Divorce / Custody

[walleye vision]

Things at home have been really rough lately, and the wife is driving me bonkers. I think she has a severe case of depression or may even be bipolar. I'm constantly getting yelled at for trivial stuff. She refuses to talk to anyone and seek help, stating she'd rather split up before doing that. She is extremely hard headed and says counselling if for weak people. The bad news is we have a 9 month old child. She is great with the child, but is a terrible example of respect in a relationship (the way she treats me).

I'd be long gone except for our kid. I'm afraid that if we get a divorce, she'll get custody and I'll never see her again (she's from the east coast and WILL move back). If we were to get a divorce, and we would each get partial custody, could she move out of state and take our child with her? If I could get partial custody and have the child stay in the state I'd be elated. The last thing I want is not to see my daughter.

Anyone have any advice or experience with Minnesota divorce and custody laws? While I"m at it, any lawyer recommendations?

I really appreciate any help, I'm going nuts thinking about life without my child.

[Brad B]

walleye vision,

email me at shadluckace@yahoo and I will give you the contact info and the rates.

[Ed Carlson]

Ed,

To answer your questions: Some days she says she wants to be apart, and others not. I've been trying to make it work and still do. I'm holding out hope that I don't have to go down that road, but I must protect my interest with my kiddo if we have to. I'm willing/trying to make things work, she simply sees herself as perfect and thinks there is nothing wrong with her. It is hard coming home from work and getting screamed at for trivial things such as asking her to repeat herself if I didn't hear her, putting out an extra set of napkins for dinner because I didn't see she already did it, etc etc. It is a toxic environment for our child, and she doesn't care.

Brad,

Would you recommend your attorney? If so, could you pass along their contact info. Btw, great to hear that you got as much custody as you did.

If you feel your acting reasonable and she is overacting without reason, than you need to find out why.

You need her to find a way to see that she is lashing out and then wish to seek some medical screening or counseling for it on her own.

She needs to be willing to sit down at the table, before you are. Once willing to do so, you and her together may find the source of the fuel behind this fire and the real reasons for the defensive behavior and lashing out.

It is not unheard of to record such toxic interpersonal interactions without her knowledge, but don't pick a fight to do it, let it happen as it would under it's own accord. Than latter ask her to listen to the recordings alone, this can put perspective into things and also allow her to hear herself and you interact.

This communications tool is not to be used as a weapon, but as a tool to gain perspective and self examination. It often can trigger the response to seek help, or adjust behaviors. A common counseling method, and for some it can turn the tide on defensive interpersonal communication patterns and relationships.

[Shack]

Good points Ed

What ever you do, (IMO) "I" would not let on that you have talked to a lawyer! Especially if you are just finding things out and trying to work it. If you get in a argument, I would resist from bringing it up!

If I was having a rough period with my wife and I found out she was seeking legal advice, the game would change. I feel if my wife found out I was seeking legal advice about divorce, it would back fire big time, and I would be at a hotel/motel Holiday Inn

[upnorth]

OK...I normally won't get into this kind of stuff. But I do have an opinion.

Too often today we treat others as disposable, we aren't happy with their actions or what we get from them so we throw them aside and leave them in the dust. Back in 1976 my wife and I stood before a minister and said we would stay committed to each other through good times and bad. We have done that. And believe me there has been plenty of bad, both from her and I, alot me. Has there been periods when I thought behavior insane, yep and some of it probably was and it was not for a day or two. I am pretty dang sure she thought I went off the deep end a couple of times too. Sometime we just have to let the other be a little nutz at times. We can never know exactly what they are going through. A little understanding goes a very long way.

There were stretches where we didn't hardly speak other than to yell at each other that lasted for weeks(poor kids), but we stayed committed to each other. We always made it through. Patience and Tolerance of each other is key. Remembering we aren't perfect either goes along way to forgiving someone else's faults. Sometimes it is best to try to actually spoil your spouse. Attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.

Today we have a very strong relationship and a good part of it was working through those issues.