Anybody know any clean jokes?

[UdeLakeTom]

Now that is a groaner!!

[papabear]

the Togo police caught a pair of Finnish peeping toms last week names:

Oivo Peekinin and Toivo Lukenin

[UdeLakeTom]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town, and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how aboutgiving a Senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dumb jerk.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a bigger jerk.

He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to ha ve a little fun each day now that we're retired.

[fish-n-fool]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is celebrate."

[fish-n-fool]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[fish-n-fool]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

[fish-n-fool]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Beemer, and he'll supply all of your clothes .

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom-furnished apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year, including expenses."

The guy says, "You're bull ******** me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[fish-n-fool]

Home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing veggies by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your signigicant other about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of Exlax, then you will be afraid to cough.

[fish-n-fool]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

[Cooter]

Quote:

Two new members of a hunting lodge are introduced to its oldest member. They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting storys. "Well back in 1944",says the old man."we were big game hunting and we wern't having much luck at first,When while I was standing by this tree, This big lion jumped out and roared at me,RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!!!!!! Well I just [PoorWordUsage] my pants", says the old man. The two young men are amazed. One of them says," I don't blame you, I'd [PoorWordUsage] in my pants to if a lion jumped at me like that". The old man shakes his head and says,"No No, not then. Just now when I yelled RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!

LOL, good one!

[fish-n-fool]

The Swiss had three hundred years without a war.

Pretty impressive.

Also pretty lucky for them.

Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?

Not much of a weapon there.

Corkscrew.

Bottle opener. And the scenario would be...

"Come on, buddy, let's go.

If you get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.

And if you back off. I've got the toenail clippers right here."

Sounds like a real scary battle, doesn't it??

[UdeLakeTom]

Just maybe thats how all wars should have been.

[fish-n-fool]

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.

"What do you want?" asks the owner.

"I want a beer," says the snail.

"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go away!"

The snail begs and pleads for a beer.

The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.

ONE YEAR LATER....

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.

"What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.

[fish-n-fool]

A small guy is drinking beer and All of a sudden another punches him and says "Karate chop from Japan."

The small guy gets up and moves away. The same guy comes again and throws him. He then says "Judo throw from China".

The small guy goes out and is gone for an hour. He comes back knocks the guy out, and tells the bartender "When he comes to, tell him a crowbar from Sears."

[fish-n-fool]

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

[fish-n-fool]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[fish-n-fool]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f****** Indians.'"

[fish-n-fool]

They've closed a road to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe near where I live.

The actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, so a lot of drivers go to see if the road is really closed and then have to turn in the narrow road.

Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED" sign, which reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"

[fish-n-fool]

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's a$$, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

[fish-n-fool]

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up.

"What can I do fer ya'll?" the attendant asked.

"Fill it with supreme," the man said.

While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."

"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments..."

"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."

"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.

"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.

"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.

"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

[fish-n-fool]

An Italian Recounts His Visit To The U.S.

One day Ima go to New York to a Bigga Hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pis$ toast. She branga me only onea pis$. I tell her I wanna two pis$. She say go to the toilet, I say no understand. I wanna two pis$ on the plate. She say you better no pis$ on the plate you sonna ma beetch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma beetch.

Later, I go to eat soma lunch at the Drake Restaurant, the waitress bring me a spoon, and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma beetch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma beetch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me go to the toliet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma beetch, I don't even know the man ana he call me a sonna beetch.

I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say pis$ onna you too, You Sonna Ma Beetch! I Go Back To Italy!

[UdeLakeTom]

A cowboy named Ben was overseeing his herd in a remotemountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-newBMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window andasked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows andcalves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Ben looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebookcomputer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls upa GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which hethen feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area inan ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in AdobePhotoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot thatthe image has been processed and the data stored. He thenaccesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excelspreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to thecowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Ben. He watches the young man select one of the animals and lookson with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunkof his car. Then Ben says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell youexactly what your business is, will you give me back mycalf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,"Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Ben. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did youguess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed uphere even though nobody called you; you want to get paidfor an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying toshow me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't knowa thing about how working people make a living - or aboutcows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .... Now give me back my dog

[fish-n-fool]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty for days. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're both single. Just let it go..."

And at times he would.

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave...

Dave...

Dave...

You're a Veterinarian.

[fish-n-fool]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[fish-n-fool]

MONDAY:

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:

Bob wanted fruitsalad for supper. The recipe said to serve without dressing. So I didnt dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:

A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I cant say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said to prepare ingredients then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling in the garden.

FRIDAY:

I found an easy recipe foor cookies.It said to put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:

Bob did the shopping today and brought home some chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday( oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:

Bobs folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger to my dissappoinment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.

This has been a very exiting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.