Anybody know any clean jokes?

[fish-n-fool]

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[fish-n-fool]

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him in the head and kills him.

The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."

[fish-n-fool]

Subject: Chili and Wal-Mart Shopping

Read at your own risk! I almost wet my pants, I laughed so hard!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being

altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and

consumed a massive quantity of my patented

'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty

stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which

comes with a written guarantee from me that if you

eat, the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even

after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing

happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers

swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not

sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a

local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search

of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping

items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of

the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that

always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were

staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied

their way through the small intestines, forcing their way

into the large intestines, and before I could take one step

in the direction of the restrooms which would bring

sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning

shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,

suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never

before been recorded. I was afraid to move

for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave

the lower part of my body, and I began to move up

the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned

into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see

what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium

that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it

unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm

sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor

so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head

as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me

feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep

things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With

each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from

my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing

that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had

ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a

shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,

and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down

a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make

it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to

the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating

above the toilet seat because my [PoorWordUsage] is burning SO

BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in

the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and

Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Sonofa b - - - - !', then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my

partially filled cart intending to carry on with my

shopping when a store employee approached me and

said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few

minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink

bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the

vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to

take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases

to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped

back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing

at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',

then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises

and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing

To eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at K-Mart. I can't say anymore about that

because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[lovebigbluegills]

I got this one on my e-mail a while back, and it is HILARIOUS!!!

(Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!)

Roping A Deer------- (Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds!

[fish-n-fool]

you ever wondered where the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shi**in' Me'' camefrom?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Cor poral Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shi**in' me.'

[upnorth]

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an one-who-thinks-I-am-silly."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[fish-n-fool]

Skinny Dipping ....

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[fish-n-fool]

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense, i.e., waiting to be attacked.

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The ultimate weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware of the citizen who only has one gun. THEY PROBABLY KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I replied, 'Of course it's loaded – it doesn't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not at all. I'm not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they're all loaded, too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

[fish-n-fool]

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-a$$, stop clapping!'

[fish-n-fool]

A new supermarket opened nearby. It has an automatic

water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,

you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you

Experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled

Steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh

baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[jwmiller33]

Subject: Chili and Wal-Mart Shopping

Read at your own risk! I almost wet my pants, I laughed so hard!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being

altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and

consumed a massive quantity of my patented

'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty

stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which

comes with a written guarantee from me that if you

eat, the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even

after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing

happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers

swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not

sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a

local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search

of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping

items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of

the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that

always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were

staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied

their way through the small intestines, forcing their way

into the large intestines, and before I could take one step

in the direction of the restrooms which would bring

sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning

shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,

suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never

before been recorded. I was afraid to move

for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave

the lower part of my body, and I began to move up

the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned

into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see

what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium

that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it

unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm

sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor

so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head

as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me

feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep

things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With

each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from

my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing

that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had

ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a

shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,

and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down

a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make

it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to

the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating

above the toilet seat because my [PoorWordUsage] is burning SO

BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in

the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and

Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly

said, 'Sonofa b - - - - !', then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my

partially filled cart intending to carry on with my

shopping when a store employee approached me and

said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few

minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink

bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the

vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to

take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases

to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped

back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing

at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',

then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises

and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing

To eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at K-Mart. I can't say anymore about that

because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

ohhhh man that was funny!!!!!!!!! i laughed so so hard at work when i read that!!!

[fish-n-fool]

That one kinda reminds me of my brother.. He really likes bean dip.....don't need to say any more, do I?

[upnorth]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[fish-n-fool]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, yes - I guess I am... I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."

Then he added, "What are you?".

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping their drinks in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[JeffB]

Ok the roping a deer one had me laughing so hard I could taste the salt from my tears. As a farmer it reminded me of my own little scrap with a deer that wasn't as funny, but goes like this. As a sugarbeet farmer I used to have migrant workers that stayed on the farm and one day while coming into the yard I can see they have all my cattle fencing out of the barn and drive over to see whats going on. Well they have a fawn fenced in an area that they said they found in the beet field. I ask them what they planned on doing with it, there reply was to bring it back to Texas with them. Well I imediatly knew I wouldn't allow this with memories of the previous year of them driving all the way to texas with a motorcycle and two miniature horses in the back of thier pick-up. I told them to take the fences down and give the deer a chance to find its mother. It didn't, so they bottle fed it they went back to texas and the semi tame deer stayed. I hoped it would leave as it grew up, but it began to think it was a dog like my two labs. Well my older yellow lab wanted no part of this new freindship, but the youner one spent his days constantly trying to mount it. Awqard show when we would have company in the yard. Well the deer started sneaking up on my yellow lab and did its best to pound knots in the dog with its front hooves while the dog would catch a nap in the sun. The dog unfortunatly lacked the speed to get his revenge, so one day the dog was sleeping outside the corner of my shop I saw the deer sneaking up on the dog with its ears pinned back I grabbed a shovel(the first thing I could find) and snuck around the corner and wacked the deer square over the head with a large boing the deer fell back stunned. I was so proud of teaching the deer a lesson that I was a little slow recognizing how fast the deer went from being totally in a fog to totally pizzed of in about one seconds time. After deer hunting for many years I had never seen a deers facial expression show such anger and hatred so well. Soon its all hooves and shovels flailing as I scrambled back, luckily Buck my good old yellow lab had my back and the deer ran off. It was back again the next morning, but was met several days later by the folks from chahinkapa Zoo to be loaded up. If the zoo wouldn't have taken it my deer season would have started early that year.

[fish-n-fool]

Letter from Ron on aging women:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Ron

NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Born2Fish]

I am not sure if this one is already on here(I couldn't make it through 40 pages!):

A duck walks into a store and approaches the counter. He proceeds to ask the clerk,"Do you have any duck food?" The clerk responds, "Im sorry we do not have any duck food." The duck says ok and walks out. The next day same duck walks into the same store and asks the clerk again, "Do you have any duck food?" The clerk responds again, "No duck, I told you yesterday we have no duck food." Ok says the duck and walks out. This continues for a few more days. Each day enraging the clerk even more. Finally the duck walks into the store and walks up to the counter..."Ohhh nooo you don't. We have no duck food, and if you come in here again im going to nail your feet to the floor so you can never leave and ask again!!" Duck says ok and walks out. Next day the duck walks into the store and right up to the counter and asks, "Hey got any nails?" The clerk says "No we do not have any nails." "Ok" says the duck, "Got any duck food?"

[bassNspear]

thats a good one! Thanks

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

*Dam*

[Windy City Walleye Hunter]

Why are fish so smart?

Because they swim in schools!

Kitty will like that one if he liked his. LOL

[Here-Kitty-Kitty]

lol

Ya its nice to be easily amused.

[Born2Fish]

So this girl walks into a bar. This bar happens to be at the top floor of some highrise. She walks in and happens to see this guy sittin at the bar by himself. So she approaches him. Hi she says. Hey he says back. What you drinking she asks. Oh this? This is my magic beer. She says yeah OK and walks away. After mingling for a while and still seeing the guy sittin there, she approaches again. Say how about you show me why that magic beer, she says. Ok he says. So he slams down a drink and jumps out the window and flys around the building 3 times, then back through the window. WOW she says, but I still don't believe it, do it again! Ok he says and does the same thing. So instantly she says to the bartender, Give me one of those magic beers. She grabs it slams it down and jumps out the window to her death. The guys sits down and the bartender says, Superman, you REALLY can be a pri** sometimes!!

[UdeLakeTom]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

[upnorth]

A little 10 year old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day.

A big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her after following

along for a little while. He turns to her and asks, "Hey there little

girl, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she

keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and says

"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!"

says the little girl as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist

pulls up beside the girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer!

I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on

the back of my bike and we will go for a ride." Finally the little

girl stops and turns toward him and screams out "Look Dad, you're the

one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!!!"