Anybody know any clean jokes?

[CALVINIST]

There was this blonde, and she wanted to learn how to ice fish. So she went to the sporting goods store, got all the equipment she needed, and then headed for the ice.

She drilled a hole, and before she could start fishing she hears a voice from above, "There's no fish there". So she picks up all her stuff, walks about 20 feet away, and drills another hole.

Again, a voice from above says, "There's no fish there". Frustrated, she picks up her gear again and walks to another spot. She drills the hole, and again, the voice says, "There's no fish there".

This time, she looks up and says, Is that you God?" And the voice from above says, "No, it's the ice arena manager...there's no fish there".

[iland99]

Hello, with it being the holiday and giving season it seemed like the right time to pass this story along.

A Touching Elephant Story

n 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[LMITOUT]

What did the blind man say......nope.

Ever heard the one about the duck......better not.

Two guys enter the bar......yikes.

Nope, don't know any clean jokes.

[Blaze]

Good one, Pete.

2 of my 9yo daughter's favorite jokes:

There are 2 muffins sitting in the oven together. One of the muffins looks over at the other one and says, "Wow! Sure is gettin' hot in here!" The other one screams, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! A talking muffin!"

She laughs for 2-3 minutes every time she tells that one.

Next one:

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Interrupting cow

Person 2: Interrup....

and before Person 2 gets it outta there mouth...

Person 1: MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Again, laughing continues for minutes afterward. I love that kid.

[CALVINIST]

Q. How do the Roman Catholics make "Holy water"?

A. They boil the Hell out of it!

[Dan Thiem]

Why is the number six afraid of number seven?

Because seven eight nine!

Duh! I know.

[channelfats]

What has 75 balls, ans screws old women?

Bingo.

[Bobby Bass]

Amazing Dog:

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Minnesota Vikings jersey and helmet. The bartender says, "Hey, you'll have to leave. No pets allowed." The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. My TV's busted and this is the only place we can watch the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that the dog and him will be thrown out if there is any trouble, the bartender lets him stay.

The game starts and the Vikings receive the kick-off and march down the field, get stopped on the 30 and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog marches up and down the bar, giving high fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. What does he do if they score a touchdown ?"

The dog owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

[HawgMan]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, made

a lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to

hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into

a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed withe rain and the wind was blowing

50 mph. so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered the weather was going to be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into the bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "the weather out there is terrible, "

She sleepily replied,

" Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this dump."

[HawgMan]

Minneapolis, MN (AP)

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Minneapolis

courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling

over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being

beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in

keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family

unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat

him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy

cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and

learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them,

the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who

should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references

and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary

custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not

capable of beating anyone.

[The Grebe]

There was this little guy sitting at the bar, drinking his beer and minding his own business, when all of a sudden this big guy rushes into the bar, right up to the little guy and WHACK!!! knocks him off his stool and onto the floor. The big guy proudly proclaims, "That was a Karate Chop, it comes from my experience in Korea!"

The little guy gets up, dust himself off and sits back on his stool to finish his beer. No sooner had he finished a couple of sips and WHACK!! the big guy again knocks him off the stool and onto the floor and loudly proclaims, "That was a Judo chop, it comes from my experience in Japan!"

The little guy shakes out the cob webs, dusts himself off and quietly leaves the bar. The little guy is gone for about an hour or so and when he returns, he quietly slips up behind the big guy who is drinking at the bar and WHACK!!

he knocks him off the stool and face down onto the floor.

The little guy looks at the bartender an proudly proclaims, "When he comes to, tell him that was a CROWBAR from my experience at Sear"!

[Bobb-o]

and did you guys hear the one aboot the dyslexic guy who walked into the bra?

[The_Duckslayer]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

[Meaney]

great jokes guys!

[Whopper Stopper]

Norweigan Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a Norwegian mortuary wearing an

expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Sven the mortician asks the

deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the

man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best

in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Sven a blank

check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in

a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds

her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the

suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Sven, "Whatever dis cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an

excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Sven presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no

charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for da cost of dat exquisite blue suit!" she says

"Honestly, ma'am," Sven says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a

deceased gentleman of about your husband's size vas brought in shortly

after you left yesterday, and he vas vearing an attractive blue suit. I

asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, I yust switched dere heads."

[CALVINIST]

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have a good summer olympic team?

A. Because the ones that can run, swim, and jump are already here in America!

[pocketknife]

ok here it is

Where do you take a sick boat?

to the dock

another one

What does the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac stay up thinking about?

wondering if there really is a dog.

bye

[CALVINIST]

A little boy was in school one day and he brought up the bible story of how Jonah got swallowed by a whale. The teacher overheard him and said,

"Now Johnny, that's impossible, the throat of a whale is simply not big enough to swallow a full grown man."

To which Johnny replied, "It is true, I know it is because it's in the bible. And when I die and go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah myself."

The teacher then asked, "Johnny, what if Jonah didn't go to heaven; what if he is in Hell?"

To which Johnny replied, "Then you can ask him!"

[Bobby Bass]

Why could the mother with 14 kids not get in to the movie? Because "under sixteen not admitted"

Why could the pirate not get in to the movie?

It was rated arrrrrrrr

[Crappie_ Kid]

I got two blonde jokes.

OK Two blondes walk into a building ya thuoght one of them would have seen it.

There is a blonde driving down the road,And she is swearving side to side and finnaly a cop sees her doing this and pulls her over. the cop gets to the window says" mam why were you swearving side to side"the blonde says "officer there were trees jumping out in front of me."the cop then says"mam thats your air freshner".

[efgh]

A old maid lived next to a old batchlor in a small town and they were always fighting about something. Money was getting low in the oldmaids house and groceries were lower, so she decided to ask god to send her something to eat, stepping out on her porch she loudly prayed for some groceries, the old batchlor heard her and felt sorry for her, he went down town and bought 3 big bags of food. He set them on her porch and watched for her to notice them. When she did, she said in a loud voice thank you god for hearing me and sending me food. The old batchlor told her, god didn;t send that food ,I bought it and set it on your porch. She looked at him, raised her eyes to heven and prayed, Thank you god for the food and you even made the devil pay for it.

[CALVINIST]

efgh, your joke reminds me of another joke I know...

There was this town next to a river, and being spring, the town was getting flooded. One man lived in a house that was in danger of getting wiped off the map, but refused to leave. First the police showed up at his front door, but he said, "God will provide". The water got higher and a boat rowed up to his to 2nd storey window, but he said, "God will provide". Finally, he was on his rooftop, and the rescue helecoptor flung down a rope ladder for him to climb, but he said, "God will provide". Finally he was overcome by water and he drowned.

Well, it happened that he found himself standing before God, and being angry that God didn't rescue him, he asked God, "What happened? I had believed you would rescue me, but you never did!" To which God replied, "I sent the police, a boat, and a helecoptor, what more could I do?"

[pine329]

What did the ginger Bread Man put on his bed???

Cookie Sheets

Blonde keeps going back and forth to her mailbox, finaly her neighbor asks, why do you keep going to your mailbox?

With tears in her eyes, she says, my stupid computer keeps saying I have mail...

[Farmboy1]

What did the fish say when he ran into concrete.

Dam.

[Cyberfish]

Why did the fish cross the road/

just for the halibut!

What are the two strongest days?

Saturday and sunday, the rest are just weekdays!