Anybody know any clean jokes?

[ladyluck]

Ewwwww! Now that DEFINTELY does't qualify as clean! hahahahaha

[BigWadeS]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Lo ng?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

The Lo cation Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lo se A Trailer

[ladyluck]

LMAO, Wade, those are pretty funny.

[cadaver]

ok ...my kid loves this one

How do you make a kleenex dance??

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*put a little boogie in it!!

[BigWadeS]

that's a good one too...especially after this morning my 2 year old daughter came up to me and (she has a little cold) says daddy, I said yes, I have boogies....

[BigWadeS]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegasand decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.?His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20" the madam replied.?

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[ladyluck]

The Ugly Duckling

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their

best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a

duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly

man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first

woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all

eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you

for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[ladyluck]

An old cowboy, aye? This was printed in a Texas newspaper :

The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

[BigWadeS]

ROFLMAO!!!!!

[BigWadeS]

This may be that gray area, but let's see....

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into

a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would

erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went

dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that

there is a statue of a naked man in there! Wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the

restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf onthe statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now....about that

[mechanictim]

This is from "Cheers" for anyone who occasionally likes a beer or two.

In an episode of "Cheers," Cliff Clavin the trivia-spouting, quirky, irksome mama's boy mailman is seated at the bar describing the buffalo theory to his buddy, Norm Peterson, the beer loving heavyweight bar stool sitting perpetual patron.

Cliff expounds his "Buffalo Theory" to Norm.

“Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

[mechanictim]

Before announcing her intention to run for president Hillary Clinton was quite surprised to hear just how many people had bought bumper stickers with "Run Hillary Run" on them. It wasn't till after her big announcment that she found out that both democrats and republicans werer both buying the stickers. The Democrats were puitting them in the traditional spot on the rear bumper of thier cars while the republicans were putting them on the front bumper.

[ladyluck]

I like Cliff's logic! That's the funniest explanation I've ever heard.

[ladyluck]

OMG I can't believe I missed the union joke! Way to go, ladies! whoohoo, let's unionize!

[ladyluck]

ok, having never been a Hooters restaurant, I gotta know... do they really have such a statue in the john??

[smg04]

what do u think fish smelled like before women started swimming?

[ladyluck]

Hmmmm i dunno. Been swimming since I was a baby. But here's a suggestion....toss a fish in yer bed for a week and let me know which scent you prefer.

[ladyluck]

Here's one just for you, hun...

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a

River, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the

Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water

And that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for

Their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden

Thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble

Ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" t he Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is

This you r thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three

Thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along

The riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared

Under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you

crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress .

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a

Misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you

Would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you

Would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes ,' you would

Have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and

Would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why

I said 'yes' to George Clooney

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good

And honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

[tunrevir]

Good one... but ouch, I must be sowing without my thimble again. Lord could you help me out here?

Tunrevir~

[ladyluck]

Well boys, I've spent too much time on the computer this week exploring this site, but it has been fun. I've learned just a ton about fishing and had a great time doing it. I've developed a whole new appreciation for fishing -- all the ins and outs, the comraderie, the intricasies of this sport.

Thanks much,

LL

[Whoaru99]

Sven and Oly are out fishing and it's kind of slow so the conversation gets a little personal. Oly says, "Sven, I've been thinking about divorcing Lena."

Of course, Sven is taken aback and says to Oly, "Oh my gosh Oly, not that it's any of my business, but what's the problem?"

Oly, not quite sure if he should say, finally breaks down and replies, "Well Sven, Lena has not spoken to me in 3 whole months."

Sven, a bit puzzled, says "Oly, are you sure you want to do that? Wives like that are hard to find."

[Stiff]

Subject: The love story of Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became ware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis situation by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness and courage.

The bad news is, unfortunately Jim hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "Oh, he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

[BigWadeS]

LMAO....that's a good one Stiff

[benelli_dude2002]

SO what does a new gun and a wife have in common?

Sooner or later you want to shoot them

Preacher told me that one

[Stiff]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place..... Smack his butt again!"