divorce

[Snowking]

so i get home from work last night and the wife says she wants a divorce. i ask her if she wants to work it out and she says no. so what is a guy to do ? know of any divorce lawyers in anoka county? there is a child involed , but shes 15 and i would assume she will beable to chose where she wants to live. thanks chad

[tomfromblaine]

Snowking sorry to hear that, you've gotten good info here and I'd follow up with lawdog for the referral.

Even though my decree states that my daughter would live with her mother thats not the case, she's 10 and lives with me by her choice because she's happy with me

(I guess I'm more fun, she likes to hunt and fish) I guess what I'm saying is provide an environment where she feels comfortable/safe has friends etc, and of course it goes without saying NEVER say anything bad about her mother in front of her.

As far as child support goes it's been a couple of years now where it's based off each parents income, hopefully she's working, the more she makes the better off you will be, if she's not working you will be looking at spousal support besides the child support.

Watch the credit cards/ checking accounts, anything purchased with your name attached in anyway you will be resposible for at least 1/2 up until the divorce is filed. Isolate yourself.

Ask your attorney about selling the house after your daughters 18th B-day, the market should have recovered some by then and each person could anny up a percentage for your daughters college tuition.

Also keep in mind all your retirement/401 what ever is up for grabs but so is hers.

The whole divorce is a process of neogotiating, it will be best financially for your wife and you to handle ALL of it on your own.(if you have to give "alittle" more than you want, just remember time is money and your the one spending it) before letting the attorney/'s get involved. When they become involved, First fax as many documents as possible, avoid multiple office visits and phone time, use your buddies for a sounding board thats what you have them for, lawyers don't care. "DO NOT" negotiate anything at the court house, attorney fee's are way more in that setting rather than their office, even if it means cancelling the court date. This part is very important, ONLY accept later(after lunch) afternoon court appearances, just say my work will not allow me unless I use vaca days, and here is why, you have the possibility for being stuck there the whole day and getting billed and losing work, I'd go 1 step further and say you only have a 2 hour window between 2-4 for any court appearances, the courts will make allowances besides who wants to go back to work all pi@$#%d off. Don't fall for the ol'e the next court date is months away deal/or it will make me look bad in the courts eyes, so what it's your divorce.

If at all possible try and use just 1 attorney and split the fee's, and know this, if your wife wants her own, no matter how amicable things are now I'd be willing to bet all my hunting and fishing gear including my boat that she will become somebody you would have never even wanted to meet/know.

I would ask your wife if she wants to use 1 attorney and split the costs, what she says next is important, keep in mind she didn't just wake up and want a divorce and she probably has already had a FREE consultation or 2, ask if she's thought about how to split things up,and be cool,that "the what are you f-'in nuts" won't bode well, you will at least have an idea where she's at with the whole deal.

I would go with law dogs referral for an attorney, or somebody that lives closer to the court house(travel time billing), don't waste your time or energy or money, between my 3 times and numerous buddies and countless hours sitting in a court room I haven't really seen any difference between expensive ones and cheap ones other than their age/their suits or where they pay rent for their offices, they all pretty much have to play by the same rules.

This next statement is gonna generate as many opinions as there are you know what.

I personnally would file 1st, it all boils down to community incurred debt and the need to protect yourself from it and from what I've seen your not protected until the filing date. Divorce is never pretty and always confusing and painful but I hope this sheds alittle light on the path.

Tom

[dogs]

Let her leave the house first,a couple lawyers I know says it proves she does not need it or the family. Don't assume you have to leave, she wanted a different life let her go find it. I not saying start fighting now, but acts of kindeness can be turned against as if you don't care.

[Hoffer]

hate to say it but above posters are right regarding anoka county. Its well known as the worst - they side for the Mom in almosyt all cases.

I went through the same thing in 1999 and yes there was another guy. luckily I was in hennepin county and as bad as anok is - hennepin is much the opposite. they acually have some cutting edge ways of doing things to make sure time is divided ewually as well as child support stuff. "luckily" your daughter is 15 and the child support stuff wont last long.

word of adive = press for shared PHYSICAL custody - not just legal custody. Also, find a lawyer who specializes in shared physicial custody and who knows what the "Valento law" is etc...

maybe we are all putting the cart before the horse...hopefully it may not come to all this - but if it does - then thats just a little advice for what its worth.

Good luck

[zamboni]

One thing I don't think I have seen, and ANY lawyer will tell you- WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. With dates, times, etc. It will help in the long run

[BobT]

Knowledge is power. Writing things down with dates, time, description, witnesses, etc. can be invaluable knowledge.

[musky hunter]

Having been through the same situation I know how bad it makes you feel......but, all the other posts offered good advice. Since she is unreasonable you need an attorney. There is no inbetween on this so get the legal help you need and get it now. All your joint credit cards, open lines of credit, etc. should all be immediatly closed. Get a credit report to make sure she didn't open something that you do not know about but could be on the hook for. Do not let her have a route for easy money because she can go for the money and leave you holding the bag with no recourse. Live off current income and the both of you must downsize your standard of living, at least until the divorce if finalized. She will scream like hell when you do this but it is your right to close joint accounts. You must protect yourself otherwise you can be drained of all you remaining credit with no recourse. From someone who has gone through this you are not your normal self and can easily say things that will only work to your long term and unfair disadvantage.

But, long term, good things will again happen if you let them. My fishing rod was my best therapist and kept me focused on the more important parts of life. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[tomfromblaine]

Thanks Hoffer, I forgot about the physical custody deal that has to be non- neogotiable, I also forgot about attorney recommended mediators save your dough time and energy.

[Iowa_Josh]

Having been through the same situation I know how bad it makes you feel......but, all the other posts offered good advice. Since she is unreasonable you need an attorney. There is no inbetween on this so get the legal help you need and get it now. All your joint credit cards, open lines of credit, etc. should all be immediatly closed. Get a credit report to make sure she didn't open something that you do not know about but could be on the hook for. Do not let her have a route for easy money because she can go for the money and leave you holding the bag with no recourse. Live off current income and the both of you must downsize your standard of living, at least until the divorce if finalized. She will scream like hell when you do this but it is your right to close joint accounts. You must protect yourself otherwise you can be drained of all you remaining credit with no recourse. From someone who has gone through this you are not your normal self and can easily say things that will only work to your long term and unfair disadvantage.

But, long term, good things will again happen if you let them. My fishing rod was my best therapist and kept me focused on the more important parts of life. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Yeah I've seen a few divorces up close. Some just leave. Some quit payin the bills a few months previous for travelin expenses. I would think she could sell anything she has her name on? I'd redo the bank accounts and find the titles to the car and house deed and whatnot. One guy I used to work with had an ex that loaded up all of the guns he inherited from his dad and took them to the town bar and sold them for whatever she could get. Car too. Don't be that guy.

My parents have been married as many times as I have fingers, I'd offer this. Take a few years to hang out with your daughter because if and when you start over, you will have other things on your mind. I guarantee. J

[Brad B]

Snowking,

The thing about your 15 yr old choosing where she want to live is not totally right. I would recommend you read the minnesota statues (518 deals with divorce and children). In 518.17 there is 13 different things the court will consider when making the decision as to the best interest of the child, the judge will take into consideration the wishes of your daughter (#2 on the list of 13)but that alone will not be the determining factor. as for the child support side of this. child support in minnesota is calculated based on both you and you soon to be ex's incomes and the amount of parenting time awarded by the court. to keep the support to a minimum you need to seek as close to 50/50 parenting time(stay above the 45.1% mark). One other option if you and your ex would be civil with each other and agree to it you could both agree to reserve child support (meaning neither of you pays the other any child support). The only thing that could cause a problem if you both agree to reserve support is if she went out and got cash assistance from the county. they would then seek reimbursment from you for a portion of the money they give her(since she could claim that she uses some of the money for stuff for your daughter). I would also check out the minnesota department of health HSOforum, on there is a child support calculator(you just need to know the amounts to put in). this would get you a rough idea of what support would be. there is always that rare chance she could have to pay you child support. Like was said before get a good lawyer and expect to pay anywheres from $190(this is what my attorney is charging me for my case) to $250 per hour. When it is over you will have probably $10,000 plus into it. Spousal support is not normally awarded unless you have been married for 15+ years(this is what my attorney told me). ALSO DO NOT TOUCH THE BOTTLE it can and will be used against you. Last little advice Try to get your mind off it when you can, it helps you to think clearly. for me I would grab my catfish pole and head for the river. the peace and quiet helped me to clear my mind.

[Down Deep]

I've never gone through the big D , but I agree with the advice to document everything said from now on. There are lots of unknowns in your future so don't be in a big hurry to get things settled as soon as possible. She may even decide to try and save the marriage as this progresses. I have some experience with that. Divorce is a legal action, so get your own attorney just like you would in any legal matter where another party is involved. Remember that attorneys will litigate as long as you want them to and you will get billed accordingly. In my opinion the best thing you can do for the kid is be open about what is going on (less the gory details), don't bad mouth your spouse and reassure your child every chance you get.

One other piece of advice I have is don't get involved in another relationship until this one is finished and you have had time to live on your own for a while. Life goes on and if you don't let resentment rule your life you will land on your feet and probably have a happier life

[bucketmouth64]

One other piece of advice I have is don't get involved in another relationship until this one is finished and you have had time to live on your own for a while.