child support paying dads

[Dobber]

December 28th, 2001 I came home from work to a note from my wife saying she was leaving me. She gave no reason why and to this day she won't say why and her family doesn't even know why. Kinda messes with a guys head, pretty bad. She ended up moving to CA by threatening to take everything I've got financially as well as material possessions I've had for years before her. We have two young girls (4&6 yrs old) between us and I get them for one month in the summer. We worked out the child support and visitation between ourselves instead of the courts doing it.
My question is: When does the frickin' emotional pain go away? I've spent 1 1/2 years in counseling and basically that kept me from blowing my brains out. People tell me I need to forgive her so "I" can move on with my life but that is a whole lot easier said then done. Just getting out of bed and getting in to work each day is a struggle. I love Minnesota but I don't know how much longer I can stay 2000 miles away from my kids.
Hey, I hate to lay this on you FM'ers but I'm running out of options for finding happiness and that is what I truly want.

Dobber

[Patio]

Dobber,
Been there, and hated coming home after work to that quiet house. Any excuse to stay out after work. Got tired of that after many months. My life and attitude took a 180 degree turn for the better when I decided to buy a Golden retriever puppy. Best $300 I ever spent. Something to come home to every day. Something to take care of. Unconditional love in return. And the kids loved it when they were there. It became their dog too. I like to hunt so it was easy for me as I had lots of time for training. Dogs have a wonderful way of making people feel better.
Of course talking to friends was also a big help. This is how I got by.

God bless and good luck.

[JohnMickish]

Dobber, here is what worked for me, friends, golf leages, bowling leages, fishing and hunting. I had to stay busy to keep my mind off of it. Then one day it was ok. It took me about a year before I half way ok and about two years before I was ok to be with myself, and booze is not the answer. Trust me on this one.

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It still beats workin'

[Guest]

Been there, and yes it sucks.

The best words of advice I ever received was this: "Yes, everyone says it will get better, but nobody tells you how it gets better. However it gets better by this.........Every 5 minutes, you are angry or hurt by what happened. It is always on your mind. Soon after, it is every 10 minutes, then every half hour. Pretty soon, you only think about it once a day. Then before you know it, it is only on your mind every other day. Then once a week.

Soon, you will wake up and realize that you are not angry anymore.

How to get there is up to you, but those words came from a divorced father, who went through as much hell as I did, when I went through my divorce.

I came close to the gutter.......real close. 2 years after my divorce, my company went through financial problems and I lost my GREAT job.

Yep, I boozed it pretty hard. Didn't want to go to my empty home with my daughter no longer there..........so, I went to the bar every night that I didn't have her. I didn't get drunk every night, but just went to the bar, to be around people. (By the way, a bar is a terrible place to get counseling!!!!!!!)

Thank God for friends and family, who didn't give up on me. Even though, I didn't always wanted to talk about my situation, they were just there.

Today, I have 2 very close fishing partners. They are my best friends. I've become extremely active in fishing and hunting. More than what I did as a kid. Today, fishing and hunting is my past time passion.

I have my wonderful 9 year old daughter, who is the best kid you will find. She is great!!! Even the teachers say so!!!!! She is loved by all and has a heart of gold. Thank God, she kept me going, because I would be a pile of $#!+ right now, if it wasn't for her.

Today, 6 years after my divorce, I have fallen deeply in love with a wonderful woman. We just got engaged and I'm happier now than ever.

Pick a hobby. Fishing and hunting were mine. That helped me through it and kept me out of the bars.

Hang in there bud, and talk about it. People out there, who care about you, want you to talk about it, so you can get it off your chest. They are not listening just for gossip or their own personal reasons, they are their to help.

Again, the answer is not in the booze..........

By the way, I pay $848 per month, plus health and dental..........That is for one child...........And yes, as for Dakota County.......If I were a preacher and my ex-wife was a prostitute, she would still have custody............(my comparison is fairly close) Dakota County is absolutely horrible for supporting the dad. I have no respect for Dakota County law.

[can it be luck?]

Big G-, I like what you've said in this thread as well as many other posts you've made in other threads. You're right on the money. I've a whole different outlook on you since our few initial "confrontational" posts. Sorry they got to be a "heated debate", as far as issues on catch and release.
Take care, Mark

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http://groups.msn.com/canitbeluck

[This message has been edited by can it be luck? (edited 04-02-2004).]

[rockhardinmn]

I will State again it is not about what is best for either spouseIt is about the Kids! In my case i had a son who wanted to live with his dad and a daughter who went Living He!! after she told her mom that she wanted to live with me also.After my one girl told her mom this fact her mother started threating suicide and those who were coaching her to try to do all she did to me called me for help. Did i go to try to stop her ? Yes i did , but not for wifes benifit whatsoever. I went because i couldnt find away that i could deal with my girl over her telling her mother who she wanted to live with and her then taking her life over it . My daughter and i talked long and hard about this before she told her mom. I explained , first that no matter where they ( I have 3 kids) lived it wouldnt change how i felt for them or what i would do for them and that i Loved them all. I had this same converstaion with my son .I explained to my girl that i would have to distroy my wife in court fighting for her to beable to live with me .Again i will state it is about the Kids Period.
To make a long story (that still causes Pain)short, After wife and i decided to try and work things out , i ended up sending her to live else where so she could be a kid again, the wife was blaming her for all of the things that went wrong . i just happened to be there on a day that she did this.I stepped in and stopped the wife, I asked her "What the F-_- you are doing ? No wonder the Girls are so screwed up with you blaming them for your mistakes and choices.They are Kids and need to be kids." I was lucky that i had Parents who lived where these 2 of my Children could live with and be in school with their friends. .My one daughter and my son today 4 years later come to talk to me about all of the problems that they encounter in her life . Neither of the kids talk very much with her mom about anything .My oldest Girl was quite messed up and still is today from the events and preasure that was applied on her from the wifes new friends.

Dobber, a piece of advice that 1 friend and my lawyer later gave me was " give her enough rope and she will hang herself". If you are still in the divorce proceddings you dont have to deal with the ex at all . Let the lawyer do it . The two of you have very little to talk about now except the kids and whats best for them .I even ended up haveing a cop sit close by to watch all of the things going on cause i was accused of abuse(never Happened) also(seems that this is a classic accusation tactic)whenever i had any sort of dealings with the wife .My love for my Kids is far greater than how i feel about my wife today. Reconciling has not been easy either but it does happen, i am proof of that althou i do still wonder some days why i didnt go completely thru with the divorce.
Dobber if ya need to just vent some times and want too, you can E-mail me At "[email protected]" ,, hope things start looking up for ya soon cause life is to short to be un happy

[Ole1855]

Rockhardinmn and BigG,

I got divorced in 1986, it was't popular for the courts to award custody for the kids to the Dad back then, and BigG it was in Dakota County. She had to pay me weekly child support payments and no surprize, she was never on time. After having her get 11 weeks behind in payments, I went to Dakota County office and asked what I needed to do to get the counties help. They handed me the forms, I filled them out and they sent them to her employer to garnish her checks. About 1 month later, the checks started to show up and yes she had to pay what she was behind and you get automatic updates every two years.

Ole

[friendlyfisher]

Dobber, I suggest you find a good church and and start there. You can meet great people and put your faith in the lord. good luck and god bless.

[rockhardinmn]

Ole,, Nothing has Changed in the year 2000 either. i am Glad to see that in your case the ex did have to pay her share. i should state that i do feel that you should support your( either spouse) kids. i Dont agree with the idea that most exs feel that they need to be now supported at a higher level than what was being lived with in poir years.

Bottom line Ole ,, whatever spouse the kids end up with. it is about the kids,they shouldnt be used as pawns so the other spouse has a way to support themselves or any other way. it is the Kids and what is best for them to thrive and grow now . i would like to point out i have friend in Itasca county that he got custody of his kids also.His ex never had to pay a dime even thou he went to court a number of times for it . If she was a male the hunting ,fishing and drivers lis. rights would have been revoked. then there is also the threats of going to jail for being a dead beat dad . Well there is dead beat moms also but we rarely if ever hear a mom being haveing anything revoked or throwen in jail.

[Ole1855]

rockhard,
I agree with you 100%, the reason I took the kids, was for the kids, I didn't want them to grow up in the environment that she would have had them in. And the amount of child support she paid didn't amount to a hill of beans, the biggest reason I pushed for it was as a matter of principle!!!! I figured there were enough Dad's out there that paid their share of CS, I figured, h-ll she's employed why shouldn't she have to pay!!!! I feel very deeply for all the parents out there that don't have custody and should and I do have a couple of friends that pay a ridicules amount of CS and I know their ex's aren't using all that money on the kids, the ones it's intended for!!!

Ole

[rockhardinmn]

Ole, How old are the kids? Just getting them into the sport of fishing?

<~~~``` bonehead here .. i should have rered some of the post here to see if you mentioned the age of the kids Ole,,,, was thinking if there were younger i would have been happy to turn you on to a Prime ice out sunnie and crappie spot from shore

[This message has been edited by rockhardinmn (edited 04-02-2004).]

[This message has been edited by rockhardinmn (edited 04-02-2004).]

[Ole1855]

rockhard,

Thanks for the thought, but right now the kids are too busy for anything outdoors. My son gets out of school the 1st week of May so he'll be home for opener, my daughters pretty busy until next fall before she gets out.

I will tell all the single parents out there, take the youngsters fishing or grouse hunting or deer hunting or what ever else you enjoy doing outdoors. I started taking mine at a very young age, partly due to necessity, partly due to them wanting to go. I used to put a big house out on Mille Lacs in the winter and I started taking the kids up there when they were still in diapers, the boat had to wait a little longer though. Both my son and daughter started sitting in the deer stand with me, all wrapped up in sleeping bags, when they were 5-6 years old. To this day they both love to fish and hunt.

Ole

[Dobber]

Man, you guys make me feel GREAT! I'm so glad I found this forum.
Thanks everyone for all your breakup/divorce/reconciliation/whatever-your-sitch stories. It really helps to hear what you guys have to say about your life and it makes me think my life isn't as bad as I think it is. And you have all convinced me it will get easier.
I have good days and bad days. Both my girls were born in April and I will miss seeing them blow out the candles on thier B'day cakes and open their presents but come June, they will be staying with me for a whole month so I have that to keep me going as well.
I'm trying to stay busy with building a home theater in my basement. Some days I'm really up for working on it and other days I blow it off. That's just how that works for whatever reason.
I play racquetball 2x a week and hopefully, if the weather cooperates, I'll be riding my mountain bike on the trails real soon. Exercise always clears my head and makes me feel good.
I did go to church for about a month but I just never felt anything. I really wanted to and I really tried to, but I just couldn't get what I thought I would from it. I hope that doesn't mean I'll be going to he!! but I did try.
I'm not a hunter as I don't care for the taste of game but I love to fish! Come on open water!
I did adopt a dog, also. Very good advice there. Riley is a cocker/lab mix and yes it's nice to come home to a friend that is ALWAYS glad to see me after work.
I never did do much boozing. I'll have a beer every now and then but that's about all.
I'm just taking it day by day knowing I will have bad days but I'll also have some really good days as well. Thanks again for all the responses. You guys make me feel like I did when I played softball - part of a team that I can count on no matter what.
One more thing- Big G, I hope my story ends the way yours did.
Dobber

[SCUMFROG]

It sure seems like there is a lot of us in the same boat. My wounds healed but I still have scares. Like many of you my ex got the kids and kept them from me for 3 years. Thank god I met the woman I'm married to now cause I don't know what I would have done. Now I've got my son and fighting for my daughter. It's been a long rough road and I've wanted to quit many times but she wouldn't let me, and I love her more for it.

Just hang in there and don't give up. Think of the kids, and what they would do with out they're daddy. That's what she'd say to me and it worked.

I was also thinking maybe all of us should get together and fish or just talk about life. I'm always looking for new friends to fish with. What do you all think?

[Guest]

Mark;

I don't know two people yet, that fully agree on C&R!!!!!!! Everyone has different views. :-)

I enjoy your input on this HSOforum as well. You have posted some good info!

Now, we just need to get all these divorced dads out on Erie to catch some big hawgs!!!!!!!

I got to get out there!!!!!

[HoleHopper]

Dobber, There is allways a positive, just got to look harder for it somtimes.

Now, all I want to know is, when?....Where?....and what lake the group hug is going to take place?
We could set up a group counceling barge with Walleye fishing too boot!
HoleHopper

[rockhardinmn]

Dobber, real soon here i will hitting the water for spring crappies and sunnies ,, if ya care to join me just say so. If ya decide to rake me up on that bring the dog too ,, there doesnt have to be anything said about the problems going on for ya now. on the other hand if ya need to talk and vent i can listen while i crank in another dump

[Ole1855]

Dobber,
Hang in there it definitely gets better. One other thing I did since going fishing wasn't something I could do every day was I put a garden in my backyard. May sound a little funny but I spent alot of evenings in the garden working off stress. I had custody of my kids so missing them wasn't the problem but the stress of being a single parent and all that goes with it made for alot of stress and the garden helped, besides the kids loved to play in the dirt and "help". I'm not sure if you've read this whole thread or not but people have put alot of very good and helpful information here. Some of the key points that I've read and lived have been, hook up with friends and talk about how this whole ordeal makes you feel, get involved in activities with friends or even people you don't know in some type of activity, stay busy working on what makes YOU happy don't sit around and feel down, some have said get involved in the church if that's you persuation, all of these are good advice. Missing the kids will never go away but if you don't take care of yourself, you're not doing your kids any good either.

Hang in there!!!

Ole

[This message has been edited by Ole1855 (edited 04-03-2004).]

[1DIRTBALL]

Even though I haven't had the misfortune to go through what all you guy's have,my heart still goes out to all of you. Hang in there.

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YOU CAN'T talk AN OLD talk'ER!

[Redlantern]

Ole, you put into words what I was thinking. Missing the kids will never go away. I agree, but like you said, if you don't take care of yourself, you aren't much good to them. I'd also like to add that one thing that will alienate you from your kids faster than anything is talking trash about their mother. They don't want to hear about it. When you get them, let them know that they are the center of your world and have fun with them. In my case, my kids mother was kind of controlling and would never let me do much with the kids while we were together. I know it sounds strange but I missed out on doing most of feedings and diaper changes. Now that their mom and I aren't together I get to spend more time with my kids than before. And it is good time! Look on the positive side. Good luck.

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Erik

[bucketmouth64]

Another way to relieve stress is to join an athletic club like Lifetime fitness, YMCA, and so on. It will make you healthier and relieve the stress. Also a way to meet other women. But you need to be careful. Many of the women are married. Going on a fishing charter (Mille Lacs?) sounds like a fun time. Or we could call it a counseling charter. Maybe we should email Dr. Phil to come along and do a group session . He could hand out his book Self Matters.
Anyway, I feel for all of you who are hurting. Like I said earlier, this is amazing the posts (and the quantity)all of you have written. I still go thru the hurts of not having my kids. Like it was said earlier, it never goes away. Just cherish the times when you do have them. Take lots of pix and do the video camera thing to make lasting memories.

[Dobber]

Wow. I've gotten more helpful feedback from you guys than I did from 1 1/2 years of personal counseling. The part that helps the most is hearing (or should I say reading) all about your own personal marital misfortunes and it gives me a way to gauge my own situation against yours. I definately don't feel alone or like I am the only one this kind of dump happens to anymore. And I don't think my situation is any worse than some of yours.
Thanks again and HECK YES I want to go fishing with those of you that offered. My email is [email protected]

[Dobber]

analyzer-
Wow. What can I say? Is that a true story?
Your story truly does make me wonder what the Lord has planned for me.
You are an extremely resilant man. I hope I can be the same.

Dobber

[analyzer]

100% true Dobber.

She told me later that she broke up with me because I was getting too serious and she was getting scared. She was only 19 at the time, and the night of the twins playoff game, after the buggy ride, I gave her a ring and earings. I think before she opened it, she thought it was going to be an ingagement ring, and she wasn't ready for that. She found out two months later she was pregnant, but had blown me off so badly, she didn't know how to repair things. She also didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant, so that she could decide on her own whether to keep the baby or not. She was going to abort him, but hung up the phone when she was making the appointment. Then she decided she was going to adopt him out. She never told anyone about the pregnancy. She'd sleep in until everyone went to school or work and kept herself covered as much as possible. My son was only 4lb 10oz at birth, so I don't think she was eating alot. I saw her one night at a night club(she never drinks, so don't think she was harming the baby), and I told my friends, boy she looks like sh-t, she almost looks pregnant (you know, all the water weight in her face). But I said, even if she is it's not mine. So she kept playing the secrecy game, not even her family knew. She drove herself to the hospital, gave birth, and went back to work 2 days later. 3 weeks after he was born, the hospital called. Her brother answered the phone, and they said the baby pictures were ready. He said "Cory's?"(Her other brother had a child 7 weeks before our son) and the hospital rep said "no, Brandin's". Her brother said "Who's Brandin?" and the rep hung up. But the cat was out of the bag and Annette's mother did some investigating. When Annette finally fessed up, her mother said she had to call me. I had actually left for the black hills the day before my son was born. By the time I got back he was 22 days old and at the children's home society. They typically give 8 weeks for you to terminate the adoption procedure, so I had 5 weeks to decide whether we were going to keep him or not. AT that point, with all that I had been through the past several months, I just needed space and took off for the BWCA... near Beaver bay I fell asleep and hit the rock wall.. I was very lucky I didn't go down a ravine...

It was actually kind of funny, I called my dad in ST.Paul at work and said, "What ya doin'". He said, "workin". I said, "wanna go fishin". He said, "sure, when you wanna go". I said, "how about right now, I've got some time off and I wanna go to the boundary waters. Can you pick me up? I'm in beaver bay He left right then and was up there by 7pm... Was probably the best fishing trip I've ever been on. I asked my Dad whether I should keep my son... and he said "What's mine, is mine" That's it.

Yeah, it was a very rough year. Concerning your situation... The second breakup was worse than the first in that I had to think about the children and the whole family issue, as well as missing Annette. The first was tougher in that, I didn't know why, and it ate at me. You have the worst of both situations. I know when I was broke up with her, thoughts of her consumed me. I could think of nothing else. I realize now, that when you are apart from someone, you remember only the good things and tend to forget the bad. I am glad that we're married, but there are many many days that I wish we weren't. I guess all marriages are like that... it's just whether the good days outweigh the bad.

I enjoy reading everyone's posts. I like the guys advice that you will think about her every 5 minutes for a while, and sooner or later it will be 10. And then once an hour and then a couple times a day and then once a week...and pretty soon you won't feel angry anymore.

In regards to the comment about men always being the same, ya get what you see... I often think I would've been happier, if I had married my brother... We always have a good time, we both have a good sense of humor... and we would've had a better household income Good Luck Dobber...

Find something that is very physically and mentally demanding/challenging and poor your heart and soul into it.

[analyzer]

When I was a kid, whenever there was cake or pie, my father would let someone split cake, but that person got the last piece. The dessert was always split well.

My brother divorced a year or so ago. Wife cheating endlessly. He forgave her for a while but she never gave up her other men... anyway.

My brother had watched my parents spend 30-40 G on Lawyers and didn't want to make the same mistake...

He split the cake and gave her first choice.

You can have the house, the kids, the truck, the furniture, the bills

or you can have the car, no bills, no child support, and walk...

He would have honestly taken either choice, he would have loved to walk free as well, but he knew she didn't really want to be a mom and would take that selection...The sad thing is, in reality, he couldn't take that one, because the state would force him to pay cs...

Nevertheless, she walked.

There isn't a week goes by that she doesnt dam about getting screwed; that he has a $350,000 house (it's really worth $275 and it was about $195 at the time of the divorce )and she should have it and he should be paying her child support.

She doesn't give a **** about those kids, it's just about the money...

Here's the real kicker, not only does she not pay him support, whenever she does spend anything...ANYTHING... on those kids, she brings him the receipt and he pays it.
He does that so he can avoid going to court over custody.

He often wishes he could have her deal, but he knows the kids are better off with him...

In general I see some commonalities....

If the men get the kids, she doesn't pay.
If she gets the kids, she's willing to give them back to the dad when they're 17 and have become a pain in the A$$ and the support is going to run out...

What a piece of dump...

Oh BTW, I've talked to divorce attorneys before and have heard many of them say...A man in Dakota county has 0 chance.