Trolling Humor

[fishinphyl]

Subject: Be Nice To Your Nurse !!
Always Be Nice To Your Nurse !!

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse,
even when you're feeling miserable.
A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering
his nurses around as if they were his employees.
But the head nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the
thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on
her way out, and he cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour,
the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

------------------
Phyl

[icehousebob]

The sad day came when Ole finally died. Lena called the weekly paper and asked,"How much to put a notice in the paper?' The editer told her it was twenty cents a word. Lena told him, Put in your paper,OLE DIED". The editer told her "We have a one dollar minimun, you can have five words for the same price as two". Lena thought for a moment and said,"Put in your paper,OLE DIED, BOAT FOR SALE'

[Fish Toys]

A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office
depended suddenly went down. They tried everything
but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call
in a high-powered computer consultant.

He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small
hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer
leapt back to life. Two days later the office manager
received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.

Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One
thousand dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only
here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!"

The next day the new bill arrived. It read,
Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999
===========================================

I know nobody has puter problems???? LOL
"FISH"

------------------
http://www.icesaws.com/

[fishinphyl]

>>>Inspectors...
>>>
>>>Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have
>>>arrived in Iraq? They're all men!
>>>How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find
>>>Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to
>>>finding things.
>>>For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper.
>>>Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and
>>>splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq
>>>to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?
>>>
>>>I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
>>>Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of
>>>dope.
>>>Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath
>>>the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.
>>>They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice
>>>when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.
>>>A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the
>>>front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.
>>>By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock
>>>Holmes.
>>>And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's
>>>eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
>>>
>>>So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team,
>>why
>>>are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to
>>>scout out hidden threats?
>>>
>>>My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab
>>>Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have
>>>any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to
>>>her.
>>>She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose
>>>into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
>>>Whap!
>>>Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap!
>>>And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon,
>>>then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad.
>>>He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every
>>>lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole dang summer.
>>>
>>>Inspectors my butt... You want the job done? Call my mother.
>>>

[Fish Toys]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, sliver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and the father were watching with amazement, a really fat older lady walked up to the silver moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened up and the lady walked into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde women stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

------------------
http://www.icesaws.com/

[Guest]

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which is further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
 A "don't remind me again" button.
 Minimize button.
 Ability to delete the "headache" file
 An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources.
 An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!

Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help?

[fishinphyl]

A message from the rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will! be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an one-who-thinks-I-am-silly.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 &35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an one-who-thinks-I-am-silly...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit.

------------------
Phyl

[Buckets]

Great Jokes !

So have you heard ~~

They say they've found a lost book of Genisis. It seems that Adam was the Original Cheapskate.
In it God asks Adam if everything is OK.

Adam said yes , everything was wonderful and great except he's been a little lonely .

God said Adam don't worry I'm going to make a woman for you.

Oh said Adam , What's a woman ??

God said a woman will be your best friend,
she will keep you warm
she will give you children
she will help you gather food
she will>> and the list went on and on

Adam said this Woman sounds Great but what will she cost me ??

God said, well she will cost you a arm and a leg.

Adam replied, What can I get for a rib ?

when they don't bite talk em into it!> ));>

[fishinphyl]

This is pretty neat how it works out.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST
It takes less than a minute............
Work this out as you read.
Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it!
This is fun.

1. First! of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like
to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the
calculator.....................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753... If you
haven't add 1752.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how many times you want to eat out each week.)

The next two numbers are..

YOUR AGE! (OH YES, it IS!!!!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT
AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT.

------------------
Phyl

[fishinphyl]

This is pretty neat how it works out.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST
It takes less than a minute............
Work this out as you read.
Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it!
This is fun.

1. First! of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like
to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the
calculator.....................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753... If you
haven't add 1752.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how many times you want to eat out each week.)

The next two numbers are..

YOUR AGE! (OH YES, it IS!!!!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT
AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT.

------------------
Phyl

[Buckets]

Phyl, pretty good , I used to know a card trick that worked something like that, it was awe-some too , probably not to a math wiz though..

So did you hear about the Duck ? It's my faveorite I think.

A Duck walked into a restraunt early one morning .
A big freindly gal behind the counter says "can I help you duck" ??

He says do you have any duck feed ?

No sorry duck we don't have duck feed.

Ok says the duck and he leaves.

The very next day at 6am the duck is back and the same big friendly waitress greets him . Good morning can I help you ??

Do you have any duck feed today?

No sorry Duck we Don't have Duck Feed .

Ok, he's gone again.

The 3rd day and the same duck come's into the same resturant with the same but not so friendly waitress. What'll it be today .

Do you have any duck feed today ??

Listen Duck WE don't have Duck Feeed , We didn't have it yesterday oR the day before and we won't have it tomarrow either AND if you come back here anymore asking for dUck feed I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor and this is where you'll Stay !!

QUAK QUAK QUAK the duck takes off in a flutter !!

THe 4th day, 6am ,here come's that Duck .
He sticks his yellow head through the door and as the Big waitress glares at him he ask's, "do you have any nails here??

NO this ain't a hardware store !

Got any duck feed ?

the moral of the story is
you gotta watch out for those nails and persistance might pay off (;

[engr693]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is anyone else in your house?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now very alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "me."

The fishin' engineer...Fish On!

[Guest]

"SKOAL"

Prior to her trip to Texas, "Buffy", a New Yorker, confided to her sorority sisters that she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas barbecue, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" "And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes!

Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well......tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

"Piggy's are my business, and business is good"

><,sUMo,>

------------------
Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

Backwater Guiding "ED on the RED"
701-281-2300
[email protected]

[Guest]

OH to sleep......
(Humor..Kinda)

Recently I have been working a long series of 12-14 hour night shifts on the sugar beet harvest here in the Red River Valley. Due to an unusual fall heat wave the work schedule has been halted temporarily. So we all get a much needed and deserved break. This allows for the chance to catch up on some sleep. Oh, If it was just that easy.

Adjusting to sleeping during the day can be a challenge. Although after a few long nights you just pass out and sleep comes easy and quickly. More of planned a coma then real sleep. Nothing much will bug you then, not the neighbors’ 200 hp lawn mower, with no muffler, or the D-9 cat idling outside your window, or the pile driver driving pilings at the bridge across the road all day long. You can adjust to that, no big deal. But nature can be the real problem, a problem that may led to drastic measures. Measures that place you in a moral dilemma.

After addressing all them little details one falls behind on when working nights I finally get to wonder into the bedroom to catch them precious lost Z’s. Pull the shades, turn on the most boring talk show on the FM dial I can find (BBC news works wonders) and slip in between them cool sheets like a bear in his winter den. No worries Eh, just close your eyes, and sleep.

After about 20 deep breaths I am just on the edge of blessed stupor when a fly lands on my ear. BUZZZ. Swish…start over again Ed, relax go to sleep. BUZZZZZ..left eye this time………swish…swat….start over…snort…cough…grumble.

BUZZZZZZ……BUZZZZZ…ZOOOM..BUZZZ…ZIP.. SPLOOT..WRRRRRR…right nostril…..snort..snort…swish…swat….kick….@%#$ fly. OK…relax, just go to sleep Ed.

BUZZZZZZ…….BUZZZZZZ..BUZZZZZZZ….BUZZZZ….SHUT…UP! SHUT Up… SHUT Up SHUT Up SHUT Up SHUT Up you ^&& #%# fly, I’m a warning ya, leave me the @^%^ alone!

This continues for about an hour. By now I have abandoned all hope of sleep and just lay there expecting the next BUZZZ by this sadistic fly. In between Buzz attacks the fly lands on the ceiling above my bed, and plans his next attack. I know, because I watched him out of one eye, he is a devious conniving terrorist. His sniper tactics have now grown weary.

Ya know, normally I am an easygoing kinda guy, live and let live Eh, but this fly has long since done crossed my line. If he is this brave while I am still awake, I now fear for my life if I do fall asleep.

I must kill the fly; it is obviously a matter of self-preservation. It’s now him, or me.

The fly apparently has slipped into sleep himself, he has been motionless on the ceiling for Oh..ten minutes now. Time to go into action. I slip stealthily out from under the sheets and slowly creep out into the hallway leading into the kitchen.

I search my utility closet for the fly swatter I planed to use for my assassination, but to know avail, it is nowhere to be found. A second weapon of choice avails itself, a large yellow latex rubber glove. The weight and flexibility feels about right, and should make for a good SPLAT when I ambush the jerk.

Ha.Ha..Ha.HaHa….Ha!

I peek around the bedroom door and I see the fly, still at rest above the bed on the ceiling. I creep in and stalk him with the careful footfalls of a cat. Once I get directly below him I wind up for the strike………ready……aim….”SPLAT”!

HA…..who’s da man now Eh!

Ya…baby….I’m da man!

Feeling exonerated and ready for sleep I slip back into my den glowing in my victory over the assassin terrorist fly. Several cleansing breaths and I am soon slipping blissfully back into blessed stupor.

When…I faintly hear..BUZZZZ…….BUZZZ……SKITTER-SKITTER……BUZZZZ..BUZZ….THUD…BUZZ…THUD…..BUZZ…THUMP.

My God, it is just as I feared. A much more insidious foe has emerged.

A sleeper cell of ladybugs has been activated!

If you kill one, ten more appear in its place.

Lord help me……………sigh!

Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

><,sUMo,>

[fishinphyl]

Hey Ed I have missed you lately. This is too funny! You should write a book.

I have those Asian lady bugs all over my house! I even found them in the refrigerator last night! My white drapes are covered with them. UGH

Oh well, it is better than snowbanks! Get some sleep Ed I hear you guys are starting up again this weekend.

------------------
Phyl

[Guest]

A PERFECT HOLIDAY GIFT...The "SEX FROG"

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs...Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)"

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:

(Sex Frog Instructions)

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed

Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with the frog. Nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

She calls and is told by the salesman, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes he is ringing her doorbell and
is welcomed in.

See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the darn thing just sits there."

He picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes.
"Now Listen to me froggy. I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah...all you galls out there...You can order your "SEX FROGGY" at www.BackwaterEddysSexFroggy.net

LOL!!!



Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

><,sUMo,>

[Guest]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a p-p-p-p-ush?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams
the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "I'm over here...on..on..on..on your swing."

------------------
Ed Carlson

Backwater Guiding

"ED on the RED"

><,sUMo,>

[Guest]

OLE, Sven, & LENA "Da Sequel"

OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip
they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand
on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
So Ole drove. to Duluth.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse,
he immediately threw in his watch and billfold.
He explained,
"I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and
an English woman in the Breast Stroke division
of an English Channel swim competition.
The French woman came in first, the
Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore
completely exhausted. After being revived with
blankets and coffee, she remarked,
"I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
two girls used der arms."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years
later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in
Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I
figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian.
"Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a
good ting ve didn't catch any more."

BAR RIDDLE
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While
in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him
in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have
a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you.
can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?"
"Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the Swede.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one
child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
Who was it?"
The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I
give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux
Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his
cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can
answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't,
YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It
vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."

FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she
had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his
habit of biting his nails.
"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"
"It vas really simple," was Lena's reply.
"I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92
and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the
porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted
Lena on her knee.
"Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
relations?" He asked.
"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena.
I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

THE BIRTHDAY GIFT
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few
weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole
and Lena are in bed and Ole answers.
"Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles
from here" he says and hangs up.
"Who vas dat?" asks Lena.
"I donno, some **** fool wanting to know if da coast was clear.

Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

><,sUMo,>

------------------
Ed Carlson

Backwater Guiding
"ED on the RED"
[email protected]
701-281-2300
><,sUMo,>

[CornPirateKiller]

Ole & Lena's Ranch.

Ole & Lena have a cattle ranch but it's failing. Their cattle are growing smaller and weaker so they call the vet. the vet examines the herd and tells them they need some new bloodlines to revive their herd. So Ole goes to his mattress and withdraws their savings. He gives the money to Lena and tells her.

"I haff to stay heer and mind da farm, Lena. Take da train to Da Moin an buy da best bull ya can at da auction. Den sen me a telegram an I'll drive down wit da truck an get ya both. If ya can't get a bull, let me know so's I can drive da Honda an save gas."

Lena agrees and heads to Iowa. She spots a fantastic bull, but the bidding goes higher than she expects and it leaves her with only a dollar in her pocket. She has the prize bull, though, to save the farm and heads to the telegraph office to let Ole know.

When she gets to the office, the man tells her that for a dollar, she can only send one word. Lena thinks and thinks. How can she let Ole know that she has the bull and that he should come get her? Finally, Lena smiles and returns to the counter at the telegraph office.

"Here's da wurd dat I vant to sen to Ole." she says proudly.

"Comfortable."

------------------
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

[Guest]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better Looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your Ar's kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real gode.

[Guest]

A gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, but stated there was a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"**** it Earl, for the fourth time, it's CHICKEN!"

(I just love this!)

------------------
BACKWATER GUIDING
701-281-2300
[email protected]
><,sUMo,>

[Guest]

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you one-who-thinks-I-am-silly," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went fishing one day.

He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?"

Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

------------------
BACKWATER GUIDING
701-281-2300
[email protected]
><,sUMo,>

[Guest]

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway Hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until the last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights' stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month.

Sven said, "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days."

Ole said, "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey vere sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looked at them both and said, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

------------------
Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson

Backwater Guiding
"ED on the RED"
[email protected]
><,sUMo,>

[Brian Jones]

A farmer brings home a new young rooster and puts him in the yard with the old rooster. The young rooster struts up to the old rooster and says "You may as well hit the road old man. I'm the new stud around here." "Look, says the old guy,how about you give me a couple of the old ladys and just let us hang out over in the corner of the yard . We'll stay out of your way. You'll never even know we're there". "No way old man!!" says the young guy. "Well, How about this, We'll have a race. Three times around the hen house. Winner takes all". The young rooster laughs. "You got it old man". "Just one thing", said the old fart, "Since I'm so old, you've got to give me a head start. Say, half a lap?" "No problem" said the young stud. So, at the count of three, the old man took off. As he reached the first corner, the young rooster started. At the end of the first lap, the young guy was starting to catch up. By the
end of the second lap, he was only a few steps behind, when, BLAM!!!!!!!!!. The farmer shot the new rooster. "****, third queer rooster I've bought this week."

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