"Entertaining" Storytellers

[Aqua Eye]

It's late I know but somebody was telling me jokes tonight and I just had to share one that I hadn't heard before,......

A drunk walks in the front door of the bar and staggers his way to the counter to order a drink.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "No way am I serving you another drink, you have had enough already.It's time for you to leave." The drunk does as he's instructed and leaves only to return about an hour later through the side door. He again staggers up to the bar and orders a drink. This time the bartender says,.. "Hey! I thought I told you to get out of here! I'm not serving you!" So the drunk once again makes his way out of the bar only to return an hour later through the back door this time and staggers up to the counter and orders himself another drink. This time the bartender says to him,..." You are really beginning to tick me off!!! This is the last time I'm saying this,....I AM NOT SERVING YOU!!!!!
The drunk lifts his head to look at the bartender and says,..." Just how many bars do you own in this town?" -TROY

[Guest]

Not that funny but good effort/idea!

So Billy Bob comes in from fishing and the local warden see's him and his catch and tells Billy Bob that he is the best fisherman he has every seen and has got to take him out some time. So about a week later Billy Bob gets togather with the warden and they head out on the lake. Billy Bob lights a stick of Dynamite and throws it out in the water, as the warrdens eyes get big like saucers. The warden starts reaming out Billy Bob," What the @#%*! are are you doing? Don't you know I could take your boat and your truck and throw you in jail?" The warden is getting redder and redder as he is raking Billy Bob over the coals. But Billy Bob is as cool as cucumber, he lights another stick of Dynamite and hands it to the warden, "Do you wanna talk or do you wanna fish?".
You figure the ending, I'm guessing they had a good day of fishing

[hunt4food]

A warden finds a man fishing along the river bank with a full bucket of walleyes. He immediately tells the man that he is in big trouble since walleye season is closed. The man tells him that he did not catch these today. They are his pet walleyes and he just brought them down to the river for their daily swim. The warden can't believe it! He says that there is no way a walleye could be trained to come back after a swim. Being curious, he asks the man to dump them into the river and prove it. The man proceddes to show him. He dumps the walleyes into the river. About 5 minutes later, the warden says ok now call those fish back. the fisherman replies..........what fish?

[Aqua Eye]

Robbor-You mean to tell me you didn't like my joke?! What's up with that!!
I found it is a lot more difficult to write out a joke than it is to tell one,...and that's coming from a guy that struggles in that area too. Of course the hardest thing about joke telling is joke remembering for me.
I liked your presentation of an old favorite of mine as well. I must commend both you and hunt4food for your joke topic selection. Keeping with the "fishing" theme was a nice touch. Any more? TROY

[Guest]

Ya, you are right it is alot harder to write them and and be funny than to tell them.

[hunt4food]

Ole and Lars go out deer hunting. Ole shoots a deer and proceeds to field dress it. He is wondering why his buddy Lars hasn't come to see it yet. Finally, he walks over to see where Lars went. Lars is sitting on a stump with his pants down and it appears that he has fallen asleep while trying to take a dump. (he is pretty hung over from the night before) Ole goes back and gets the intestines from his freshly killed deer and sneaks over to Lars and places them behind the log without waking him. He then goes back to the cabin with his deer. About an hour later, Lars shows up looking worse than he did the night before. Ole asks him if he is ok. Lars replies....................................................... "yeah I am ok now. I am not drinking anymore though. I crapped my guts out there in the woods. Luckily I was able to find a stick and shove them all back in!!

[jt24]

Three drunks are sitting at a bar talking about the worst pain to indure. First guy says the worst pain is when you get one of those tiny paper cuts on your finger and every time you bend it it stings. Second guy says naw thats nothing. The worst pain is when you zip your johnson up in your zipper. The other guy says boy i guess that would hurt! Third guys says thats doesnt hurt! He says what hurts is you'll be out in the woods huntin and you go behind a tree to take a dump and you sit down in a bear trap and it clamps rite on your nads! The other guys say dam I bet that does hurt, he says no what hurts is when you run out of freaking chain!!

[kwkfsh]

Ole and Lena are at the neighborhood christmas party. Sven who lived down the block and has always had a bit crush on Lena is there also. After a couple of hours and numerous libations Ole notices that he has'nt seen Lena for a bit. After looking around the house a bit and not finding her, he comes to a room with the door closed. Well he opens the door a bit and lo and behold theres Lena and Sven rolling about on the floor. He takes a step back and exclaims, hey everybody take a look at this! Svens so drunk he thinks he me!!

[the big dipper]

Hey -- I liked the one about the trained walleyes and the bear trap!!

Ole's lifelong batchelor buddy Sven had never been too smooth with the ladies.Ole was pretty surprised when he and Swen stopped by the local bar one Saturday nite after ice fishing and the hottest young blond babe in the place started hitting on Swen and asked him to dance.

Ole asked the bartender "Who's that Gal? " Well he says she's new in town and every guy's been hitting on her like crazy, and then you two grubby old coots come in here and she takes a shine for Swen. He say's it's the ****dest thing he's ever seen.

Well pretty soon Swen fell head over heels in love with this gal and a few weeks later they announced that they were getting married.

A few nites later, Ole, (who'd gotten used to icefishing by himself since Swen had turned into DonJuan) hears a knock on the fish house door, and in comes Swen looking sadder and more depressed than he'd ever seen him before. " Wats da matter Swen?" Ole asks.
" Well", says Swen, "Dat woman I'm going to marry, I found out some awful bad things about her". " I found out she only wants me for my money".

"But Swen" - Ole says - "you're not rich, you don't have any money." "Ya I know dat", says Swen " she's stupid too "!!!

[Guest]

Ole and Swen were fishing on a bank.
Ole catches a fish and Swen asked whatcha got? Ole replies a perch! Swen asked they good eating? Ole says the best!
Swen in disgust mutters i never catch anything.All of a sudden Swen reels in this nice fish and asks Ole what the heck is it? Ole says it is a Walleyed Pike. Swen through the fish back and Ole went nuts,screaming why did you do that?
Swen replied just once i catch a decent fish and he's DRUNK!!

[hunt4food]

This one Saturday morning, a man gets up early, quietly leaving his
wife sleeping. He dresses quietly, gets his fishing gear out of the basement, and
goes out to his truck to drive to the lake. It is raining a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From
there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long.
So he puts his fishing gear back in the basement, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out
there is terrible."

She replies: "I know, and Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing?"

[This message has been edited by hunt4food (edited 12-02-2002).]

[Mankato-Ice-Man]

So Brett Favre and Daunte Cullpepper are setting in a bar one night and Daunte is giving Brett a ton of dump about how poorly he always plays against the Vikings. Brett took this for a while, and finally had enough. He had to think of something he could do to beat Daunte at. Favre thinks for a while then finally gets an idea. He would challange Daunte to an ice fishing contest.
The first saturday after the season is over, the two, along with a few team mates meet on a frozen lake and begin the contest.
After an hour, Daunte has 6 fish, Brett has none. Hmmm.... another hour, Daunte is up to 14 fish, Brett still has none. After yet another hour, Favre gets a little nervous as Daunte is up to 25 fish and he has none. Favre calls over Donald Driver and tells him Cullpepper HAS to be cheating and he needs to go over and watch for a while and report back.
About 15 minutes goes by and Driver comes back by Favre and says,"Brett, you were right! That Cullpepper IS cheating..... he is drilling holes in the ice!"

Like someone said... harder to type these then to tell them.

------------------
Born to Fish, Forced to Work!

[Guest]

One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. Jim was gettingvery jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no sooner than his hook hit the water, Jims pole began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat

[Mankato-Ice-Man]

Bump... too good not to see if we can keep it going....

------------------
Born to Fish, Forced to Work!

[Matt D]

One afternoon, Sven stops by his pal Ole's place to show him his new hunting rifle. While they're out behind the house admiring it Ole says, "Dis sure is a dandy rig ya got here, and dis new-fangled scope sure is sumtin'." "See if you can see all da way across da back forty ta my place Ole", Sven tells him. "Ya, I sure can, Sven. In fact I can see Lena tru da bedroom vindow, and it looks like Lars has dropped by ta pay a visit". "Can ya tell vat der talkin' about Ole?" "Vell Sven, dey ain't really talkin, an I'm not sure yer gonna like me tellin' ya vat der up to". With his face turning beet-red, Sven reaches in his pocket and pulls out two shells and says, "Ole, take dis here bullet an put it right betveen Lena's eyes, and den take dis udder bullet and put it right betveen Lars' legs". Ole pauses for a minute and then says, "Sven, I got some good news fer ya, ... it's only gonna take one bullet!"

(Sorry, it ain't a fishin' joke, but couldn't resist)

[bturck]

For those of you close to the northern border.

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. Black Pepper, or White Pepper? asked the concierge.
" Toilet pepper!" yelled the Quebecer

[student]

A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That's $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservior. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"

[Mankato-Ice-Man]

Did you hear the one about the split personality from Bronson lake who carried on wild stories on a fishing message board with himself....

Sorry. Pretty tired on hopped up on cold medicine... couldn't stop myself.

[This message has been edited by Mankato-Ice-Man (edited 12-04-2002).]

[hunt4food]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that
her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up
with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this
take?" she asks. "They'll grow
larger over a period of years.", he replies. The wife stops. "Why
do you think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts
grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt;
didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man...