Relationship Advice Needed for a Northwoods Girl

[BendnSend]

Dr. Phil aint got nothing on these answers!

[Eric Wettschreck]

I still say buy the dude a new auger and some rods and jigs and such.

If he digs it and takes ya back, cool. If not, hey, maybe he'll at least take ya fishing with his new stuff.

[delmuts]

"Dr. Phil aint got nothing on these answers"

yes he does! he gets paid for them!

[SmallieSweetie]

Quote:

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I dunno . If a relationship requires too much " work " or either person has to give up things they like in order to be with each other , the relationship is on shakey ground to begin with .... If you have to give up something you love to do to be with somebody then its going to be a relationship thats mainly based on what one person wants .

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Well MuskyCrazy...your post has definitly made me think in a different way and I really appreciate your comments on here. I agree that if a relationship is too much work it is probably not going to make it. But I disagree in the the statement that a relationship is doomed if either person has to give something up for other. In my particular relationship, all I ask for is to be his priority, to be love, and to be cherished. That means, in my view, that I should come before everything, except family. I'm not a demanding woman. All I want is to feel important and loved from him, but when he gives more attention and care to his friends than he does me...what am I suppose to think or feel? It's honestly painful. Tonight him and I had a conversation and I told him what I said above and that I need to see that he really does love me like he says he does. Maybe it's just to soon for him or he's worried about being hurt, but I was in his postion once, my heart was broken by him, and I took him back, fully knowing the risks and at that point he gave up alot of things to make it work. I know I can do the same. I guess, only time will tell what will happen now. The conversation unfortunatley ended abrubtly when I was about to lose composure. I don't know what will happnen now, but I told him again everything and that I just can't wait around anymore. It's seriously ripping my heart in pieces over and over again.

Well that's my update...thanks guys again for all your advice. It's nice to hear outside opinions.

[SmallieSweetie]

Quote:

---

I dunno . If a relationship requires too much " work " or either person has to give up things they like in order to be with each other , the relationship is on shakey ground to begin with .... If you have to give up something you love to do to be with somebody then its going to be a relationship thats mainly based on what one person wants .

---

Well MuskyCrazy...your post has definitly made me think in a different way and I really appreciate your comments on here. I agree that if a relationship is too much work it is probably not going to make it. But I disagree in the the statement that a relationship is doomed if either person has to give something up for other. In my particular relationship, all I ask for is to be his priority, to be love, and to be cherished. That means, in my view, that I should come before everything, except family. I'm not a demanding woman. All I want is to feel important and loved from him, but when he gives more attention and care to his friends than he does me...what am I suppose to think or feel? It's honestly painful. Tonight him and I had a conversation and I told him what I said above and that I need to see that he really does love me like he says he does. Maybe it's just to soon for him or he's worried about being hurt, but I was in his postion once, my heart was broken by him, and I took him back, fully knowing the risks and at that point he gave up alot of things to make it work. I know I can do the same. I guess, only time will tell what will happen now. The conversation unfortunatley ended abrubtly when I was about to lose composure. I don't know what will happnen now, but I told him again everything and that I just can't wait around anymore. It's seriously ripping my heart in pieces over and over again.

Well that's my update...thanks guys again for all your advice. It's nice to hear outside opinions.

[uffdapete]

"People meet , fall in love and then spend the rest of the relationship , for as long as it lasts , trying to mold each other into something they think they want."

That's an interesting perspective Muskycrazy, and too often true. But it doesn't have to be that way. My wife grew up on a farm without exposure to the outdoor pursuits that I loved. She knew these were important to me and we've communicated openly about it. At times I've needed to curtail some of my activities but she is very understanding - at least enough so that we're going on 32 years VERY happily married and it's getting better. We have made it a point not to try to change each other as a result of attending some marriage seminars through the years where part of the package is talking about changes needed within instead of in the other person.

The best relationship advice is found in the owner's manual - the Bible.

[fisherdog19]

I have the same time of relationship with my wife as uffdapete, except I'm a little short on the years; only going on 6 years. We have open communication, and let eachother know what is going on. She knows that fishing is my alone/down time that allows me to recharge (we have two young children), and she would never consider trying to deny me that. Like uffdapete, I at times get a little overzealous with my fishing, and get my priorities out of wack and need to be reeled back in. She will always lets me know that I am getting to that point before she starts getting upset with me, and sometimes I realize it on my own.

Assuming he is of college age as well, you both are young and have much to experience yet. If you let each other know how you feel that is the best thing you can do. You shouldn't have to try "so" hard to make it work, and if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Put it in someone else's hands now, and have faith that everything will work out the way it is intended to whether it is with or without him.

Happy Fishing

[SmallieSweetie]

Thank you guys for replying so soon.

Fisherdog19...well you hit it right on the spot. Yes, we are both college students almost finishing with undergrad. I've never told him what to do, just what I needed. I know that he needs his fishing, hunting, and guy time and have absolutley no problem with that at all. So, now that everything is said...I will take yours and a couple others advice. It's in someone elses hands now.

Again, I want to thank all of you who replied with so many warm thoughts and helpful advice. It truly helped this northwoods girl set her life as straight as she could.

[Stiff]

I read this the first day you posted it and decided not to write anything. Since then I can’t get it out of my head, so I’ve written my thoughts down as much to get them out of my head as anything.

If you, or anyone else can get anything out of it – Great!! If you think it’s a bunch of nonsense, well, luckily you can stop reading at any point. Here you go…

Consider that both of you may have “dodged a bullet”.

If you are not familiar with a song by Garth Books called “(Thank God for ) Unanswered Payers” it’s worth a listen or a brief search for the lyrics.

I can think of two different couples who are each currently in great relationships. One couple was married last year and the other is scheduled to be married this Sept.

Each of my friends in these two different couples /relationships “survived” a narrow miss in a previous relationship. Meaning – they were previously in love – strongly in love- with someone whom they were not well matched. At least one of them would have liked to have “worked it out”, but in hindsight they now recognize that if they had, it could have been a very bad thing.

Consider this, I read in an article recently that explained that there are basically four ways that people have for feeling and showing Love to one another. They are: Words of affirmation (say “I love you”), Acts of Kindness (doing the dishes, filling your tires with air, etc), Physical touch, and Giving / Receiving of Gifts. Most ways of showing love for each other fall into one of those categories.

Each of us perceives love by one or more of those ways, and some of those ways don’t mean much to us because we are individuals.

Now if you feel love strongly through one of these ways, that is also the way that you are likely to express love to your significant other - and obviously the way that you will looking to receive love in return. So if the two of you have different styles (personalities) in this regard – It will surely lead to a bigger problem down the road.

Even if you compromise in order to “work through” these differences – your hearts still don’t match – and either one or both of you will eventually grow resentful – even though you are both good people.

Keep in mind that you are NOT looking for someone to compromise with – You are looking for someone to synergize with.

“Compromise” is where 1+1 = less than 2, generally closer to 1+1=1. “Synergize” is where 1+1 = more than 2. The whole (the two people together) become greater that the sum of the two parts – because each one makes the other a better person than they were alone.

So, think about whether you truly compatible?

As far as material things – When I have known people who have reached an impass in their relationship, it usually comes as result of a disagreement about either: Money, Sex, or Kids / Parenting Expectations. So make sure you are matched up here as well.

Communication – As others have stated, communication is your single greatest relationship tool and ally. It cannot be underestimated and you cannot be too honest in your communication with your partner.

He’s doing you a huge favor by stating what he honestly feels in his heart rather than what he thinks you would like to hear. You should do him the same favor. Tell him what is truly in your heart regardless if you think it will hurt him or if you think it may not be popular.

Here is some good advice a friend of mine gave me on that idea: You know those conversations that make you feel anxious, and make you want to put them off and not have them - Those are the most important conversations you can have. Even though they make you feel that way, some people come to actually like them and look forward to them, because they recognize that they are the most meaningful conversations you can have - especially with thier life partner.

Look back on your life at the times when you have had that feeling in the past and about the conversations you had to have anyway. How many of those conversations do you regret? or do you feel in hindsight actually put you in a worse place? Probably none.

How many of those conversations impacted your life or relationship in a significant and positive way? Probably almost all of them.

Remember this when you are feeling anxious about a conversation you know you need to have even though you really don’t want to.

Lastly, some other advice I got one time that applies to a lot of situations including relationships is simple – “Trust your Guts”. That little voice that tells you one thing when you just don’t know for sure, or when you would like your head to tell you something different. Think back in hindsight and try to remember how many times that little voice was wrong. The older I get – the more I learn to trust that instinct.

[Stiff]

OK – Just one more and I’ll shut up. Here is something I wrote for myself last year, but I thought was worth keeping.

Bricks

The things we do to and for each other result in an affect on peoples feeling towards each other.

I don’t know if you are familiar with the concept of the Emotional Bank Account (Stephen Covey). It’s a metaphor for the emotional relationship and the level of trust that each of us has with another person. Our interactions result in either deposits or withdrawals, and the account balance becomes a measure of trust, affection and love we have for that other person.

Do a kindness – make a deposit.

Treat someone unkindly – take a withdrawal.

As a result, we have a “balance” with everyone we interact with on a regular basis. Some relationships eventually become overdrawn, while others prosper and grow rich.

I recently read a story about a couple who were facing problems in their marriage. The statement that stayed with me from that story was a comment from the husband. He said, “Eventually she built a wall between the two of us……….. She built the wall…, but I gave her the bricks…”.

It got me to thinking about a different metaphor. It seems like every day……. Many times a day……… Every time we interact.. Especially in the relationships that mean the most to us - We give each other bricks.

These bricks can be used to build walls, or they can be used to build foundations. Maybe some can be used in other ways too. Some might be used for patios that we enjoy together in easy times. Some might be stored for use at a different time because their purpose is not obvious to us at the time we receive them. Still others are not recognized as useful in any way, and are cast aside into a sort of scrap heap.

But most times their use is obvious to us, and we build with them accordingly. We either build foundations or we build walls… It depends on the types of bricks we receive.

So my wish for you……. All of my friends….. is that you build strong foundations. Recognize the bricks that you give and receive. Do your best to provide strong materials for sturdy foundations. When you receive brick that seem like wonderful material for building walls – talk with your supplier. Explain what you have received from them and request new materials

Good building,

Tony

[SmallieSweetie]

Stiff...wow you had a lot to get off your chest. I wish you would have said something sooner, but it's still very interesting to read. I actually talked to a professor of mine recently who's specialized in relationship studies and a lot of what you've said parallels my professors conversation. I completely agree with everything you've stated and I've explained to my ex, at the best of my ablitiy, what I'm willing to do and what I need him to do for us to work. That is why like many have said before, the situation is now out of my hands. If it's meant to be it'll be....if not, then it was great while it lasted.

Thank you Stiff for your excellent points. You might consider majoring in psychology!!!

[Stiff]

Thanks very much for the kind words Jenna, but I don’t think I’ll be pursuing a career in psychology any time soon. That would be a little like getting navigation advice from the guy who’s hung up on the rock pile right off the point. I’m just trying to leave a few marker buoys out for others before I head back to the dock for repairs. Trust me – the rocks are there – right there.

I think I better limit my psychology lessons to good friends (or people who ask for advice) and limit my office to trout streams or road trips to smallmouth rivers. Heck that’s good therapy even when no words are spoken.

I generally don’t offer advice like this in a public forum. The only reason I did this time was that I was following that little voice – “trusting my guts”. It must have helped. I slept better last night than I have since I read your initial posting. Maybe I should be thanking you (??)

I don’t think the timing of what I said makes much difference. It’s not the kind of deal where if anyone had said something a few days earlier it would have made any significant difference. The situation is what it is – the trick is to being able to see it for what it is – and no one can do that better than yourself.

~T