Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fish-n-fool]

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."

[fish-n-fool]

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; "how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee???

(Couldn't be a blonde.....)

[fish-n-fool]

One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case.

The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why!" The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand."

The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand!" But the supervisor insisted.

So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See. That's why I'm smarter than you."

The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?" The worker replied, "Let's put it this way..." then he paused.

He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here." So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand."

[Raider4ever]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the Bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

The Bartender replies "No"

Next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the Bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

The Bartender replies "No, we don't have any grapes."

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the Bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

The Bartender says, "Look, I told you yesterday and the day before, we don't have

any grapes. If you ever come back here and ask for grapes again, I am going to

nail your beak to the bar."

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the Bartender, "Ya got any nails?"

The exasperated bartender says, "No! We don't have any nails."

The duck replies, "Great!! Got any grapes?"

My daughter came home from 2nd grade with this one. The joke itself isn't all that hot, but when she told it, she hit it perfectly. I was amazed at her timing.

Honest to God, Carlin couldn't of told it better. She graduates from HS Wednesday and this still rates as one of my best memories. Yes, she's my daughter, but I can be very picky about comedy and she TAGGED this joke!!

[slimy]

What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand? "QUATRO-SINKO"

[UdeLakeTom]

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian LutheranChurch and Pastor Sven is the minister of the SwedishCovenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, thatsaid: DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORIT'S TOO LATE! As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his windowand yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religiousnuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a bigsplash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Don't ya tink maybeda sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out'

[fish-n-fool]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[fish-n-fool]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[fish-n-fool]

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[fish-n-fool]

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

[fish-n-fool]

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into

the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

missed the first paragraph on the last post

[fish-n-fool]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

[UdeLakeTom]

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his fatherif they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would makea deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about thecar." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for theoffer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observedthat you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed youdidn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've beenthinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible thatSamson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and Moses had longhair. And there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walkedeverywhere they went?"

[koonie]

That's awesome!

[fish-n-fool]

Dear Diary

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellooooo..... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME the last year... namely, that in ONE YEAR these windoes would pay for themselves!!

Hellooo? It's been a year (I told him)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back

Guess I won that stupid argument.

[fish-n-fool]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mon, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

[fish-n-fool]

An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks plastic."

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

[fish-n-fool]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100......then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard efore, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Mid-Lake Rock]

Why doesn't Barak Obama pray?

Can't read the teleprompter with his eyes closed.

[pinkfloyd4ever]

Guy goes to the doctor for a sore shoulder. Doctor does full examination can't find anything wrong. Gives him a specimen cup and tells the guy "go home, get a urine sample and bring it back to me tomorrow."

On the way home guy is thinking 'why would this doctor want a urine sample for a sore shoulder?' He decides he is going to mess with the doctor.

Guy gets home tells his wife and kid what happened and tells both of them to go to the bathroom and put a little in the cup. They do. The guy goes out to his truck, drains a little oil and adds it to the cup. To top it off, the guy goes in the backroom and does a little tuggin and adds that.

The next day he returns with his specimen for the doctor. Doctor greets him and looks puzzled at the sample and tells the man to wait in his office while the lab runs its tests.

Doctor comes back in 30 minutes "Boy have i got some bad news for you, your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your truck needs an oil change and if you don't stop tuggin you'll never get rid of that sore shoulder."

[pinkfloyd4ever]

Guy gets a promotion and big bonus at his work. He thinks and thinks what he could get himself with his bonus. Finally he decides, he's been wanting some hand made expensive leather boots his whole life.

Buys the most expensive top of the line boots he can find.

Next morning gets up puts on his brand new boots hops in his car and off to work. On his way he gets into an accident.

3 days later he wakes up his doctor is standing over him, "Sir, i have good news and I have bad news for you."

Guy asks what's the bad news? Doctor says "your injuries from the accident were horrible, I did everything I could but I had to amputate both of your legs."

The guy sobs and sobs then finally gets himself together "Doctor, this is awful how could there possibly be any good news that comes out of this?"

The Doctor says "the anasthesiologist wants to buy your boots."

[fish-n-fool]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' fishin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[fish-n-fool]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air , swung at it , and missed. "Strike One," he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

[LwnmwnMan2]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air , swung at it , and missed. "Strike One," he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

So you're doing Kenny Rogers songs now??

[fish-n-fool]

Didn't know it was a song.. Got the joke on an email a while back..