Anybody know any clean jokes?

[ladyluck]

LOL! ok. Battle of the Jokes Round II, all competitors welcome. (this reminds me of a M*A*S*H episode)

The Rooster

A farmer has 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, and says........

"Shhhh! They're getting closer

[The_Duckslayer]

Deer Camp- I love this one!

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They

decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the

whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next

morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so

loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football

player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright

eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into

bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

--------------------

It was October, and the Indians on a remote

reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter

was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never

been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the

sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be

like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his

tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and

that the members of the village should collect

firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he

got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National

Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going

to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"

the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to

collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service

again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a

very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again

replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered

them to collect every scrap of firewood they could

find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather

Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the

winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and

more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters

ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting

firewood like crazy."

Take care and N Joy the Hunt././Jimbo

[Stiff]

As a new bride, Aunt Dottie moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Ed left the box alone, until Aunt Dottie was old and dying. When he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might old something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Ed was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the 82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[ladyluck]

Hy-larious, duckslayer! I love this thread.

[ladyluck]

hahaha... that's probably really good advice! Reminds me of another joke, let's see if I can remember it. Stop me if you heard this one.

Bob and Judy got married on a sunny day in August. Their's was a very traditional courtship, and Bob was delighted to discover on their wedding night that Judy was still a virgin. Afterwards, Judy smiled and sweetly asked him for $50. Bob was surprised, but he was very content and immediately complied. From that day forward, whenever Bob and Judy made love, afterwards she would ask him for $50. This came to irritate Bob and he grew very resentful, but he never said no. Times were tough, and it seemed like they were always just squeeking by. One day Bob came home with some bad news. He had been laid off from his job of 30 years. In fact, the industry was drying up and it was not likely that he would be able to find another job in his field. As he sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, Judy disappeared for a few minutes into the study and came out with a letter and handed it to Bob. It was a bank statement that Bob had never seen before for $200,000.

Bobwas flabbergasted. "Where did you get this?" he asked incredulously.

With a smile Judy responded, "Well darling, you know how I always asked you for $50 everytime we made love? Well I invested the money myself and this is the result!"

Bob was eyes filled with tears of joy. He jumped up and hugged Judy tightly. He exclaimed, "oh Judy! If I knew you were doing that with the money, I would have given you ALL my business!"

Bob is recovering at Saint Mercy Hospital in Florida.

[BigWadeS]

That one is great...

[ladyluck]

Thank ye kindly, BigWade, this for you.

Headhunter

A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop it would be very bad".

The drums continued for 3 days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary calls out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."

[Stiff]

Head Hunters you say....

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

[BigWadeS]

This is one that's okay, but have to dig into my joke piles to find clean ones but here it goes...

Ole and Lena are leaving town going on vacation. As they are driving they drive by Sven's house and Ole see's a sign that says, "BOAT FOR SALE," Ole goes about another mile stops the car and Lena says, "Ole what are you doing?" Ole says, Lena I've know Sven all my life, he has a sign says boat for sale, he has never owned a boat. I need to see what is going!" Ole drives up to Sven's house, knocks on the door...Ole ask's Sven, "what's your sign all about, you've never owned a boat!"

Sven says, "Ole...you see my ol Ford Pick-up out there?"

Ole Says, "yeah, sure"

Sven...Ole you see my ol John Deere Tractor out there?"

Ole says, "well, yeah sure you betcha!"

Sven says..."OLE, there boat for sale!"

[Stiff]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only a few wraps of Glad Wrap around his waist.

The shrink looks up and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[BigWadeS]

awesome Stiff

[Stiff]

Thanks so much -

Ironically, I was trying to find the one about Lena selling off a Dump Truck and Combine (following Ole's death) with a sign that reads "Boat for Sale".... right when you posted yours.

[Stiff]

YOU ARE FROM RURAL MINNESOTA IF....

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.

You can recognize someone from Iowa by their driving.

You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you do not immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair .

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

Football, Deer Hunting & Opening Fishing schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

Saturday you go the local bowling ally.

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

You have driven your car on a lake.

You can make sense out of the word "upnort" and "batree. "

You always believed that vacation meant "going up North."

At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey poky and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what she means.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

Pop is not only what you call your dad, but is the ONLY name for soda.

[ladyluck]

that one made me blush! Also, I'm not sure the headhunter joke qualifies as clean........

[ladyluck]

haha i like that one. it's amazing how many funny clean jokes there really are. Its good to expand our repertoires.

[Stiff]

My apologies.... I'll try to keep them out of the "grey area".... even though they are my favorites.

[ladyluck]

yeah they're my fave too. i didn't actually blush. Did you get my comment about your headhunter joke?!

[BigWadeS]

here's one I got from one of my daughters shows she watches (warning is she is 2)

Knock Knock...

Who's there....?

Doris....

Doris who...?

Doris shut that's why I knocked!

[Stiff]

Wade, That one caught me just right - Nice.

Ladyluck - Yup, I caught it... But as they say - "it's a family show"

[BigWadeS]

Yeah that one cracks me up eventhough the simplicity of it, anyway shoot the grey and "not clean" one's into my email as well....

[ladyluck]

Wade... my kids'll love that one! Heard another cute one at lunch today but now I can't remember it

Not entirely sure what "grey area" encompasses, but sure, I'll take some of those too. My email is [email protected]. I'd say there is a fine between grey, black and white, and red all over.

[ladyluck]

Quote:

---

YOU ARE FROM RURAL MINNESOTA IF....

---

Man.... every single one of these rang true. I gotta get out of this state.

[ladyluck]

Hope this doesn't offend anybody.....

Dictionary of Guy-Speak

"It's a guy thing." really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

* "Can I help with dinner?" really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

* "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

* "It would take too long to explain." really means... "I have no idea how it works."

* "I'm getting more exercise lately." really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

* "We're going to be late." really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

* "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

* "That's interesting, dear." really means... "Are you still talking?"

* "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."

* "That's women's work." really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

* "You know how bad my memory is." really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

* "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

* "I do help around the house." really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

* "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. "Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

* "I can't find it." really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless*

Back

* "I heard you." really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."

* "You look terrific." really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

* "I missed you." really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

* "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

* "I don't need to read the instructions." really means... "I am perfectly capable of messing up without printed help.

[tunrevir]

Did you hear about the farmer that lost his gum in the chicken coop? He thought he found it three or four different times!

Tunrevir~

[Stiff]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, yes - I guess I am... I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."

Then he added, "What are you?".

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping their drinks in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."