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Coldfeet

Cidiots

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We fine folks up north occasionally come into contact with what we like to call “Cidiots”. Much like the people who live in the cities refer to us as “Hicks” or “Rednecks”. I would like to share a funny story about some Cidiots that I met about 2 years ago, but first I need to clarify some things.

First of all, I would like to point out that I am not a “Hick”, but rather a thoroughbred American Redneck. Hicks and Rednecks are different. You can tell them not only by their appearance, but by their behavior as well. For instance, a Hick only owns one gun. He may own two, a shotgun and a rifle, but that is a rare case. The one gun that a Hick owns us usually a 30-30 lever action which he uses to hunt deer. He also happens to hunt deer at 3:00 in the morning from the back of his pickup using a 1,000,000 candle power spotlight. You will also notice that Hicks have a small wardrobe, they have a t-shirt for warm days, a sweat shirt for cool days, and about 3 pairs of pants for different occasions, and they comb their hair about once a week but you wouldn’t know anyways since they are always wearing a cap with the logo from the local bar on it.

Rednecks on the other hand, are a much more refined animal. A Redneck has no fewer than 5 guns and as many as 20. Any more than 20 then they are no longer considered a Redneck, but rather “Crazy”. A Redneck has a gun for every type of occasion such as trap shooting, grouse hunting, duck hunting, deer hunting, bear hunting, varmint hunting, target practice, etc, etc, etc. We also have a much larger selection of clothing to wear, although most of it looks the same. A pair of jeans for each day of the week, all blue, and about 50 different flannel shirts, but at least we have a clean pair of clothes on each day. Rednecks are also very sportsmanlike when it comes to hunting. We pride ourselves on making the kill on the first shot and we think we are even better than an Indian scout at tracking game. Every Redneck also has a story about the time their gun jammed and they had to tackle a buck by jumping on it from their stand and wrestling with it until they could get their knife out and cut its throat. Which of course could not be true since all Rednecks take such good care of their firearms that there is no way that the gun could have jammed. Did I mention that we are notorious liars, especially when it comes to fishing?

A urbanite, pronounced “si-dee-ut”, does not necessarily apply to anyone that comes up to hunt or fish from a major city, but like hicks and rednecks, only applies to a certain category of people that come to hunt and fish from the cities. A urbanite is defined as someone who was born in the city, grew up in the city, never lived even remotely close to anything that you would consider a “rural” area, watches too many hunting and fishing shows on TV, has a midlife crisis and decides that he too will become a master of the woods. Cidiots are easy to spot when they are in rural areas. They are always wearing their hunting gear, which happens to be brand spanking new without so much as a coffee stain on it. They have every stupid hunting gadget imaginable such as a GPS or “fake” rattling antlers (Rednecks know their way around the woods because we live there and therefore have no need for GPS, although we do occasionally use them to mark “hot” fishing spots, and we would never use “fake” antlers, if a redneck needs rattling antlers, he shoots them). Cidiots also only own one gun, which they just bought a week before the hunting season. There are rare occasions where Cidiots own as many as 10 guns, but half of them are handguns which they bought for “self defense” and can’t be used for hunting anyways so they don’t count. Some have a little Redneck gene in them from their great great granddaddy and they just have an urge to own lots of guns, to which I say “more power to you”. The one gun that Cidiots usually own is a very high powered rifle such as a .338 with about a $500 scope on it that weighs about 20 lbs. Although it is impressive, it is not very practical.

Now for my story, which is short but funny. About 2 or 3 years ago after the second day of rifle season, I stopped into the local gas station to pick up a pop and chips after a long day of hunting. In the store I see 5 people who are obviously Cidiots. They meet all of the criteria that I defined above. One of them has a suit that is so new it still has the tag hanging off of it! Anyway, these five guys are in there and there faces are gleaming. They have to be the happiest bunch of guys I’ve ever seen, so I ask them, “Any luck?”. You could just tell that they couldn’t wait to relate their story and I was told all about how they had shot the biggest doe they had ever seen on opening morning (the day before). “That thing has to weigh at least 250 pounds!” one of them told me. I, of course, became curious. I’ve seen hundreds if not thousands of does in my lifetime and I’ve never seen one that big. “It’s in the back of the truck around the corner of the gas station” he then adds. “That’s pretty cool.” I said and I paid for my stuff and went out the door. I had to check this out, so I walked around the corner of the gas station and I see a green truck with four legs shooting straight into the air from the bed of the pickup. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was indeed a very large doe, although I wondered if the unseasonably warm weather coupled with the fact that it wasn’t field dressed had anything to do with why it was so big. The day before had reached temperatures near 70 degrees if I recall correctly. I got into my car and drove home laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. That doe was so bloated it was about to explode! I can just see the look on the poor guy’s face who was asked to butcher that thing.

I don’t mean to offend anyone by this post. Cidiots are very friendly people and they provide a good boost to the local economies in the rural parts of the state, and a few laughs to boot. I would also like to add that not everyone that comes from the city is a urbanite. There are indeed many Rednecks that live in the city, heck, there might even be some Hicks too!

If anyone else has a funny "Redneck" or "urbanite" story, please share it.

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I have closed this thread and deleted all responses.

I see this as a harmless attempt at humor and no one should take offence to this...it's all in fun anyway grin.gif

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