Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fish-n-fool]

Important Women's Health Issue:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living…with Margaritas!

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

- Dizziness

- Nausea

- Vomiting

- Incarceration

- Loss of motor control

- Loss of clothing

- Loss of money

- Headache

- Dehydration

- Dry mouth

- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

Thank you.

[UdeLakeTom]

EXCELLENT IDEA!!! Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms: One in office and one in prison!

[Gordie]

EXCELLENT IDEA!!! Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms: One in office and one in prison!

if they did both terms in prison first they might think differntlly about the the office. thats a good one ULT

[Farmboy1]

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio are walking down the street. They see a sign advertising a contest for “Most Beautiful Woman” and Cinderella wins the prize immediately. A little further down the street they see a sign advertising a contest for “World’s Strongest Man” and Superman wins the prize. Further down the street they see a sign for “World’s Best Liar” and Pinocchio goes in but does not come out for a long time. When he does he is crying with disappointment and frustration at not having won the contest. And he asks them, “ Who exactly is this Brett Favre?”

[Farmboy1]

Just got this from a Nutty Democrat Friend.

Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.

The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff.

Who was saved?

AMERICA

[lovebigbluegills]

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hun dreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.'...

[HossFisher]

[Gordie]

thats just wrong

[roughfish29]

Just got this from a Nutty Democrat Friend.

Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.

The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff.

Who was saved?

AMERICA

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS GREAT!!!

[Gordie]

feel bad for the donkey

[fish-n-fool]

[Please read forum policy before posting again, Thank you]

[roughfish29]

funny!

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Fool,

I hears what Sheila be axin fo. Fo shizzle my nizzle!

[UdeLakeTom]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this;"have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Captain Morgan walks into a bar (imagine that) and before he can place his order from the waitress she says to him, "Captain, do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

To which the Captain replies...........

Aye Lassy, it's drivin' me nuts!

[JollyT]

Two baby seals walk into a club... <bah,dah,ching!>

[Gordie]

kid told me this one

what do you get when you cross 25 thousand pigs and 25 thousand deer

50 sowsandbucks

its all in the delivery

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Did you hear that Kayne West interupted Patrick Swayze's funeral to tell everybody that Michael Jackson's funeral was one of the greatest funerals of all time!

Note: You will only get this joke if you saw what West did on the award show with Taylor Swift.

[The Grebe]

What a turd, huh?

[JacobMHD]

What do you call a woman that is of the male gender?

Amanda

(a-man-duh!)

[UdeLakeTom]

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

[UdeLakeTom]

QUALIFICATIONS In a Purdue University classroom, they werediscussing the qualifications to be President of the UnitedStates. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen, and at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately startedin on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural borncitizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented manycapable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant,but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up herargument by asking: "What makes a natural born citizen any morequalified to lead this country than one born byC-section?" Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that justelected the new President of the United States.

[Gordie]

Blonde too I bet

[UdeLakeTom]

Just a smile to start the Day if you golf. Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing careergoing?' Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?' Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems withknee and my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.' Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, Ineed to stop playing for a while and not think about it.Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.' Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'. Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf ifyou can't see?' Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in themiddle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the soundof his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I getto where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green orfarther down the fairway and again I play the ball towardshis voice.' 'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger 'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in frontof the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and Ijust play the ball towards his voice.' Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' 0AStevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.' Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play around sometime.' Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so Ionly play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 ahole. That a problem?' Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'mgame for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When wouldyou like to play?' Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'.

[fish-n-fool]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on the newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna havae another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!!"

Some of the locala shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say there partner, what happened in Texas, anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."