Anybody know any clean jokes?

[DARK30]

[IFallsRon]

Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip ho me , the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Lake Alice]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to

his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[DARK30]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California )

staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

_____________________________________________________________

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyer's mailed to you - Press 5

* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

Hang up and have a nice day!

*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran

------------- We won't tell.

[Bobby Bass]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed

instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, (Contact Us Please),

someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave

you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You

must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll

bet

you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

[ladyluck]

I've got one... but how do I post a pic?

[Stiff]

There is a set of instructions on the "photo sharing" page in the "Outdoor Activity" section. I struggled with it for a bit, but now it's very easy.

Tony

[ladyluck]

Thanks, Tony.... I hope this works!

Somewhere near Rochester, New York, Ed set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m. By 11:30 a.m., he was exhausted and hungry--and still no buck. At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards the remains of his lunch while a passerby snaps a quiet photo while trying not to startle the deer with a belly laugh . .

[ladyluck]

highway signs

[ladyluck]

one more for the road....

At the last annual AMA conference, five surgeons were overheard discussing their favorite type of patient on whom to practice their craft.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few >parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the (Contact Us Please) are interchangeable."

[BigWadeS]

BLONDE LOGIC

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named

Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[BigWadeS]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida???"

[BigWadeS]

Those are funny, I especially like the sharp edged sign

[Stiff]

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[Stiff]

BTW - I was once diagnosed with multiple personalities - but we're MUCH better now....

......he he he hE HE HE HE HE He he he he he....... hmmmmmmmm.......

[ladyluck]

I don't get it... Maybe cuz i'm blond! j/k hahaha

[ladyluck]

um, dude.... those are just reflections. don't ya'll have mirrors where you're from? ;-)

[ladyluck]

This joke made me bust a gut the first time I heard it.

The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

[Stiff]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a bottle of rum. The bartender noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a dirty patch over one of his eyes. The bartender, overcome with curiosity about life on treacherous seas, decides to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. So he asks the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica! I killed me 14 men that day though."

His new acquaintance, now impressed, was still curious about the other injuries, so he asked, "What about your hand? Did you lose that during the same battle? "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys when I was diving for dead man's treasure."

Finally, the bartender asked, "I noticed you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and shat right in me eye."

The bartender, expecting another gory response, confusedly asks, "How could a little seagull dump cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "ARRRRRRRRR, Well, it was the first day after I'd gotten me new HOOK!"

[ladyluck]

Duck Hunting in Texas

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said,

"No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!"

[ladyluck]

great joke. nice avatar.

[ladyluck]

BassCatcher... your joke about the three golfers reminded me of another great sports classic. Ya'll probably know this one already, but it's worth repeating.

Stevie and Tiger

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to

Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my

swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need

to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I

play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't

see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of

the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and

play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,

the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again

I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the

hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the

ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round

sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only

play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when

would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

[Stiff]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

       

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,...

but on Fridays, I fish."

[ladyluck]

hahaha! ok you win!

[Stiff]

No way!! Let's see some more.