman]

Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hello, I really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,

then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard motor mounting bracket...I though to myself, Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

[tcwin]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[tcwin]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the [PoorWordUsage] out of a ghost."

[tcwin]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."