Anybody know any clean jokes?

[UdeLakeTom]

Do you get a drum roll with these??

[fish-n-fool]

No.. just a big, fat groan for the groaners I posted...

I know I can do better, but just having one of those days...

[fish-n-fool]

Time to head out for the day... Catch you tomorrow.

[fish-n-fool]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his [PoorWordUsage].

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

[PoorWordUsage] out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his [PoorWordUsage].

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[fish-n-fool]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[fish-n-fool]

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life. So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered just below your left breast.

So the widow went home and took out her late husband's gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.

[fish-n-fool]

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Determan]

Every day, old Billy Bob would get in to his boat and head out on to the reservoir, and every night he would come back in with his limit of almost every species of fish that you could imagine.

Every one asked him what his secret was but he would never say a word.

One day the conservation officer met Billy Bob at the boat ramp and informed him that he would be going with that day to see what was going on out on the water.

Billy Bob never said a word. He just launched the boat, and headed out on the water with the conservation officer sitting beside him.

When they were quite a ways out on the water Billy Bob stopped the boat, reached under the seat, pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and threw it over the side. There was a large explosion, and dozens of fish floated to the surface. Billy Bob picked up the fish and put them in the boat. All the while the conservation officer is screaming at him, about how much trouble he is in…You are going to lose your boat, you are going to lose your fishing privileges for at least 20 years, and the fine you are going to pay is so large that you will be in debt the rest of your life.

Old Billy Bob, never even slowed down. When he had picked up all the fish, he just reached under the seat and pulled out another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to the conservation officer and said, did you come all the way out here to talk…or are you gonna fish?

[Fishing_Novice]

Did you here about the kid that ran away from his home in Fargo....You could still see him five days later.

[fish-n-fool]

Good one.. I could see what my neighbors 5 miles away were doing when I lived my parents farm. (didn't want to see what they were doing sometimes... hee..hee)

[fish-n-fool]

Words for Women to Live By

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has

everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every

color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A

wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail

hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so

far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on

your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is

no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but

it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find

it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it

solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons turn it into

lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good

looking,sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his

bullsh*t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40

years of parenthood are hard.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna

give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother

was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

[Determan]

Two guys were playing golf. They soon came up behind two women who were playing very slowly. After several holes of very slow play the first guy says "I'm going to walk down there and ask if we can play through". He gets about half way down the fairway then turns around and goes back. He tells the second guy "I can't go down there. One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress"

The second guy starts down the fairway to ask the same question. He gets about half way down when he turns around and walks back and says "Small world isn't it?"

[fish-n-fool]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

[fish-n-fool]

This has been around a while, but good for a laugh......

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

[fish-n-fool]

Whats the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?

Either way ya loose the trailer.

[Boar]

How come there are so many Andersons an Smiths in the phone book?...................They all have phones. Sorry just my Norge heritage coming thru. Try that one on some one an ou see why it funnydumb. When geese fly information, why is one side longer than the other?........... There's more geese on that side. Sorry again... Boar

[fish-n-fool]

Things a redneck would never say....

30. I just can’t marry a relation.

29. Gotta make that dentist appointment and get my teeth cleaned.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

26. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

25. We don't keep firearms in this house.

24. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

23. No you can’t feed that to the dog.

22. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

21. Wrasslin's fake.

20. We're vegetarians.

19. Do you think my gut is too big?

18. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

17. Honey, we don't need another dog.

16. Who's Richard Petty?

15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

14. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

13. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

12. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

11. Trim the fat off that steak.

10. The tires on that truck are too big.

09. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

08. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

07. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

04. What’s NASCAR?

03. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

[fish-n-fool]

Diary of a Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

[Pickelfarmer]

Two new members of a hunting lodge are introduced to its oldest member. They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting storys. "Well back in 1944",says the old man."we were big game hunting and we wern't having much luck at first,When while I was standing by this tree, This big lion jumped out and roared at me,RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!!!!!! Well I just [PoorWordUsage] my pants", says the old man. The two young men are amazed. One of them says," I don't blame you, I'd [PoorWordUsage] in my pants to if a lion jumped at me like that". The old man shakes his head and says,"No No, not then. Just now when I yelled RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!

[fish-n-fool]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

[fish-n-fool]

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said,

“I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”

One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They’re all safe.”

[UdeLakeTom]

Good one Swanni...I sent a copy to my hunting partners.

[fish-n-fool]

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"

"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."

"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.

"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.

"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."

"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.

"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!

The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

[fish-n-fool]

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[fish-n-fool]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up.

So the farmer called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY