Trolling Humor

[Guest]

After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live
alone so her family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?

Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except....they won't let you fart."

------------------
Backwater Eddy..><,sUMo,>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://home.talkcity.com/ResortRd/backwtr1/index.html

[fishinphyl]

Too funny!

------------------
Phyl

[Maryjl]

Good Joke Eddy My oldest daughter is a Nurse in a Nursing Home I can't wait to tell her this one she will love it. I can just see her now every time some one leans over a little bit in their wheel chairs. She will think of this joke and have a hard time keeping a straight face. A little hummor is good some times in her line of work.

<><Mary><>

[Guest]

A giggle a day keeps the Dr. away.

Keep a smile'n!

------------------
Backwater Eddy..><,sUMo,>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://home.talkcity.com/ResortRd/backwtr1/index.html

[Guest]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,having a smoke, when it
started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Backwater Eddy...><sUMo>

[Maryjl]

ROTFLMAO Very Funny

[Maryjl]

Subject: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George
said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've
just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police
caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George:
"I thought you said that you'd shot them! George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)

[Guest]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory. The personnel manager explains her duties,
and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts complaining about the new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the
whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he said "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday? Your job is to give Elmo two TEST tickles."

Backwater Eddy...><sUMo>

[Maryjl]

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling
and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her
husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what
was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You one-who-thinks-I-am-silly, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
listening, he will still get it wrong

[Guest]

A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The redneck replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Backwater Eddy...><sUMo>

------------------
Backwater Eddy..><,sUMo,>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://fishingminnesota.com/ed-on-the-red

[fishinphyl]

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you
time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep soundly every night,
THEN ...
You are probably the family dog.

This is definitely my "Ms. Gidget" but would like to add:
If you can patiently sit at your master's feet while they play on the darn computer instead of holding you.

My goal in life is to someday be the kind of person Ms. Gidget thinks I am.

------------------
Phyl

[Maryjl]

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming".
Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern...it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head inbewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[fishinphyl]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the
waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?", he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."

------------------
Phyl

[Flashman]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down
for a little fireside chat...... He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are too big, I can't wear them". So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me…" So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine." "So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your crappy attitude, you never will."

[Guest]

*The Preacher's Donkey*

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that his
donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man.

The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

------------------
Backwater Eddy..><,sUMo,>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://fishingminnesota.com/ed-on-the-red

[fishinphyl]

Too funny guys!

------------------
Phyl

[Guest]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars !

"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but
I’ll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to
show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive !!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

------------------
Backwater Eddy..><,sUMo,>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://fishingminnesota.com/ed-on-the-red

[fishinphyl]

The CIA had an opening for an Assassin. After rigorous training and
testing, three applicants were left. Two men and a woman.For the final
test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her! "The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction,to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This
gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

------------------
Phyl

[fishinphyl]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when
he notices a
little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is
wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The
fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

------------------
Phyl

[DARK30]

> Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar
> but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
>
> "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into
> his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
>
> "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
>
> "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
> "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
>
> "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box,"said Ole.
>
> "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.
>
> Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me
> vun vish?"
>
> "Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
>
> And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there
> waiting for his million bucks.
>
> Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
> overhead is heard!
>
> Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
>
> Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do
> yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
>
>

------------------
cast,cast,cast,cast......

[fishinphyl]

On a tour of Wisconsin, the Pope took a couple of days off his
> itinerary
> >> to visit Lake Superior on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4
> >Popemobile
> >> was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an
enormous
> >> commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it
was
> and
> >> upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a
hapless man
> >> >wearing a Minnesota Vikings football jersey, struggling
frantically to
> >> free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon.
> >> >
> >> >At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Green Bay
> Packer
> >> football jerseys roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously,
> >one
> >> of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon' ribs,
> >> immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled
the
> >> Minnesota man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the
fish
> to
> >> death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat
> along
> >> with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when
they
> >heard
> >> frantic shouting from the shore.
> >> >
> >> >It was the Pope. He summoned them to the beach. After they
reached
> shore,
> >> the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you
my
> >> blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some
> bitter
> >> hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Minnesota, but now I
have
> seen
> >> with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is
a
> truly
> >> enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on
which
> >> other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a
> cloud
> >of
> >> dust.
> >> >
> >> >As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
> >> >
> >> >"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
> contact
> >> with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.
> >> >
> >> >"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon
> fishing.
> >> How is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

------------------
Phyl

[fishinphyl]

Subject: Little John

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were
very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my
obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45
and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them
abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her
breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and
dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467,"
he said.

"$2,467 ! " cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?""I found the busiest corner in town,"
said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand.
I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They
all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like ****! Then I would say,
It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

------------------
Phyl

[Guest]

At a boat ramp to a big lake Up North, a kid has set up fillet station, and cleans catches for a quarter each. A DNR Conservation Officer stops by to chat and make sure he leaves an inch of skin. After a bit, an old man comes in with a stringer absolutely full of legal limits - all species - and tosses 'em down on the counter.
"Did it again, I see Pops." says the boy.
"Ayuh. Did it agin."
The CO looks at the old man in amazement - "Sir, you must know this lake like the bak of yer hand! Will you guide me tomorrow? It's my day off, and I'd like to catch some of those!"
"You bet. Right here at 6:00" says the old man, and they part ways.
Next morning they meet and go out. The old man goes to the most remote section of lake, and after carefully graphing an area, stops the boat and throws out the drift socks."30 feet, and lots of fish". While the CO is tying up a jig, the old man reaches into his tackle box, pulls out a stick of TNT, counts off 30" of fuse, ties it to a big sinker, lights it and drops it in. After 30 seconds, there's a big boom, lots of bubbles, and a huge mess of stunned fish float up. The old man nets 'em, measures 'em, keeps his limit and throws te rest back. The CO is shocked.
"Why..umm..uh...That's the most illegal thing I've ever seen!! I'm gonna have to arrest you!" He says, and reaches for his cuffs.
The old man goes into his box, pulls out another stick, counts off 6" of fuse, ties it to a sinker, lights it, puts it in the CO's lap and says -
"So, ya gonna fish with me, or arrest me?"

[fishinphyl]

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on at about 11 am it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife "Are you OK? Where are you?" He said, "What do you mean? I'm in my office of course!"

------------------
Phyl

[Fish Toys]

A late one but?
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was
finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He
said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that
she was pregnant.

"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most
definitely pregnant.

She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the phone and
dialed the private line in the Oval Office.

When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe
it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"

The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't
you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"

Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"
LOL!
"FISH"
www.icesaws.com

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http://www.icesaws.com/