Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fish-n-fool]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[fish-n-fool]

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor . . . Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?"

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

[sptitz]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.

[fish-n-fool]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the h usband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

.

.

.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[fish-n-fool]

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him ? "

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse ? "

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain ? "

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

[fish-n-fool]

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

[fish-n-fool]

Ole, had a car accident.

In court,the trucking company's lawyer was

questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer."

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted.

Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of

the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I

was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge,

I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of

the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman

on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he

is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's

answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas

saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into

da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis

huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked

my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real

bad and didn't vant to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I

knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway

Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning

and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and

shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"

[fish-n-fool]

You Might Be a Redneck if…

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.

You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

[upnorth]

An Arkansas Sheriff stops at a farm in rural AR and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.'The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, Mister, I have the authority of the

Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. See this badge? This badge means I am

allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!

[Ryan_V]

not sure if this one has been said yet...

they always said we'd have a black president when pigs fly...well low and behold, 100 days after Obama takes office...swine flu!!!

[pinkfloyd4ever]

Funny one F n F.

[fish-n-fool]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East '. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for... a good man.'

The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, 'Let me see the f*cking map again

[fish-n-fool]

The new rifle

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and

he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, That was a very bad

mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give

you two choices.

Either I maul you to death or I have my way with you.

After considering briefly, Frank

decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank

soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he

found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his

shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right

next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.

That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: either

I maul you to death or I have my way with you really rough. '

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate

with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.

So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months

before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed

back to Alaska and managed to track down the

grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later,

there was a tap on is

shoulder. He turned around to find a giant

polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,

'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the

hunting, do you?'

[fish-n-fool]

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a

Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on

the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting woman

walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the

way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said

pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are

they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long

enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The

oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're

twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept

with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for

shopping at Wal-Mart..'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't

cut out for this line of work.

[UdeLakeTom]

The talking dog: A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the dog replies .After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I wanted to help America, so I interviewed with the the CIA. In no time at all they had me traveling around the world and hanging out with spies and world leaders. After all, no one figured a dog could eavesdrop. I proved to be one of their most valuable spies for a decade. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I got married and had a mess of puppies. Now I'm just retired. "The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks," the guy says. "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him for just ten dollars?" "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff!"

[fish-n-fool]

A BOY'S CONFESSION:

This could only happen with a little kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

' Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire

that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

[fish-n-fool]

Skinny Dipping ....

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Why do I think of Tom, Glenn & Gary in this joke somewhere????

[Born2Fish]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[fish-n-fool]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

[UdeLakeTom]

Of course...we are all fast thinkers!

[fish-n-fool]

Thought you were one of them....

[Cooter]

Did you hear about the Norwegian who broke his leg while golfing?...

He fell off the ball washer.

[Gary Crichton]

Wow ULT she has us down pat. Where is this pond again.

[fish-n-fool]

44° 47.0188' N 93° 3.3234' W

I think there may be a box fan there to cool you guys off, too..

[Gary Crichton]

We will for sure need the fan. It might warm up in a hurry, when they start coming out.