Trolling Humor

[Maryjl]

So far so good the jokes have been cute and pretty clean. Just a reminder that this forum can be veiwed by children. So if it is something that you wouldn't want your kids to read don't post it. My self I like a good joke. Humor is good for the soul.

[Guest]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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<)/////><{
RobertC

[fishinphyl]

You know you live in 2002 when:
1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours
boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".

I know I am way too guilty of number 5!

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Phyl

[fishinphyl]

Application for Minnesotazenship
> >
> >
> >Personal Information:
> >
> > > Name ___________________son
> >
> > > Sex: ___ Ole ___ Lena
> >
> > > Home Address ________________
> > > Cabin Address ________________
> >
> > > Religion: _____ Lutheran ______ Catholic
> >
> > > Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed ____ None of your beeswax
>____
> >
> >Qualifications: (check all that apply)
> >
> > > ___ I own a gas powered ice auger.
> > > ___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
> > > ___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
> > > ___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
> > > ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
> > > ___ I liked it!
> > > ___ I've been to a block party.
> > > ___ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.
> > > ___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
> > > ___ I have a back up set of jumper cables in my trunk.
> > > ___ Despite what everyone else says I DON'T SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN
>ACCENT!
> >(For sure, you bet I don't.)
> >
> > True/ False:
> >
> > > ___ I actually listen to telemarketers.
> > > ___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
> > > ___ TV news anchors are celebrities.
> > > ___ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
> > > ___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.
> > > ___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
> > > ___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
> > > ___ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
> >
> > Multiple Choice:
> >
> > > It's time to wear a hat when.
> > > A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
> > > Your mother tells you to!
> > > C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
> >
> > Essay Questions:
> >
> >1. What "uff-da" means to me
> >____________________________________
> >
> >2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me
> >_____________________________
> >
> >You know you're from Minnesota when.....
> > >
> > > 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a
>tractor.
> > > 2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
> > > 3. You measure distance in hours.
> > > 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
> > > 5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
> > > 6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
> > > 7. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a
> >blizzard,
> >without flinching.
> > > 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
> > > 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
>both
> >doors
> >unlocked.
> > > 10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and
> >Leinenkugels.
> > > 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows
>how to
> >use
> >them.
> > > 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the
>grocery
> >store at
> >any given time.
> > > 13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow
>suit.
> > > 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
>filled with
> >snow.
> > > 15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.
> > > 16. You know all four seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter
>and
> >road
> >construction.
> > > 17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when
> >you're in
> >a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.
> > > 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
>your
> >friends
> >from Minnesota.
> >
> >
> >"Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if
>no
> >birds
> >sang except the best." — Anonymous
>

[Fish Toys]

Found this on another site and hope the link works.
http://users3.ev1.net/~jtclay/fishin.htm

If not you will have to copy and paste.
"FISH"

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[fishinphyl]

Funny!

------------------
Phyl

[Guest]

~ Gossip ~

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Ed, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Ed and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

Ed, a man of few words, stared at her
for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening...Ed quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.....and he left it there......all night.

------------------
Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson..><sUMo>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://ed-carlson.fishingbuddy.com

[LuckyFish]

Oh Man! I just read these jokes this is some of the funniest stuff I've read in years!! If my spelling is off it's because of the tears in my eyes. Thanks for the levity, great stuff! LOL ROTFLMAO

Lucky

[Guest]

OLE and his wife Lena one winters morning were sitting around the breakfast table, listening to KFGO on the radio, don't ja know.

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

So Lena, being a goot citizen, yumps up and goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through or you may get towed off."

Again Lena yumps up and goes out and moves her car so it wouldn't get towed off.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the KFGO radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park on...... then the electric power goes out, and the radio does dead.

Lena says, "OLE-OLE, Oh my…I don't know vut to do."

"Uf-Da-Uf-Da-Uf-Da" says OLE , "Ya know vut Lena, dis time hay, why don't you yust leave it in da garage?"

------------------
Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson..><sUMo>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://ed-carlson.fishingbuddy.com

[fishinphyl]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not >going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Phyl

[Fish Toys]

PARKING TICKET
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important!

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[LuckyFish]

Three women were on top of a burning building.A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. When some "rescuers" came with a large blanket, they told the women to jump into it. The brunette promptly jumped off the building. When she did the "rescuers" moved and she hit the ground. Thinking it a mistake, and the flames getting hotter the redhead also decided to jump. Same thing happened the supposed "rescuers" moved again she also hit the ground. Smelling a rat the blonde said "Oh no I'm not falling for that again you people set the blanket on the ground and step back before I jump".

[Guest]

~Just Ignore the parrot~

Mrs. Davis's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.

Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davis's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly %%@^ bird!”

"To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

------------------
Ed "Backwater Eddy" Carlson..><sUMo>

Backwater Guiding
"Ed on the RED"
(701)-281-2300

[email protected]

http://ed-carlson.fishingbuddy.com

[Fish Toys]

Anne meets up with Dana as she is picking her car
up from the mechanic.

Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried
that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was $12
worth of blinker fluid."

"FISH"
I know fishing ladies are smarter than Dana!

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[Guest]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.

"Uf Da 10 bucks Eh, Oh Well I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow and soon as I break this $50.00 dollar bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. The hundred is from Grandma."

[Fish Toys]

This one is for the youngsters that fish to much instead of doing some school work!

PREDICTING THE FUTURE

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one
look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home."

"FISH"

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[Stiff]

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern BC. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a fish policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. "That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Fish Toys]

Another old one but maybe someone hasn't seen this one?

33 AM >>Subject: FW: NEWS FLASH: OLE DIED >> >> >> > >> > >> > NEWS
FLASH: OLE DIED >> > >> > To those in North Dakota, Minnesota and for that
matter the rest >>of the >> > country, including Canada, I must report the
Sad News that Ole >>was >> > SHOT. >> > >> > He was up by the Canadian
border on his 4-wheeler cutting some >>trees >> > when some rangers looking
for terrorists spotted him. >> > >> > According to the news reports, the
rangers shouted to him over a >> > loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are
you doing?" >> > >> > Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is
survived by >>his wife >> > Lena and Lena's good friend, Lars.

Any comments about this DEN???
"FISH"

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[Fish Toys]

A father from Europe is visiting his son in America for the
very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up
and down the aisles.

Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?"

Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh orange juice!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says:
"Und vas dis, powdered milk?"

Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says:
"Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! Dey take da
fun outta making everyting!"

"FISH"

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[fishinphyl]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing
>for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
>resting on the seventh day.
>
>He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
>
>God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
>downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
>made."
>
>Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
>
>"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm
>going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
>balance."
>
>"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
>
>God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For
>example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
>and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the
>Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
>
>Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
>there is a continent of black people,"
>
>God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will
>be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
>covered in ice."
>
>The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large
>land mass and said, "What's that one?"
>
>"Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on
>earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling
>hills. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, in-
>telligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling
>the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and
>high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
>diplomats and carriers of peace."
>
>Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
>"What about balance,! God?" "You said there would be balance!"
>
>God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting
>around them in North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin and Canada

Okay guys this is just a joke! I use to live in ND. Of course I did move over to God's Country!

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Phyl

[Fish Toys]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught
a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed
him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he
snatched him up again and poured a little beer down
his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant
leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three
more worms.

"FISH"

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http://www.icesaws.com/

[Guest]

HA..That was a good one!

Ten top indicators that your employer has changed to a cheaper HMO

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to the Salvation Army last month.

4. The statement saying, "The patient is responsible for 200% of all out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them.

1. And the number 1 sign your healthcare provider is a "really cheap" HMO?..............You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

[email protected]

[This message has been edited by Backwater Eddy (edited 01-28-2003).]

[Guest]

Got a true funny story for you.

We are fortunate enough to have a place on the lake with about 150' of lakeshore. There had been an empty lot next to us until last summer when a middle-aged couple, no kids built a magnificent home, put in a fancy new dock, double decker pontoon, the whole works.

Well, one day my 12 year-old daughter and her friend decide to go canoeing. Right after they shove off from our beach and they get out far enough to see the neighbor's new dock, here is the new lady neighbor nude sun bathing on her dock! The 12 year-olds think this is "SSSOOOO GROSSSS" that they paddle right up to the neighbor and inform her that our lake is family rated and she should put her clothes on. Guess they made their point, she wrapped up and went in. They never did tell me what she said in reply and she has never talked to us since they moved in.

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Tight Lines

[fishinphyl]

Stock Market

Here's something that might help put the economy in perspective.

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00. And, if you bought $ 1,000.00 worth of Worldcom at $16 dollars
a share 1 year ago, it would now be worth $5.63.
Forget ENRON as it does not compute. That's a total of $54.63.

However, if you bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser or Miller Lite (the
beer, not the stock) @ $11.99 per case one year ago (83.4 cases) and drank
all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 5 cents per each aluminum can
deposit, you would have $100.

Therefore, I suggest that it is financially prudent in these troubled
times to drink heavily and recycle.

------------------
Phyl

[Fish Toys]

Good one fishinphyl but remember don't drink & drive or the figures will turn into a negative $$$$$$$$

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in
the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darndest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you
want the window open, do it yourself.

What were you thinking???????
"FISH"

[This message has been edited by Fish Toys (edited 02-10-2003).]