Anybody know any clean jokes?

[UdeLakeTom]

> Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an

> upcoming

> fishing

> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he

> couldn't go

> this time

> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of

> teasing and

> name

> calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

>

> The following week when

> Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up

> camp, they were shocked to see

> Dave. He was already sitting at the

> campground with a cold beer, swag

> rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a

> camp fire glowing.

>

> "How did you

> talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

>

> "I didn't have to," Dave

> replied.

>

> "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and

> slumped down

> in my

> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'

> lady snuck up

> behind

> me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

>

> "When I peeled

> her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see

> through negligee and

> she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to

> the bed and you can do

> whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

>

[IFallsRon]

Read on a can cooler:

If a man says something in the woods, and his wife is not around, is he still wrong?

[UdeLakeTom]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came

running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly

but I thought, 'what the heck' and I starting

Jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily

from all the jumping up and down, told me

that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying

for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't

be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean there's more."

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.

We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,

I asked her how she knew. She said....

(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club

and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a

TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[glenn57]

SIC!!!!

[fish-n-fool]

[Sandmannd]

That was awesome!!

[UdeLakeTom]

Ear Infection

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the

desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my pecker."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could

embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several

minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't [PoorWordUsage] out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

[UdeLakeTom]

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex , darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex . It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you

[Jakesbuds]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured

alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She

seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[fish-n-fool]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The ideot makes his own lunch.'

[fish-n-fool]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Claire", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

How did they know that the teacher on shuttle challenger had blue eyes?

One blew this way and one blew that way!

Hopefully that ones clean enough

[UdeLakeTom]

There was this Goat..... Two Kentucky rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge sink hole in the ground. Theyapproached it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, 'at's some sink hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the sink hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turnaround they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the sink hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the sink hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Didn't happen to see my goat round here, did ya?" The first hunter says " We sure nuff did. We was justa standin here a minute ago and yer goat come running out of them bushes over yonder doin' bout a hunert miles an hour and he jumped headfirst into this here sink hole!" And the old farmer said,"That ain't possible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

There was this Goat..... Two Kentucky rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge sink hole in the ground. Theyapproached it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, 'at's some sink hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the sink hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turnaround they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the sink hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the sink hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Didn't happen to see my goat round here, did ya?" The first hunter says " We sure nuff did. We was justa standin here a minute ago and yer goat come running out of them bushes over yonder doin' bout a hunert miles an hour and he jumped headfirst into this here sink hole!" And the old farmer said,"That ain't possible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

Were you having a family reunion or something

[UdeLakeTom]

Definition of old....

In an effort to surprise my wife on our 50th anniversary, I told her I was having an affair.

She responded...."are you having it catered?".

[fish-n-fool]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/Kentucky State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Roanoke to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy, from West "By God" virginia , got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, " You might as well take my a$$ to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test!!"

[fish-n-fool]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s Death

........ .. … … .. …..

.. . .. … . . . .. . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..

... ... .. ... ... ... .. .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .

.. . … .. . . . ..

... . .... ... .... .... ...

...... .... .... .... ..... ..... .... .. . . .... .....

. .. .

. . .. . .. . ...

....... ... ... ... .. ... ........ .. .. .... ... ... .... ....

. .. .. .

.. ....

.. . . . . . .. .. … ..

.. .... ... ... ... ...... ...... .....

Deep stuff, I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

[SunneyeDay]

Man, I cannot read that to save my life...

Does anyone speak Braille?

[pinkfloyd4ever]

good one FnF

[FishNovice101]

Also read on a can cooler:

I still miss my ex....

But my aim is improving.

[Jakesbuds]

LOL. This is funny I dont care who you are!!

[fish-n-fool]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed .

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

I think this was ULT...or Glenn

[glenn57]

we arent that old................yet. but union guys do think like that!

[fish-n-fool]

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex , darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex . It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you

[UdeLakeTom]

Hey...I posted that one last week.