Anybody know any clean jokes?

[Bigbartguy]

I had bought a cabin up North and was spending my first weekend at it when a neighbor walked up to introduce himself:

Neighbor: " Hi there! Welcome to the neighborhood! There's a party later if you'd like to stop over."

Me: "that sounds great!! I was hoping to get to know some of the neighbors"

Neighbor: "I should probably warn you that they'll probably be some drinkin', dancin', some kissin', and maybe even some fornicatin' too!"

WOW I thought to myself, what a welcome!! These up-north people really know how to party!

Me: "Sounds great! Who'all will be there?"

Neighbor: "Aww, not too many folks. Probably just you and me."

[fish-n-fool]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her

to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a

business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,

'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in

the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread

his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off,

and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out,

'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

[panthrcat]

2 peanuts were walking down the street..............

1 was asaulted.

[jonny_redhorse]

Why don't blondes like dill pickles?...................................Can't get their heads in a pickle jar! ....now I'm in trouble ...

[fish-n-fool]

[note from admin- please read forum policy before posting again]

[fish-n-fool]

You are on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ...

You're listening to your Ipod

[fish-n-fool]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[fish-n-fool]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[fish-n-fool]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

[UdeLakeTom]

You must have the best of Henny Youngman book!!

[fish-n-fool]

Nope.. just LOTS of emailed jokes... Passing on the wealth.

[UdeLakeTom]

Most of the ones I get, I can't post here!!!

[fish-n-fool]

Have had to do a little 'upgrading' on some of mine.. or I'd

end up with a 'poor word usage' on a lot of them.

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

I am surprised the 200 ton coal one made it past the moderators! I am laughing but I am surprised!

[fish-n-fool]

The moderator must have liked that one hee, hee

[ozzie]

kinda on the racial side......not so funny!!!

[fish-n-fool]

Wasn't meant to be.. sorry if I offended you.

[Jakesbuds]

A blonde walks into her regular

dry cleaner and drops off a blouse.

As she leaves the clerk says

'Come again'

and the blonde says

'No, its mustard this time.'

LMAO! Now that is one great joke right there!

[ozzie]

Wasn't meant to be.. sorry if I offended you.

I am not offended I just don't think it is appropriate but to each their own.......keep the jokes coming I still like to read them!!

[fish-n-fool]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of

frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to

take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised

to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally

responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he

was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would

happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to

announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave

me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

[fish-n-fool]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[UdeLakeTom]

Good one...I copied and sent it to my hillbilly friends!

[ozzie]

Good one...I copied and sent it to my hillbilly friends!

and if they are hillbilies then I imagine you sent it by mail....cause hillbilies don't have computers and email!! LOL

[ILLIFIED]

Dating Points

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

*You stay by her side the entire party (0)

*You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

*Named Tina (-10)

*Tina is a dancer (-20)

*Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

*You take her out to dinner (+2)

*You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

*Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

*And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

*It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

*You take her to a movie (+1)

*You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

*You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

*You take her to a movie you like (-2)

*It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

*You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

*You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

*You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

*You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

*You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

*She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

*You hesitate in responding (-10)

*You reply, "Where?" (-35)

*Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

*When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

*You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

*You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

*She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

[Jakesbuds]

Parrot Prostitutes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' ""That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered